Tactical Pith Helmet Posted January 13, 2022 Share Posted January 13, 2022 According to my palace sources, Prince Andrew can get off on a legal technicality. Is there nothing he doesn't find arousing?. Cannonfodder, Paul72 and Shamal 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Tactical Pith Helmet Posted January 18, 2022 Popular Post Share Posted January 18, 2022 The Mother Superior was giving 'the talk' to the convent school girls. 'Men only want one thing, and it’s disgusting,' she intoned stentoriously, standing arms crossed and brows knit at the front of the class. Young Mary McClintok puts her hand up, 'Mother Superior, have you tried washing it?' Skullchewer, Paul72, Samurai and 2 others 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Shamal Posted January 23, 2022 Author Popular Post Share Posted January 23, 2022 My obese parrot just died 😢 I’m distraught, but it’s a huge weight off my shoulders. Regards AirSniper, Paul72, RostokMcSpoons and 2 others 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Paul72 Posted January 23, 2022 Popular Post Share Posted January 23, 2022 Tackle, Shamal, Tactical Pith Helmet and 2 others 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted January 23, 2022 Share Posted January 23, 2022 That nuts ex-girlfriend of mine barged in today, tied me up and did things I'm too embarrassed to type. I don't think she really understands what a restraining order is! Cannonfodder, Shamal, Paul72 and 1 other 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted January 25, 2022 Share Posted January 25, 2022 I need to rehome a dog. It's gentle enough but it barks constantly and won't respond to commends to shut up. If anyone's interested, I'll nip over the back fence and get it for you. Jedi_Master, Shamal and Paul72 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted February 1, 2022 Share Posted February 1, 2022 I gratuitously repeat this old Barry Cryer gag: "Do you know what speed you were doing, Sir?" asked the policeman. "I do apologise Officer," I replied. "I've never used this road before, and I honestly thought it was an unrestricted zone." "No you didn't!!" my wife protested. "We only live round the corner, you said you were putting your foot down because there wouldn't be any coppers around this late!" "May I see your insurance?" the cop said grimly. "I've just renewed it," I assured him. "It'll be in the post, I'll drop a copy to the station next week." "Actually," said the wife, "you were short on cash this month and said you'd leave it 'til you had the money. It ran out a fortnight ago." I turned to her and snapped "Will you keep your mouth shut, you stupid bitch...." "Does he always talk to you like that, Madam?" asked the copper. "No," my wife replied. "Only when he's been drinking." RostokMcSpoons and Cannonfodder 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cannonfodder Posted February 1, 2022 Share Posted February 1, 2022 On 25/01/2022 at 00:01, Tactical Pith Helmet said: I need to rehome a dog. It's gentle enough but it barks constantly and won't respond to commends to shut up. If anyone's interested, I'll nip over the back fence and get it for you. Tbh I was expecting this to be about the wife or mother in law Tactical Pith Helmet 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HaggisHunter Posted February 1, 2022 Share Posted February 1, 2022 A Scotsman, Englishman and Irishman are caught during an airsoft skirmish by a group of strict reenactment players after going out of bounds and stumbling upon their grounds, the leader of the reenactment group suggests a test of worthiness before possibly releasing the players as this was a common thing back in day according to their “good book”, the leader goes on to explain the test “you shall all be sent into the jungle to collect 3 items of fruit and then return for the final part of the test”, eager to get home they all headed into the jungle, first back is the Englishman with 3 apples and the leader says “you must now shove all 3 apples up your ass and if you make any noise at all we will cut your head off”, shocked and scared the Englishman attempts the test, one goes in with no sound but second one causes him to grunt in pain and in an instant WHOOSH head comes off, second out the jungle is the Scotsman with 3 grapes and he is told the same as the last man so he starts his test, 1st one no problem 2nd one no problem 3rd one BOOM he bursts out laughing and WHOOSH head comes off, up in heaven the Englishman and Scotsman are together and the Englishman asks “why did you laugh you were so close to getting home” and the Scotsman replies “after the first two grapes went up easy I looked up and saw the Irishman coming out the woods with 3 pineapples”. RostokMcSpoons, Cannonfodder, Tactical Pith Helmet and 1 other 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted February 1, 2022 Author Share Posted February 1, 2022 Haha nice adaptation.👍 HaggisHunter 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cannonfodder Posted February 3, 2022 Share Posted February 3, 2022 What's 12 inches long and hard in the morning? SIDS Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted February 3, 2022 Author Share Posted February 3, 2022 Mmm......not really funny Tackle 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cannonfodder Posted February 3, 2022 Share Posted February 3, 2022 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted February 3, 2022 Author Share Posted February 3, 2022 45 minutes ago, Cannonfodder said: That's true. I guess even the sickos are entitled to laugh 😃 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted February 7, 2022 Author Share Posted February 7, 2022 Two scientists walk into a pub. "I'll have a glass of h2o" says the first scientist."I think I'll have a glass of h20 too" says the second scientist. They drink their drinks and the second scientist promptly dies.....🤔 Zarrin, Tactical Pith Helmet, EDcase and 1 other 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Skullchewer Posted February 7, 2022 Popular Post Share Posted February 7, 2022 A man sees a sign outside a farmhouse: 'Talking Dog For Sale'....He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden. The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there. "Do you really talk?" He asks the dog. "Yes!" The Labrador replies. After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story!" The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I joined the Garda. "In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world drug lords, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Dublin airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired!" The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog. "Ten quid!" The owner says. “A tenner??But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?" "Because he's a lying cunt. He's never been out of the garden!" Zarrin, Shamal, Tactical Pith Helmet and 2 others 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted February 9, 2022 Share Posted February 9, 2022 I used to be chief executive of a large non-profit-making organisation; but they have just let me go. We weren't supposed to be one. HaggisHunter, Skullchewer and Cannonfodder 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HaggisHunter Posted February 9, 2022 Share Posted February 9, 2022 My daughter told me this joke and I was buckled (maybe just cos she’s wee and my daughter though lol) ”dad what do you call a spider with no legs? . . . . . . A raisin” Shamal, Skullchewer, Zarrin and 1 other 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted February 9, 2022 Author Share Posted February 9, 2022 I think it's a disgrace on society and our education system when after 50 years, most people have no idea who Neil Armstrong is. Or what kind of trumpet he played! 😀 Regards Skullchewer, HaggisHunter, Tactical Pith Helmet and 1 other 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HaggisHunter Posted February 9, 2022 Share Posted February 9, 2022 2 hours ago, Shamal said: I think it's a disgrace on society and our education system when after 50 years, most people have no idea who Neil Armstrong is. Or what kind of trumpet he played! 😀 Regards no no no you’re thinking of Neil Diamond he plays the clarinet 😂 Shamal and Tactical Pith Helmet 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Shamal Posted February 10, 2022 Author Popular Post Share Posted February 10, 2022 I ordered my favourite dish last night at the local fish restaurant, grilled fish in a herb sauce. But when it came I thought it tasted a bit funny... I thought about sending it back, but I wasn't sure if it was the thyme or the plaice! 🙂 🐟 proffrink, HaggisHunter, Tackle and 3 others 2 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Root Admin proffrink Posted February 10, 2022 Root Admin Share Posted February 10, 2022 Just now, Shamal said: I ordered my favourite dish last night at the local fish restaurant, grilled fish in a herb sauce. But when it came I thought it tasted a bit funny... I thought about sending it back, but I wasn't sure if it was the thyme or the plaice! 🙂 🐟 Awful. Thanks. Shamal 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted February 10, 2022 Share Posted February 10, 2022 Kids today don't know how well off they are. I was orphaned at a young age and raised by a pack of hyenas. No toys, no posh house, facing starvation scouring for food, but boy, did we have some laughs. Tackle, Skullchewer and Shamal 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skullchewer Posted February 11, 2022 Share Posted February 11, 2022 (edited) So then she says"Strip down, facing me" It was only as I was being put in the back of the van that I realised she meant my credit card. Edited February 11, 2022 by Skullchewer Typo Shamal and Tactical Pith Helmet 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted February 13, 2022 Author Share Posted February 13, 2022 What's that all about. I opened a tin of evaporated milk and it's all still there 🤔 And why aren't all butter croissants just a pile of butter 🤔 Confused 😕 Tactical Pith Helmet and Skullchewer 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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