Tell Us a Gag. Please!

[Cr0-Magnon]

So this is where the jokes that were too bad for Christmas crackers end up!

[MiK]

3 minutes ago, Cr0-Magnon said:

So this is where the jokes that were too bad for Christmas crackers end up!

or on the sides of Penguin wrappers 😕

[Shamal]

Two tomatoes in a bowl.

Which one was the cowboy?

 

Answers below please......

[Dogsbody100]

So this butcher is in his shop working away when a dog, carrying a basket casually walks in and jumps up onto the counter.

 

The butcher goes to shoo him away but before he can the dog points with his paw into the basket at a list for some meat.

 

This gets the butchers attention, so he picks up the list and reads off the items which are followed by a note that reads ‘please can you put all this in the basket, the right money is in a pouch on the dogs collar’. Right on cue the dog lifts his head and points at a small pouch which as it turns out has the right money in it.

 

Once all the bits were in the basket the dog nods his thanks and leaves with the basket in his mouth again.

 

The butcher is stunned. If I could have a dog like that he thinks, it could do my deliveries, even perform on the stage! So he shuts up shop and follows the creature, during which time he sees him visit several other shops, have a pint at the pub and even use a zebra crossing, wow, thinks the butcher, this dog is something else! 
 

Then finally the dog arrives at a house, he opens the front gate and lets himself in with his paws and goes up to the front door and knocks waiting to be let in. 
 

Suddenly though the door flies open and a man appears, giving the dog a massive bollocking, calling him useless and dumb, the butcher, confused at this, runs up to them and exclaims ‘why are you bollocking this dog? The things I’ve seen him do, he’s amazing!’ ‘Amazing? fuck off!’ Laughs the man,

 

‘This is the third time he’s forgotten his keys this week!’ 

[Shamal]

18 hours ago, Shamal said:

Two tomatoes in a bowl.

Which one was the cowboy?

 

Answers below please......

OK I will help you out.

It's neither they are both redskins.

Boom boom lol

[Shamal]

I really have to get a better class of friends.

My mate Kenny with the speech impediment has just been charged with shoplifting kitchen utensils from Tesco.

He said it was a whisk he was prepared to take.

But silly Billy now that's more serious.

He has been charged with murder. He attacked a bloke with a sheet of sandpaper. He only meant to rough him up a bit.

 

There ya go.Buy one get one free! Lol

Regards 

[Adolf Hamster]

21 minutes ago, Shamal said:

There ya go.Buy one get one free! Lol 

 

But do we have to buy the one to begin with?🤔

[Shamal]

51 minutes ago, Adolf Hamster said:

 

But do we have to buy the one to begin with?🤔

Haha no,no obligation to buy so long as promise to forget after reading.

😉

Regards 

[Adolf Hamster]

20 minutes ago, Shamal said:

Haha no,no obligation to buy so long as promise to forget after reading.

😉

Regards 

 

if by forget you mean "develop stress based amnesia" then yes, yes i will forget, ummmm, what am i talking about again?

[Shamal]

1 hour ago, Adolf Hamster said:

 

if by forget you mean "develop stress based amnesia" then yes, yes i will forget, ummmm, what am i talking about again?

Haha. They get better...

[Adolf Hamster]

10 minutes ago, Shamal said:

Haha. They get better...

 

i dunno, no matter how much you push the envelope it'll still be stationary......

 

 

can't figure out spoiler tags so here's another essay for everyone to scroll past and not read:

 

 

 

 

 

whilst we are all well aware of the events of Cinderella, her encounter with the fairy godmother and marrying a handsome prince.

 

what is not well known is after the somewhat unconventional events of her youth her life was mostly unremarkable, serving as the roles of attentive wife to her husband who by dint of being a second child never had the chance to take up the crown.

 

however happily ever after only lasts so long and eventually the prince died, a peaceful death but a tragedy nonetheless leaving Cinderella a widow whose common upbringing saw her shipped off out of the royal court to live the rest of her days in quiet solitude.

 

it is here one day, we find Cinderella, time having taken its toll, an old woman sitting in her rocking chair on the porch of a little cottage, quietly knitting while a cat she'd taken to calling bob rested contently on the windowsill.

 

as she's sitting there, her mind idly wondering, she finds herself thinking about time, and how after life seemed to be so much shorter these days.

 

suddenly there's a gentle tinkling noise, subtle, but a noise that nonetheless cut through the silence like a razor and went straight into her mind. there it swooshed it's way through memories almost forgotten to the mists of time until, there. that was it.

 

she looks up "it's been a long time" she says, as if greeting an old friend.

 

"indeed my child it has" replies the fairy godmother

 

"why have you come?" asks Cinderalla calmly.

 

"you have lived a long and exemplary life" says the godmother "your charitable works and your political campaigns to aid those in need have been a shining beacon of hope for the poor of this land. and yet the king has so callously cast you out for fear of some imagined shame it might bring to his house"

 

"the king has his ways, but he is not so bad" replies Cinderalla

 

"that is as may be, but by way of recompense, i would once again like to offer you 3 wishes. is there anything your heart still yearns for?"

 

Cinderella sits there quitely, pondering this opportunity, the wisdom of age tempering the youthful memories seeing the godmother again had stirred.

 

eventually she speaks "the king is not so bad, and my life here is quiet and peaceful, but with time the maintenance of this place has become too much for me and it would be so very handy to pay some local men from the village to fix it up again"

 

"certainly my dear" says the fairy godmother, and with a flick of her arm and a somewhat underwhelming "poof", the world seemed unchanged.

 

silence decended, but not normal silence, this silence was louder than usual because a noise that had been there before was now gone- the creaking of the rocking chair had ceased for it was no longer made of wood, but solid gold.

 

"what is your second wish?" asks the fairy godmother

 

again cinderella ponders getting to her feat and pacing slowly around the room.

 

"you know, i can't remember a time now when there wasn't some creaking in my bones, fog in my sight or pain in my joints. i'd like to feel the energy of youth again, if only for a day"

 

again the subtle flick of the wand, only this time the magic is so much more dramatic as a swirling fog envelops Cinderella hiding her from view.

 

when the fog clears cinderella is once again young, her mind unchanged yet she stood the picture of radiant beauty and youth she had been the last time she crossed paths with the fairy godmother.

 

"and your third wish?" asks the fairy godmother

 

once again the response is delayed, but this time it is not caused by careful contemplation. the funny thing about minds is how like water fills a glass and takes it shape so too does thought fill a body.

 

Cinderella, remembering a long life well lived but with feelings long since forgotten now stirring points to the cat and says "this stray has been my faithful companion for many years, i love him like i once loved my dear prince charming, could you transform him into a kind and handsome young man like you once did with those mice?"

 

"of course" says the fairy godmother

 

the cat, sensing attention half-opens an eye to survey the room. his gaze somewhat distracted when once again the flick of the want, the swoosh of fog, and a gentle "poof" as the fairy godmother dissappears.

 

before the fog even clears clears the cat, now a grown man naked as the day he was born, emerges sweeping cinderella up into his arms with a grace that would ordinarily take years of ballet training to acheive.

 

he stares deep into Cinderella's eyes and leans down as if to kiss her, but instead he gently whispers:

 

"i bet now you're wishing you hadn't had me neutered"

[Shamal]

9 hours ago, Adolf Hamster said:

 

i dunno, no matter how much you push the envelope it'll still be stationary......

 

 

can't figure out spoiler tags so here's another essay for everyone to scroll past and not read:

 

 

 

 

 

whilst we are all well aware of the events of Cinderella, her encounter with the fairy godmother and marrying a handsome prince.

 

what is not well known is after the somewhat unconventional events of her youth her life was mostly unremarkable, serving as the roles of attentive wife to her husband who by dint of being a second child never had the chance to take up the crown.

 

however happily ever after only lasts so long and eventually the prince died, a peaceful death but a tragedy nonetheless leaving Cinderella a widow whose common upbringing saw her shipped off out of the royal court to live the rest of her days in quiet solitude.

 

it is here one day, we find Cinderella, time having taken its toll, an old woman sitting in her rocking chair on the porch of a little cottage, quietly knitting while a cat she'd taken to calling bob rested contently on the windowsill.

 

as she's sitting there, her mind idly wondering, she finds herself thinking about time, and how after life seemed to be so much shorter these days.

 

suddenly there's a gentle tinkling noise, subtle, but a noise that nonetheless cut through the silence like a razor and went straight into her mind. there it swooshed it's way through memories almost forgotten to the mists of time until, there. that was it.

 

she looks up "it's been a long time" she says, as if greeting an old friend.

 

"indeed my child it has" replies the fairy godmother

 

"why have you come?" asks Cinderalla calmly.

 

"you have lived a long and exemplary life" says the godmother "your charitable works and your political campaigns to aid those in need have been a shining beacon of hope for the poor of this land. and yet the king has so callously cast you out for fear of some imagined shame it might bring to his house"

 

"the king has his ways, but he is not so bad" replies Cinderalla

 

"that is as may be, but by way of recompense, i would once again like to offer you 3 wishes. is there anything your heart still yearns for?"

 

Cinderella sits there quitely, pondering this opportunity, the wisdom of age tempering the youthful memories seeing the godmother again had stirred.

 

eventually she speaks "the king is not so bad, and my life here is quiet and peaceful, but with time the maintenance of this place has become too much for me and it would be so very handy to pay some local men from the village to fix it up again"

 

"certainly my dear" says the fairy godmother, and with a flick of her arm and a somewhat underwhelming "poof", the world seemed unchanged.

 

silence decended, but not normal silence, this silence was louder than usual because a noise that had been there before was now gone- the creaking of the rocking chair had ceased for it was no longer made of wood, but solid gold.

 

"what is your second wish?" asks the fairy godmother

 

again cinderella ponders getting to her feat and pacing slowly around the room.

 

"you know, i can't remember a time now when there wasn't some creaking in my bones, fog in my sight or pain in my joints. i'd like to feel the energy of youth again, if only for a day"

 

again the subtle flick of the wand, only this time the magic is so much more dramatic as a swirling fog envelops Cinderella hiding her from view.

 

when the fog clears cinderella is once again young, her mind unchanged yet she stood the picture of radiant beauty and youth she had been the last time she crossed paths with the fairy godmother.

 

"and your third wish?" asks the fairy godmother

 

once again the response is delayed, but this time it is not caused by careful contemplation. the funny thing about minds is how like water fills a glass and takes it shape so too does thought fill a body.

 

Cinderella, remembering a long life well lived but with feelings long since forgotten now stirring points to the cat and says "this stray has been my faithful companion for many years, i love him like i once loved my dear prince charming, could you transform him into a kind and handsome young man like you once did with those mice?"

 

"of course" says the fairy godmother

 

the cat, sensing attention half-opens an eye to survey the room. his gaze somewhat distracted when once again the flick of the want, the swoosh of fog, and a gentle "poof" as the fairy godmother dissappears.

 

before the fog even clears clears the cat, now a grown man naked as the day he was born, emerges sweeping cinderella up into his arms with a grace that would ordinarily take years of ballet training to acheive.

 

he stares deep into Cinderella's eyes and leans down as if to kiss her, but instead he gently whispers:

 

"i bet now you're wishing you hadn't had me neutered"

😆

Very good.Well written although I feel like I've read a book.

Bring a whole new meaning to bestiality though.lol

Regards 

[Cannonfodder]

[Shamal]

Took the new girlfriend home to meet the family. The kids love her and my folks think she is great.

The wife's not too impressed though! 🤔

Regards 

[Shamal]

My youngest boy asked me what I knew about solar eclipses. 

Very little son. I replied.

Regards 

 

[Jedi_Master]

Less of a gag, and more a sick joke:

 

Biden and his cameltoe.

[Shamal]

 After being carried out of Kings Cross station yesterday with concussion, I’m starting to think my acceptance letter from Hogwarts was a hoax! 🤔

Regards 

[EDcase]

2 minutes ago, Shamal said:

 After being carried out of Kings Cross station yesterday with concussion, I’m starting to think my acceptance letter from Hogwarts was a hoax! 🤔

Regards 

Or did you think you were participating in the 'Philadelphia Experiment'? 😄

 

So what happened?  A good trip I assume... 😁

 

Edited May 27, 2021 by EDcase

[Shamal]

1 minute ago, EDcase said:

Did you really think you were participating in the 'Philadelphia Experiment'? 😄

Crikey I don't want to go on that cruise again. "Welcome aboard but don't touch any thing. We will take you to a whole new dimension of enjoyment."

Next I knew I was sparking and going see through and back in me grannies scullery! 

"Where do I get a feckin' refund?"

😉

Regards 

[Sitting Duck]

not quite a joke but I found it funny all the same

& the guy's response is sort peew peew related...

 

 

[GenuineGerman]

Penguin walks into his local and ask the barman “have you seen my brother?”

 

Barman asks “what’s he look like?”

 

[Johnyboy1976]

Girlfriend did a good gag last night - in all fairness i should have washed off the dick cheese first

[Shamal]

Sadly I lost my dear friend from Holland after a fall today. I’ll always remember how she wore inflatable shoes.  But sadly now she has popped her clogs.🙂

 

Yeah yeah I'm going...

Regards 

 

[MiK]

“I’m a Millionaire!!!”

[Shamal]

Raid in local zoo. It has been reported that armed activists have raided the local zoo.  It appears no people or animals have been hurt, but they are holding several ostriches.

Regards 

Edited June 14, 2021 by Shamal