Tell Us a Gag. Please!

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I went to an AA meeting once.  I was disgusted to discover that all of them were alcoholics.  

 

I cancelled my membership and joined the RAC instead!

[Shamal]

RAC are worse.

Raging Alcoholic Club.they actually drive you to drink lol

[Madhouse]

Went for a curry the other day, when ordering the waiter suggested I try a Chicken Tarka. I asked what it was like and he said it was similar to a Chicken Tikka, but just a little otter.

 

(fully accept that some of our younger members may need to use google to 'get' this one) ?

Edited November 23, 2022 by Madhouse

[Shamal]

My front door is alarmed after 5pm.

Before that it's just generally anxious.

[Cannonfodder]

14 hours ago, Madhouse said:

Went for a curry the other day, when ordering the waiter suggested I try a Chicken Tarka. I asked what it was like and he said it was similar to a Chicken Tikka, but just a little otter.

 

(fully accept that some of our younger members may need to use google to 'get' this one) ?

And now I feel really fucking old 

[concretesnail]

19 hours ago, Madhouse said:

Went for a curry the other day, when ordering the waiter suggested I try a Chicken Tarka. I asked what it was like and he said it was similar to a Chicken Tikka, but just a little otter.

 

(fully accept that some of our younger members may need to use google to 'get' this one) ?

 

Another older member here.

[Shamal]

I called the RSPCA and told them there was a weasel hanging off my ceiling fan, but the person on the other end of the phone didn't believe me so I told them
'You'll just have to take my whirred ferret. ?

Yes I know...I'll get my coat.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

My pet rat has a wooden leg. 

 

He's a pi-rat.  

[Shamal]

15 hours ago, Tactical Pith Helmet said:

My pet rat has a wooden leg. 

 

He's a pi-rat.  

I'll let you have that one on account of my ferret offering. But really?? ?

 

Don’t you just hate it when you want to give someone a sincere compliment on their moustache and as soon as you do….
….. she’s not your friend anymore!!?

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Two mice are walking down the pavement.

 

A beautiful woman passes them. The first mouse says “Wow! Did you see the ass on her?!” The other mouse responds “It was nice, but I’m a titmouse myself.”

[Madhouse]

What’s the best cheese for hiding horses?

 

Mascarpone

[Shamal]

1 minute ago, Madhouse said:

What’s the best cheese for hiding horses?

 

Mascarpone

Somebody's opening the crackers early! ?

[Shamal]

Last night my wife started saying that in 1892, she had written the Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings.

 

Yes she was Tolkien in her sleep again.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Uncle Bob 'I saw a flock of cows today.'

 

Aunt Janet: 'Herd of cows.'

 

Uncle Bob 'Of course I have.  They go moo.'

[Shamal]

I used to date an algebra teacher.  I never could quite work her out, though.  I guess that’s y she’s my x

[Tackle]

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

A group of friends are on a boozy girls night.

 

'I call my husband the dentist.  He gives me a right good drilling.'

 

'I call mine the miner.  He's got a lovely shaft.'

 

'I call mine the postman.  He comes late and often in the wrong box.'

[Shamal]

I finally managed to convince my wife to watch Back to the future.
I tell you what !
It's ... about time.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

The Bayeux Tapestry is not historically accurate.

 

The whole story has been embroidered!

[Guest Lord loki]

Joke 1

 

three guys In pub talking about dick sizes 

 

First says I got a 8" dong and flips it on table

 

Second says I got 10" and flops it on table 

 

Third says I got 14"and flops it on table 

 

Gay guy walks in and SAYS OH A HELP YASELF BUFFET"

 

joke 2

 

 

What you nuts on a wall 

 

Walnuts

 

What you call nuts on your chest 

 

Chest nuts 

 

 

What you can nuts on your chin 

 

A mouth full of cock

Edited November 30, 2022 by Lord loki

[Madhouse]

on the current dick theme, mine was in the Guinness Book of World Records ... until the librarian told me to leave.

[Shamal]

Well mine is shaped like a rocket.....the wife is over the moon!

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

A Yorkshireman goes into a vets.

 

"It's me cat veterinary.  It's piss smells rotten"

 

"Is it a tom?"

 

"No, it's in this basket."

Edited December 4, 2022 by Tactical Pith Helmet

[Shamal]

.Absolutely fuming!!!! ???

Just got home to find all of my windows open!
They've taken everything ???

Dirty rotten thieving so and so's!!!! You wait until I find you!!!?
How can people just think they can take what ever they want??

That was MY advent calendar and YOU had no right to open the windows and steal all of my Chocolates.

They were for ME.....?

[Jedi_Master]

My nan is really old, and she spends hours just staring through the lounge window.

Sometimes, when it is really cold outside we let her into our house.