Tell Us a Gag. Please!

[Shamal]

Well if any of you like a challenge, which I'm sure you do wot with being a ruffty,tuffty airsofter an all,then have a go at this....

Next time you are taking your wife/mistress/partner from behind and the action hots up,whisper in their ear "this is how your sister/mother/friend likes it best"

See how long you can hang on for.

I managed five seconds before I was 'thrown' into bedroom door!! Lol

 

Regards 

 

Ps.before you ask

It was wife. Mistress got too expensive  lol

Edited October 6, 2021 by Shamal
Addition

[Cannonfodder]

Ah, the bucking bronco. 

[Jedi_Master]

3 hours ago, Shamal said:

It was wife. Mistress got too expensive 

 

That is why you need both a wife and a mistress. Because when your wife thinks that you are with your mistress, and your mistress thinks that you are with your wife... you are free to go airsofting uninterrupted.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

A penguin walks into a bar and orders a pint of best bitter.  He asks the barman, 'Have you happened to see my brother around? 

 

'Dunno,' says the barman, 'what's he look like?'  

[Tackle]

A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.
"Yes," the Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story."
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I joined the SAS.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years.
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid," the owner says.
"£10!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying bastard. He's never been out of the garden."

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

A penguin is driving a rental car through the desert when suddenly the air conditioner stops working. The penguin, frantic with the heat, swerves into the first car repair shop he sees.

Penguin jumps out yelling, "Quick, quick! Drop everything and fix my air conditioner. I'm literally dying from this heat! Really, it's an emergency!"

The mechanic says, "Calm down, now. I can fix your car in about a half hour, and you should just go across the street to wait in the ice cream shop. It's cool in there, and they sell soft-serve ice cream."

The penguin is thrilled, jumping up and down, and yells, "Yay!! Soft serve is my favourite!", and he scampers across the street waving his stubby wings.

Exactly a half hour later the penguin rushes out of the ice cream shop with vanilla ice cream all over his face, and runs into the repair shop, yelling, "Did you fix it!? Did you fix it!?"

The mechanic says, "Yeah, no problem. It looks like you just blew a seal."

The penguin frantically wipes his mouth and yells,

"No fucking way! That's just ice cream!!"

[Shamal]

On 22/10/2021 at 23:10, Tactical Pith Helmet said:

A penguin is driving a rental car through the desert when suddenly the air conditioner stops working. The penguin, frantic with the heat, swerves into the first car repair shop he sees.

Penguin jumps out yelling, "Quick, quick! Drop everything and fix my air conditioner. I'm literally dying from this heat! Really, it's an emergency!"

The mechanic says, "Calm down, now. I can fix your car in about a half hour, and you should just go across the street to wait in the ice cream shop. It's cool in there, and they sell soft-serve ice cream."

The penguin is thrilled, jumping up and down, and yells, "Yay!! Soft serve is my favourite!", and he scampers across the street waving his stubby wings.

Exactly a half hour later the penguin rushes out of the ice cream shop with vanilla ice cream all over his face, and runs into the repair shop, yelling, "Did you fix it!? Did you fix it!?"

The mechanic says, "Yeah, no problem. It looks like you just blew a seal."

The penguin frantically wipes his mouth and yells,

"No fucking way! That's just ice cream!!"

Like it 😅

Edited October 29, 2021 by Shamal

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Convincing your girlfriend that she's crazy is called gaslighting, and it's a dick move.

 

Convincing her that she's a robot with artificial intelligence and implanted memories is called bladerunning, it's a Philip K. Dick move.

[Cannonfodder]

[AirSniper]

Bloke goes in to a pub. Orders a beer and sits quietly drinking it.

After a while he starts feeling peckish and notices the bar snacks and food menu.

So he goes up to the bar, asks for a menu off the bar maid who hands him a menu.

After reading the menu, Cheese rolls £1, Ham Rolls £1.50, Cheese and ham roll £2, sausage rolls £1 and hand shandy's £5...

So the guy calls the bar maid over and he asks her, "Are you the person that give out the hand shandy's" and she replied "Why yes, I am" fluttering her eyes at the guy... 

He replies "Good... Wash your hands I want a cheese roll..."

[Shamal]

I made a lovely curry last night. Put ginger and everything in it.

The kids didn't like it at all.

I suppose they were quite fond of the cat though 😥

 

Regards 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2am this morning and said, 'Rob, I can't fucking sleep.'

 

'Well it's your lucky night.' I said, 'I've got a good party going on here, come on in.'

[Cannonfodder]

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

My sister just cited Godwin's law as we argued.  

 

I did compare her to Hitler, but only to persuade her to shave that silly little 'tache off. 

[Cannonfodder]

A 10 year old girl asks her mum "mummy, how was I born?" 

 

The mum smiled and replied, "once apon a time your daddy and me decided to plant a special little seed. Daddy planted it and every day I took care of it every day. After a while the seed grew more and more leaves and in a few months it grew into a beautiful healthy plant. So then we dried it out, smoked it and got so high we forgot to use a condom"

[Paul72]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'
Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people who would name a Ridgeback Jesus.' 😹

[Shamal]

I bought couple of Christmas ties last week.Took one back today cause it was too tight.

While I was there I had a moan about some shoe laces I bought there. They were long and strong but just far too loose. 

It's hard to get stuff that fits properly. 😉

 

Regards 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Some one told me that Mike Nesmith had died.

 

I didn't believe them.

 

But then I saw the news.

 

Now he's a cadaver. 

[AirSniper]

I rewrote the song, "Hole in my Bucket", anyone ever tried it?

Here goes... (work still in progress)

 

There's a hole your *ucket, dear Liza, dear Liza,

There's a hole in your *ucket, dear Liza,

There's a hole.

 

Then fill it dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,

Then fill it dear Henry, dear Henry, then fill up my hole.

 

With what should I fill it, dear Liza, dear Liza,

With what should I fill it, dear Liza, with what?

 

With a something big and hard, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,

With a something big and hard, dear Henry, dear Henry, with something hard as a bone.

 

But my boner is too long, dear Liza, dear Liza,

My boner is too long, dear Liza, its way too long.

 

Then use something else dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,

Then use something else dear Henry, dear Henry, use something else like a fat fist!

 

With which one shall I fist it, dear Liza, dear Liza,

With which one shall I fist it, dear Liza, with which one?

 

With an your right, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,

With an your right, dear Henry, with your right and don't hold back.

 

But my fist is too small, dear Liza, dear Liza,

My fist is too small, dear Liza, too too small (...see it just plops out).

 

Then, use the tip, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,

Then use the tip dear Henry, dear Henry, just shove in your tip!

 

...

Edited December 15, 2021 by AirSniper

[SBoardley]

21 hours ago, AirSniper said:

I rewrote the song, "Hole in my Bucket", anyone ever tried it?

Here goes... (work still in progress)

 

There's a hole your *ucket, dear Liza, dear Liza,

There's a hole in your *ucket, dear Liza,

There's a hole.

 

Then fill it dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,

Then fill it dear Henry, dear Henry, then fill up my hole.

 

With what should I fill it, dear Liza, dear Liza,

With what should I fill it, dear Liza, with what?

 

With a something big and hard, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,

With a something big and hard, dear Henry, dear Henry, with something hard as a bone.

 

But my boner is too long, dear Liza, dear Liza,

My boner is too long, dear Liza, its way too long.

 

Then use something else dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,

Then use something else dear Henry, dear Henry, use something else like a fat fist!

 

With which one shall I fist it, dear Liza, dear Liza,

With which one shall I fist it, dear Liza, with which one?

 

With an your right, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,

With an your right, dear Henry, with your right and don't hold back.

 

But my fist is too small, dear Liza, dear Liza,

My fist is too small, dear Liza, too too small (...see it just plops out).

 

Then, use the tip, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,

Then use the tip dear Henry, dear Henry, just shove in your tip!

 

...

Um…are you on crack mate?

[AirSniper]

17 hours ago, SBoardley said:

Um…are you on crack mate?

Who doesn't like the smell of fresh crack first thing in the morning?

I think I have a Mental illness of some sort, can't help the double entendre, was bought up on a diet of slapstick comedy, Carry on films and smutty jokes.

I can't watch the Austin Powers films because of all the double entendre's in it, just drove me nuts with my brother-in-law reeling a load off, I was reeling for hours, nearly had to call an ambulance as I was going blue from laughter. 

[SBoardley]

2 hours ago, AirSniper said:

Who doesn't like the smell of fresh crack first thing in the morning?

I think I have a Mental illness of some sort, can't help the double entendre, was bought up on a diet of slapstick comedy, Carry on films and smutty jokes.

I can't watch the Austin Powers films because of all the double entendre's in it, just drove me nuts with my brother-in-law reeling a load off, I was reeling for hours, nearly had to call an ambulance as I was going blue from laughter. 

Yep. Your definitely a crack whore. 

[Cannonfodder]

You'd have to be on something strong to post what's in that ballistics thread

[Shamal]

I’ve just invented the first thought controlled air freshener. It makes scents when you think about it 🙄

 

Regards 

[Shamal]

Now here's a question for all you psychics and mediums out there!

 

 

Regards