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Tell Us a Gag. Please!


Shamal
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Just watching a shifty looking geezer in the library searching intently through ths 'S' section of the dictionary, he's stopped now.

 

I think he's up to something.

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I was told I could look at the eclipse through a colander.

 

I tried it but it strained my eyes...

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10 hours ago, Shamal said:

Johnny said 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'

 

The teacher fainted

 

I'm gonna have to tell this one to my father...

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I had a lovely date last night.

 

Tomorrow I'm going to have a fig.

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I used to have a loving family, a nice house, and good car until I got involved with drugs.

 

Now I have my own island and a yacht.

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A man is walking through the woods when he sees a bear charging at him.
 He knows he can't outrun a bear for long, so he starts praying, "Dear Lord, I beseech thee. Please, o Lord, please let this bear be a Christian!"
The bear catches up to him, knocks him down on the ground, then gets on its knees and says, "Dear Lord, thank you for this food I am about to receive.

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Posted (edited)
6 hours ago, Tactical Pith Helmet said:

WTF is an acronym 

Lol

 

 

An elderly man rear-ended a guy driving an expensive European sports car. Enraged, the guy hops out and confronts the old man. He yells,

"Look what you did to my car! You're going to give me $10,000 right now or I'm going to beat you to a pulp!"

"Oh my…" the old man said nervously. "I don't have that kind of money. Let me call my son.” he said with hope. “He trains dolphins and he will know what to do."

"Dolphins!" the other driver huffed, while rolling his eyes.

The old man pulled out his phone, dialed his son, and just as his son answered, the irate man snatched the phone away from the old man.

"So, YOU'RE a dolphin trainer, huh?” The irate man yelled, “Well, your old man here just rear-ended my car and I need TEN GRAND right now, or I'm going to beat you AND your old man to a pulp!"

"I'll be there in 10 minutes." says the voice calmly on the other end.

Exactly 10 minutes later, a Jeep pulls up and a guy hops out and proceeds to pulverize the bully, leaving him in a heap on the side of the road. When he finished, he walked over to his father and said,

"For the last time dad, I train Seals… Navy Seals. NOT dolphins!”

Edited by Shamal
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So the mrs walked out of the shower, winked at me and said "I've just shaved down there, you know what that means?"

 

I looked up and replied "yeah, the bloody drain is blocked again"

 

It's lucky the sofa is comfy

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I gave up bread to lose weight, but it didn't work out because I'm lack toast intolerant...

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A great way to lose weight is to eat while you are naked and standing in front of a mirror.  Restaurants will always throw you out before you can eat...

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A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.

A boy, about 9, opened the door

"Is your dad or mum home?" said the farmer.

"No, they went to town."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No, he went with Mum and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,and mumbling to himself.

"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".

The boy thought for a moment...

"You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges £500 for the bull and £50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard"

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  It is with great sadness I have to announce the death of West Yorkshire’s former Chief Olympic hide and seek coach. 
  Matthew Donovan was forced to retire from the role several years ago after a training exercise involving the teams rising star went seriously wrong, leading to his imprisonment for kidnapping.

  In recent times he had made something of a comeback in the “Vampire Dairys”. A story of pioneering  work done raising the worlds first meat eating cattle. 
  He was always in the shadow of his more illustrious brother Mike “big V” Donovan who led the successful resistance against the space Lizard invasion. 
  RIP Dickhead.

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If you don't know the difference between "there", "their" and '"they're" then your an wally

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I asked the man in the shop "Have you got any Bulldog clips?"

 

He replied "No, but I've got a nice video of a Jack Russell"

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A lady walks into a fancy jewellery shop.She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet, and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a salesperson doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may not have been there at the time of her little "accident!" she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"

He answers, "Madam if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price.

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If anyone has any ideas how to fix the terrible condensation problem that we have in our house, please feel free to pop round anytime...

 

the kettle’s always on.

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