Tell Us a Gag. Please!

[Shamal]

Anybody on here want a vacuum cleaner? It's of no  use me. 

It's just sat in cupboard gathering dust. ?

 

Regards 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Police knocked on my door this evening.  

 

'Where were you between four and six?' they asked.

 

'Primary school,' I promptly answered.

 

Seriously, what a waste of public money!

[SBoardley]

Heard this one the other day:

Q: Why is Santas sack so big?

A: Because he only comes once a year!!

[Paul72]

Why does Santa always enter through the chimney?

 

Because it soots him

[EDcase]

10 minutes ago, Paul72 said:

Why does Santa always enter through the chimney?

 

Because it soots him

You got that from a cracker didn't you? ??

[Paul72]

Perzackly ?

[AirSniper]

Dug up a classic...

[SBoardley]

3 hours ago, AirSniper said:

Dug up a classic...

Are you a nonce? This is bad taste. Please delete. 

[Tackle]

2 hours ago, SBoardley said:

Are you a nonce? This is bad taste. Please delete. 

He ain't right, of that I've no doubt ?

[Shamal]

How did Mary and Joseph know Jesus’ weight when he was born? They had a weigh in a manger…boom boom! ?

Regards 

 

[colinjallen]

5 hours ago, SBoardley said:

Are you a nonce? This is bad taste. Please delete. 

Dear old Lem would not have been happy with that.  I don't think bad taste quite captures it.

[AirSniper]

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I excitedly opened my present on Christmas morning, the sheer delight when I saw the Gibson logo on the box, but when I finally got to opening it, it was empty. 

 

"What the fuck? " I yelled.

 

"You like it? " shouted my wife.  "I got you your own Gibson air guitar, now you can really rock out. "

[Paul72]

[Shamal]

Hi all.

If anyone on here is interested I've just heard that the British museum has recently taken delivery of a new exhibit.

It's an Egyptian mummy but instead of the usual mummification process this one was covered in chocolate and crushed nuts. 

They have called it Pharaoh Rochè....??

 

Regards 

[MAX DICKER]

45 minutes ago, Shamal said:

Hi all.

If anyone on here is interested I've just heard that the British museum has recently taken delivery of a new exhibit.

It's an Egyptian mummy but instead of the usual mummification process this one was covered in chocolate and crushed nuts. 

They have called it Pharaoh Rochè....??

 

Regards 

 

The Egyptian ambassador is really spoiling us.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

A bear walks into a bar.  'Whisky and...........................................................................................soda please,' he tells the barman.

 

'What's with the massive pause?' the barman asks.

 

'Dunno,' says the bear, 'I was born with them.'  

[Shamal]

2 minutes ago, Tactical Pith Helmet said:

A bear walks into a bar.  'Whisky and...........................................................................................soda please,' he tells the barman.

 

'What's with the massive pause?' the barman asks.

 

'Dunno,' says the bear, 'I was born with them.'  

The old ones are the best ? ?

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I was in the gym changing rooms at lunchtime with my mate Tom.   I turned around to speak to him and couldn't help noticing that he was wearing a lace thong.

 

'Bloody hell mate!'  I said.  'How long have you worn skimpy women's lace underwear?!'

 

'Since my wife found some in the glove compartment of my car,' he replied.

[AirSniper]

Lacking support...

[Cannonfodder]

I think musician Peter Gabriel is secretly an airsofter. The give away is a verse from Games without Frontiers 

 

"Andre has a red flag, Chiang Ching's is blue (usual armband colours) 
They all have hills to fly them on except for Lin Tai Yu (Lin didn't get any of the objectives) 
Dressing up in costumes, playing silly games
Hiding out in tree-tops shouting out rude names" (Sounds like a typical Sunday skirmish) 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Just had a bit of a row with my wife. 

 

She reckons I'm terrible at fixing electrical appliances. 

 

She's in for a shock later!

[Shamal]

In a similar vein....

I bought my mother in law a nice chair for Christmas.

Wife won't let me plug it in though! ?

 

Regards 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Just learned that all Norwegian military vessels have barcodes on their bows.

 

Apparently, when they get back to port, the harbour master can Scandinavian!

 

 

[AirSniper]

Fact...