Tell Us a Gag. Please!

[Druid799]

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

The difference between a rectal thermometer and an oral thermometer is the taste. 

[Shamal]

Garage rip off. I think my local garage is ripping me off, does anyone else think that £500 for a Tesla exhaust sounds like a lot?🤔

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

What do you call a video of two toads having sex?

 

Frogspawn.

[Shamal]

The first-grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words, she thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more than one syllable.

Jane, do you know any multi-syllable words?

After some thought, Jane proudly replied with Monday.

Great Jane that has two syllables, Mon......day

Does anyone know another word?

I do, I do, me me me replied Johnny.

Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead.

Ok Mike, what is your word.

Saturday. Says, Mike.

Great, that has three syllables.

Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says "I know a four-syllable word, pick me..."

Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says, "O.K.

Johnny, what is your four syllable word?"

Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion."

Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, "Wow, Johnny, four syllables, that certainly is a mouthful"

No miss, your thinking of blow job, and that's only two syllables.

 

[Tackle]

Made me chuckle😂 & scared in equal measures😧

[Jedi_Master]

19 hours ago, Tackle said:

Made me chuckle😂 & scared in equal measures😧

 

 

That is why "no tramp stamps (tattoos) before 10 pm" is a good rule for life.

Of course, after that time your judgement may be impaired by beer.

[Shamal]

Diet advice. My friend Joe has been on a diet that has worked miracles for him.  So if anyone is interested, he has been using the Dolly Parton diet.  It’s made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean ……,

( I'll get me hat....)

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I’m going out with an English teacher, which is a bit awkward because she keeps correcting my grammar during sex. She’s particularly annoyed at my improper use of the colon.

[Shamal]

So this very proper lady was traveling on a train when she heard behind her this conversation..

“So..first Emma come, then I come and then 2 asses they come a together and then I come again and then 2 asses, they come a together…Pee twice then I come again”.

The proper lady turns around “How DARE you talk that way in public..I am going to have you thrown off this train”!

The man talking says “Hey, whatsamatter you? I just tella my friend how to spella Mississippi.”

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I always worry when a woman sees me naked for the first time that she’s just going to scream and run out of the park.

[Shamal]

I think my new girlfriend is a ghost.

 

I had my suspicion the moment she walked through the door.😮

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I went to buy a Christmas tree. The guy goes, ‘So you can put it up yourself?’ I said, ‘No, I was thinking the living room.'

[Druid799]

In light of recent events in the US some manufacturers have decided to be a bit more proactive in their sales . 

[Shamal]

I've made a ouija board using alphabet spaghetti....it's great for contacting people who've pasta-way.👀

[Cannonfodder]

3 blondes were hiking in the woods when they came across some tracks. 

"These are deer tracks" said the first blonde 

"No, they're moose tracks" replied the second one

"You're both wrong, they're elk tracks" said the third blonde 

 

They were still arguing when the train hit them

[Shamal]

2 hours ago, Cannonfodder said:

3 blondes were hiking in the woods when they came across some tracks. 

"These are deer tracks" said the first blonde 

"No, they're moose tracks" replied the second one

"You're both wrong, they're elk tracks" said the third blonde 

 

They were still arguing when the train hit them

Like it.😂

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Does this chemists sell viagra?

 

Yes mate.

 

Can you get it over the counter? 

 

I probably could if I took two. 

[Shamal]

The birthday party at my friend’s house yesterday was no fun.
I know he’s a Bomb Disposal Technician, but does it really take 4 hours to open each present?

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

A woman goes to her doctor's office to discuss a strange development.

 

She has discovered a green spot on the inside of each thigh.

 

They won't wash off, they won't scrape off, and they seem to be getting worse.

 

The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem and tells her not to worry until he gets the tests back.

 

A few days later the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor.

She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.

 

The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy there's no problem, but I'm wondering, was your boyfriend that biker guy in the waiting room?"

The woman stammers, "Why yes, but how did you know?"

"Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."

[Shamal]

Two for one you lucky lucky people.

 

I used to work in a shoe recycling facility.

 

But had to give it up cause it was soul destroying.

-------------------------------------

 

I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

 

[Cannonfodder]

They said girls like guys that remind them of their father
That's why princess Leia loved her vibratory as it's black, mechanical and it has to choke her to finish the job

[John_W]

A blonde and a brunette rob a bank.

As the Blonde runs out dragging the safe with a rope followed by a guard with his trousers round his ankles, the Brunette screams:

"You idiot, I told you to tie up the guard and blow the safe"

[Druid799]

[Shamal]

Johnny asks his dad how a country runs. His dad thinks and replies, ‘Well, it’s like this. I earn the money in the house, so I’m the rich. Your mum takes care of running the home, so she is the government. The maid is the working class, and your baby brother is the future. And finally you Johnny, are the average citizen.’

That night Johnny is woken up by his baby brother’s cries. He goes to the crib and notices that his brother has soiled his nappy. He runs to his mum and finds her fast asleep. He then goes to the maid’s room and finds her in bed with his father. He returns to his bed.

The next day Johnny tells his dad that he has the working of a country all figured out. His dad asks him to explain.

“A country is where an average citizen can’t get proper sleep as the rich are screwing the working class, the government is fast asleep and the future is full of shit.

Edited June 22, 2022 by Shamal