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Tell Us a Gag. Please!


Shamal
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My Chinese neighbour told me he has opened a crows shop.

I think he means clothes shop.

Anyway I think I will pop down and have a rook... boom boom.🙂👍

Regards 

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7 minutes ago, Enid_Puceflange said:

Bloody hell

did you take that from Bernard Manning?
😂

Haha. 

Now there's a name to remember.

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1 hour ago, Dogsbody100 said:

There’s no doubt that Micheal Barrymore is gay, I rang his house up the other day and Cliff Richard answered....

I've given that a laugh but I have to admit it may be deeper than I think? 

Help me out, I know there is some profound meaning lol

🤔

Regards 

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What’s brown and sticky?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

a stick!

 

Whats white and sticky?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

a white stick !

 

What’s yellow and sticky?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

custard !

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2 hours ago, rocketdogbert said:

What’s brown and sticky?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

a stick!

 

Whats white and sticky?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

a white stick !

 

What’s yellow and sticky?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

custard !

Nearly fell for that one!! Lol

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went to the optician the other day. been a while thanks to lockdown.

 

ran through the usual tests but he seemed increasingly concerned as it went on. eventually when it was done he simply sighed.

 

"what's wrong?" i asked

 

"bad news i'm afraid" he replied

 

"oh dear, can i see the results?" i asked with increasing concern in my voice

 

he answered "i don't think so".....

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12 hours ago, Shamal said:

I've given that a laugh but I have to admit it may be deeper than I think? 

Help me out, I know there is some profound meaning lol

🤔

Regards 

It’s another Bernard manning special if that helps 🤣

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Its a funny ol world.

Two men arrested in Portsmouth last night. 

One was drinking battery acid! And the other was eating fireworks!

Police charged one and let the other one off..........

🙃👍

Regards 

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4 hours ago, Enid_Puceflange said:

Two elephants jumped off a cliff

 

Boom Boom!!

Groan!! 😀

4 hours ago, Cannonfodder said:

Why wasn't Jesus born in Hatfield? 

 

They couldn't find any wise men or a virgin

Ooo. Sorry Hatfield he's new! Lol

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What do Las Vegas and Manchester have in common?

 

In both cities you can exchange chips for sex

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10 minutes ago, Jedi_Master said:

What do Las Vegas and Manchester have in common?

 

In both cities you can exchange chips for sex

Like it lol

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so a man decides to go for a sunday afternoon drive.

 

as he's driving along down a windy country road enjoying the scenery a rabbit suddenly darts out of the hedge just ahead of him.

 

he's not daydreaming so much as to take his eyes off the road he spots it and swerves to avoid hitting it, but alas it's too late and he feels the thump thump as his car hits the animal.

 

he slams on the brakes in shock screeching to a halt while his mind catches up with events.

 

he gets out of the car, and being an animal lover he's horrified to see the twisted body of the rabbit lying a few dozen yards back in the road.

 

he approaches slowly, realizing there is nothing he can do for the poor animal he breaks out in tears, his afternoon ruined.

 

then another car comes around the corner, a low-slung sports car. seeing him in the road the driver stops and gets out- a beautiful young woman with long blonde hair

 

"whatever's the matter" she asks him, her voice laced with concern.

 

"it's all my fault, i'm a horrible person, i killed the rabbit" the man mutters through his sobbing.

 

the woman looks around, now spotting the mangled ex-rabbit in the road

 

"don't worry" she says comfortingly, reaching into her handbag and pulling out a spray can.

 

she then proceeds to spray the entire contents of the can onto the hare.

 

to the mans shock the rabbit twists and contorts back into a lifelike shape, suddenly springing up full of life. the rabbit raises a paw in the air almost like it was waving at the pair of them.

 

the rabbit then hops off, apparently unfazed by it's recent ordeal, every few yards it stops and raises its paw as before as if to wave goodbye. it keeps doing this until finally it crests a nearby hillock and dissappears

 

reality descends again and the man turns to the woman in confusion

 

"what the hell was that you just did?" he asked, incredulous at this miraculous turn of events.

 

the woman simply hands him the empty can, he takes it and glances at the label which reads:

 

"hair spray- restores life to dead hair and adds wave"

 

 

plz no ban.....

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26 minutes ago, Adolf Hamster said:

so a man decides to go for a sunday afternoon drive.

 

as he's driving along down a windy country road enjoying the scenery a rabbit suddenly darts out of the hedge just ahead of him.

 

he's not daydreaming so much as to take his eyes off the road he spots it and swerves to avoid hitting it, but alas it's too late and he feels the thump thump as his car hits the animal.

 

he slams on the brakes in shock screeching to a halt while his mind catches up with events.

 

he gets out of the car, and being an animal lover he's horrified to see the twisted body of the rabbit lying a few dozen yards back in the road.

 

he approaches slowly, realizing there is nothing he can do for the poor animal he breaks out in tears, his afternoon ruined.

 

then another car comes around the corner, a low-slung sports car. seeing him in the road the driver stops and gets out- a beautiful young woman with long blonde hair

 

"whatever's the matter" she asks him, her voice laced with concern.

 

"it's all my fault, i'm a horrible person, i killed the rabbit" the man mutters through his sobbing.

 

the woman looks around, now spotting the mangled ex-rabbit in the road

 

"don't worry" she says comfortingly, reaching into her handbag and pulling out a spray can.

 

she then proceeds to spray the entire contents of the can onto the hare.

 

to the mans shock the rabbit twists and contorts back into a lifelike shape, suddenly springing up full of life. the rabbit raises a paw in the air almost like it was waving at the pair of them.

 

the rabbit then hops off, apparently unfazed by it's recent ordeal, every few yards it stops and raises its paw as before as if to wave goodbye. it keeps doing this until finally it crests a nearby hillock and dissappears

 

reality descends again and the man turns to the woman in confusion

 

"what the hell was that you just did?" he asked, incredulous at this miraculous turn of events.

 

the woman simply hands him the empty can, he takes it and glances at the label which reads:

 

"hair spray- restores life to dead hair and adds wave"

 

 

plz no ban.....

I just wasted 3mins of tinnie time reading that(yep I'm a slow reader) but it was worth it lol.

 

P.s who has the ban hammer?

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Two friends meet in town.

"Helloo der Patrick" says Mick.

"Helloo yerself den Mick" says Patrick.

"Whats dat in yer bag den?" says Mick.

"Its doughnuts" says Patrick.

"Ahh now,to be sure I'd love a doughnut"says Mick.

"Well now den Mick"says Patrick "if you can quess how many doughnuts are in dis here bag den I will give yerself da both of dem so I will"

Mick concentrates and beads of sweat appear on his forehead.

"Bejesus dis is a tough one but I tink tis tree" He Says.

"Dats close enough to be sure"says Patrick as he hands him the bag.

 

P.s names have been changed to protect identities.no resemblance to persons living or dead.

Terms and conditions apply.

Please read small print.

P.p.s I had better get a like for all that work! 🤭👍

Regards 

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3 minutes ago, Shamal said:

 

P.p.s I had better get a like for all that work! 🤭👍

 

 

only because you didn't immediately call for banning after me last one.

 

if we're doing jokes do we have any limit as to how dark/offensive/filthy they get or is it a case of let her rip?

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2 minutes ago, Adolf Hamster said:

 

only because you didn't immediately call for banning after me last one.

 

if we're doing jokes do we have any limit as to how dark/offensive/filthy they get or is it a case of let her rip?

Haha. Anything goes......

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13 hours ago, Shamal said:

Haha. Anything goes......

 

can we get a second for that? preferably from someone weilding the banhammer.

 

don't wanna go full frankie boyle and end up getting yeeted.....

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15 hours ago, Adolf Hamster said:

so a man decides to go for a sunday afternoon drive.

 

as he's driving along down a windy country road enjoying the scenery a rabbit suddenly darts out of the hedge just ahead of him.

 

he's not daydreaming so much as to take his eyes off the road he spots it and swerves to avoid hitting it, but alas it's too late and he feels the thump thump as his car hits the animal.

 

he slams on the brakes in shock screeching to a halt while his mind catches up with events.

 

he gets out of the car, and being an animal lover he's horrified to see the twisted body of the rabbit lying a few dozen yards back in the road.

 

he approaches slowly, realizing there is nothing he can do for the poor animal he breaks out in tears, his afternoon ruined.

 

then another car comes around the corner, a low-slung sports car. seeing him in the road the driver stops and gets out- a beautiful young woman with long blonde hair

 

"whatever's the matter" she asks him, her voice laced with concern.

 

"it's all my fault, i'm a horrible person, i killed the rabbit" the man mutters through his sobbing.

 

the woman looks around, now spotting the mangled ex-rabbit in the road

 

"don't worry" she says comfortingly, reaching into her handbag and pulling out a spray can.

 

she then proceeds to spray the entire contents of the can onto the hare.

 

to the mans shock the rabbit twists and contorts back into a lifelike shape, suddenly springing up full of life. the rabbit raises a paw in the air almost like it was waving at the pair of them.

 

the rabbit then hops off, apparently unfazed by it's recent ordeal, every few yards it stops and raises its paw as before as if to wave goodbye. it keeps doing this until finally it crests a nearby hillock and dissappears

 

reality descends again and the man turns to the woman in confusion

 

"what the hell was that you just did?" he asked, incredulous at this miraculous turn of events.

 

the woman simply hands him the empty can, he takes it and glances at the label which reads:

 

"hair spray- restores life to dead hair and adds wave"

 

 

plz no ban.....

& They say the old ones are the best........

 

Wtf do "they" know 😏

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How do you confuse a blonde work person? (politically correct) 

 

Line up three Shovels/Spades and ask them to take their Pick !

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2 hours ago, MiK said:

How do you confuse a blonde work person? (politically correct) 

 

Line up three Shovels/Spades and ask them to take their Pick !

Doh!

3 hours ago, Adolf Hamster said:

 

can we get a second for that? preferably from someone weilding the banhammer.

 

don't wanna go full frankie boyle and end up getting yeeted.....

Seconded.....carried.

I got a gnu for my wife this Christmas just gone. She wasn't too pleased but thought it was a cracking swop.......👍

 

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