Tactical Pith Helmet

What's got 2 legs & bleeds? Half a cat.

I'm still looking for a cure for my sex addiction. I've tried fucking everything.

Uncle Bob reckons that he's a bit of an athlete. He once came first in a threesome....

The kids gerbil went missing last night. I spent six hours looking for it! It's definitely not in the pub.

Doc: “Hi – I am sorry but I have bad news, and I have very bad news. Which one do you want first?” Patient: “ok, give me the very bad news first” Doc “We have received the latest test results and you have been diagnosed with Ligma. You only have 1 day to live” Patient: “Just 1 day?! … what’s the bad news then?” Doc: “I tried to call you yesterday, but you didn’t pick up your phone”

Went to a Trump rally this weekend. All I got was this bloody T-shirt...

I've looked everywhere trying to buy an England flag for the European Championship final but I couldn't find one. In the end, I bought a French one and drew a red cross on it.

I’m not saying we live in dangerous times but the most powerful man in the world with the nuclear launch codes has dementia and mixes up Zelensky and Putin. What could possibly go wrong?

I was in a restaurant earlier when a group of electricians came in. The waiter asked if they wanted a starter. But they went straight for the mains.

Scientists have discovered a method for dealing with dyslexia. It's music to my arse!

I went out for a meal tonight. The waiter noticed that I hadn't eaten all of my chips, and said, 'Do you want a box for those?' Seeing that I'd already paid for the fuckers I put my fists up and had first swing.

It's unfair to compare the English men's and women's international football teams. More power, more strength, more skill. And in time I'm pretty sure the men will catch up...

My friend was caught climbing the fence a Glastonbury. Security pulled him down and forced him to get back in and watch Coldplay.

I asked the Geordie barber for a perm. He said "I wandered lernly as a clood....."