Tell Us a Gag. Please!

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I have a record for having sex with celebrities. 

 

I also have a ban from Madam Tussauds.

[Cannonfodder]

23 hours ago, Shamal said:

How the heck did you find that?

Funny really cause yesterday It was mentioned about Mr Tackles penchant for feathers ???

 

Regards 

Faceache group called Angry People in Local Newspapers 

[sonofsammo]

My wife said to me the other day "and what's more, you never bloody listen!"
That's a funny way to start a conversation, I thought.

 

 

I decided to get a vasectomy because I didn't want kids.
Sadly they were still there when I got home from the operation.

 

 

My wife told me to get in touch with my feminine side.

So I crashed the car.

Then didn't talk to her for a week.

 

 

 

[Shamal]

I went to B&Q yesterday for a length of 4×2(150×50).

Salesman asked how long I wanted it?

I said that I was rather hoping to keep it.

 

 

[sonofsammo]

I ended up in the cells the other day.
I'd gone to B&Q to look for some wood for the garden. This cock in an orange overall asked me if I wanted decking.
So I got the first punch in.

[Shamal]

3 hours ago, sonofsammo said:

I ended up in the cells the other day.
I'd gone to B&Q to look for some wood for the garden. This cock in an orange overall asked me if I wanted decking.
So I got the first punch in.

Like it.?

[Shamal]

I walked past the bookmakers this morning and saw a sign that said Open Sunday 11-4. I thought that’s worth a tenners bet considering they were open last Sunday and good odds too.?

 

[Shamal]

13 minutes ago, Maxxx17 said:

I found an 18+ video on the Internet with my parents. What should I do now?

Say it like it is. You mean porn lol.

First thing that springs to mind is blackmail lol ? ? 

Regards 

[sonofsammo]

I told my friend the other day that I built a model of the Himalayas. 
He asked "to scale?" I replied "no, just to look at".

[Shamal]

My Grandad always said "The first rule of theatre is to always leave them wanting more"
Great bloke...
Terrible anaesthetist...

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

If you need to know the difference between a chickpea and a lentil,  remember that no one has ever paid for a lentil on their chest.  

[Jedi_Master]

20 hours ago, Maxxx17 said:

I found an 18+ video on the Internet with my parents. What should I do now?

 

And you are unsure which is worse: seeing your mother naked or continuing to wank over the video .

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Our local neighbourhood association are arguing about whether we should complain about the woman next door.   She spends half her time sunbathing naked in her garden. 

 

I'm on the fence myself. 

[Cannonfodder]

On 15/03/2022 at 17:57, Maxxx17 said:

I found an 18+ video on the Internet with my parents. What should I do now?

Link please 

[Skullchewer]

Greggs have announced plans to start a delivery service using drones.

All sounds a bit pie in the sky to me.

[Shamal]

Hi guys 

Got back from work today and my little Jack Russel had got out through cat flap.?

Just though maybe you could all keep a look out for him.

Description....

Blind in one eye

No tail due to accident with strimmer 

Three legs oh and

Part of left ear missing.

 

Lovely dog.

Answers to name of Lucky.

 

Thanks

 

 

 

 

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

My dear mother was unfortunately afflicted with a beak rather than lips.

 

Lovely woman but she had a fowl mouth.

 

 

[Shamal]

Just to warn you, there is a thief who's been stealing people's clothes off of their clothes line.  The thief has apparently been stealing them in order of size.  Whoever it is, they are still at large.

 

Regards

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Scientists have announced a new major study into the effects of cannabis on sea birds.

 

They intend to leave no tern unstoned in their research.  

[Shamal]

16 minutes ago, Tactical Pith Helmet said:

Scientists have announced a new major study into the effects of cannabis on sea birds.

 

They intend to leave no tern unstoned in their research.  

Yes good one ?

[Shamal]

In our search for ever cleaner and cheaper fuels, Engineers have just developed a car that can run on parsley.
Now they're hoping to make buses that can run on thyme.?

 

Regards

[Shamal]

Today I’ve undertaken my first ever sponsored Semaphore marathon . Unfortunately, I'm now 20 hours in and starting to flag quite badly .

 

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Sad news.  My mate Dave hanged himself at that new modern art gallery in town.

 

Took three weeks before someone realised that he wasn't an exhibit.  

[Cannonfodder]

On 22/03/2022 at 19:34, Shamal said:

Now they're hoping to make buses that can run on thyme.?

 

Regards

Really trying not make a Mussolini joke there 

[Shamal]

Well yeah it could be applied to trains as well ?