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Tell Us a Gag. Please!


Shamal
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Anybody on here want a vacuum cleaner? It's of no  use me. 

It's just sat in cupboard gathering dust. 😉

 

Regards 

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Police knocked on my door this evening.  

 

'Where were you between four and six?' they asked.

 

'Primary school,' I promptly answered.

 

Seriously, what a waste of public money!

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2 hours ago, SBoardley said:

Are you a nonce? This is bad taste. Please delete. 

He ain't right, of that I've no doubt 🤬

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How did Mary and Joseph know Jesus’ weight when he was born? They had a weigh in a manger…boom boom! 😅

Regards 

 

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5 hours ago, SBoardley said:

Are you a nonce? This is bad taste. Please delete. 

Dear old Lem would not have been happy with that.  I don't think bad taste quite captures it.

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I excitedly opened my present on Christmas morning, the sheer delight when I saw the Gibson logo on the box, but when I finally got to opening it, it was empty. 

 

"What the fuck? " I yelled.

 

"You like it? " shouted my wife.  "I got you your own Gibson air guitar, now you can really rock out. "

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45 minutes ago, Shamal said:

Hi all.

If anyone on here is interested I've just heard that the British museum has recently taken delivery of a new exhibit.

It's an Egyptian mummy but instead of the usual mummification process this one was covered in chocolate and crushed nuts. 

They have called it Pharaoh Rochè....😀😀

 

Regards 

 

The Egyptian ambassador is really spoiling us.

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2 minutes ago, Tactical Pith Helmet said:

A bear walks into a bar.  'Whisky and...........................................................................................soda please,' he tells the barman.

 

'What's with the massive pause?' the barman asks.

 

'Dunno,' says the bear, 'I was born with them.'  

The old ones are the best 👌 😄

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I think musician Peter Gabriel is secretly an airsofter. The give away is a verse from Games without Frontiers 

 

"Andre has a red flag, Chiang Ching's is blue (usual armband colours) 
They all have hills to fly them on except for Lin Tai Yu (Lin didn't get any of the objectives) 
Dressing up in costumes, playing silly games
Hiding out in tree-tops shouting out rude names" (Sounds like a typical Sunday skirmish) 

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Just had a bit of a row with my wife. 

 

She reckons I'm terrible at fixing electrical appliances. 

 

She's in for a shock later!

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In a similar vein....

I bought my mother in law a nice chair for Christmas.

Wife won't let me plug it in though! 👹

 

Regards 

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Just learned that all Norwegian military vessels have barcodes on their bows.

 

Apparently, when they get back to port, the harbour master can Scandinavian!

 

 

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