Tell Us a Gag. Please!

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

 

Me: “I’m stuck on a crossword clue 'Overworked Postman' can you help me?”

 

My Wife: “Sure, how many letters?”

 

Me:  “I’m guessing too many.”  

[Skullchewer]

13 minutes ago, Tactical Pith Helmet said:

 

Me: “I’m stuck on a crossword clue 'Overworked Postman' can you help me?”

 

My Wife: “Sure, how many letters?”

 

Me:  “I’m guessing too many.”  

I love you and hate you in equal parts.

[Shamal]

I found this wonderful record in the charity shop called ‘natural sounds of wasps’.  However, when I got it home and played it, I thought, this sounds nothing like wasps.  Then I realised I was playing the B side.

 

Apologies but had to post it 

 

I'm off now.... 

[Shamal]

So I went to the supermarket this morning on my bike and bought a bottle of whiskey.

On my way home, it started raining heavily and I thought, if I fell off my bike I might smash the bottle, so I decided to drink it all.

It was a good decision. I fell off my bike 5 times before I got home.?

 

Regards 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Bit of a rough week really lads.  Lost my gran on Saturday.

 

Monday I didn't get a Valentine's card from my secret admirer, for the first time in 53 years.

 

 

[Shamal]

5 minutes ago, Tactical Pith Helmet said:

Bit of a rough week really lads.  Lost my gran on Saturday.

 

Monday I didn't get a Valentine's card from my secret admirer, for the first time in 53 years.

 

 

That's sad though. Sorry about your gran. ?

 

Regards 

Talking about valentines day though.

I was caught in a valentines scam.

I ordered some jewelery for my wife but a load of tools and a TV turned up! Beware!!

 

? 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I was working in my shop when the cashier called me over.  He said, 'These two guys came in and tried to give me some fake fifty pound notes.'

 

'What did they look like?' I asked.

 

'Fifty pound notes,' he replied.  

[Shamal]

Hi all.

What a bloody awful day.

Thought I'd pop along to an elderly neighbour to see if she needed any shopping. She did so I gave her my list. Well pointless both of us getting blown to fuck.?

 

Regards 

[Skullchewer]

Elton John has hired a rabbit as his personal trainer.

It's a little fit bunny.

[Shamal]

Well talking about animals,my mate has just text me that he has bought a four foot snake....I'm pretty sure it's a lizard.?

 

Regards 

 

 

[Skullchewer]

13 minutes ago, Shamal said:

Well talking about animals,my mate has just text me that he has bought a four foot snake....I'm pretty sure it's a lizard.?

 

Regards 

 

 

That actually took me a moment ?

[Cannonfodder]

A British Airways flight reached cruising altitude when the pilot came over the intercom

"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to BA fight 121 from Heathrow to New York. The weather forecast is good so we should have a smooth ride, landing at approximately five thir OH FUCK" 

 

After a long silence came back on the intercom

"I'm sorry if I scared you then ladies and gentlemen, it's just that a flight attendant spilt coffee on my lap. The front of my trousers are ruined" 

 

"That's nothing" shouted a passenger, "you should see the back of mine" 

[Shamal]

There were a couple of pigeons sat on my fence, making a mess, so I shouted at them with a high pitched scream. They both fell off and collapsed to the floor dead.

It's true,you can kill two birds with one's tone. ?.

 

Regards 

[Skullchewer]

Please, make it stop ?

[Shamal]

OK done now.......?

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I just got a job as a cuckoo in a cuckoo clock.

 

It’s not the best job in the world, but it gets me out of the house.

[Cannonfodder]

Why did the sperm cross the road? 

 

 

 

Because I put the wrong socks on this morning 

[Shamal]

Found a nice little restaurant.

It's called Peace and Quiet.

 

Kids menu start at £250.

 

Regards 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

My wife was fretting about something she'd done today.  

 

I told her to embrace her mistakes.  

 

She must have been cheered up because her reply was to give me the biggest hug! 

[Enid_Puceflange]

Here’s a good one…….

Airsoft Cardiff

 

best joke I have heard all day ??‍♂️

[Shamal]

While in London last weekend we saw a dog playing the trumpet on the Underground......

It went from Barking to Tooting in half an hour.....

Regards 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

'Sad news that someone fell from the roof of a local nightclub and is seriously hurt,' my wife said reading the morning paper over breakfast.

 

'Obviously not one of the bouncers,' I thought.  

[Druid799]

[Shamal]

 I have booked a table for my wife and me for our wedding anniversary....it will all end in tears as she is rubbish at snooker..

?

regards 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

My wife claimed she was late coming home tonight because she was ambushed by a group of elderly men who pinned her down and repaired her shoes.

 

Sounds like a load of old cobblers to me.