Tactical Pith Helmet Posted April 10 Share Posted April 10 Just watching a shifty looking geezer in the library searching intently through ths 'S' section of the dictionary, he's stopped now. I think he's up to something. concretesnail, Shamal and DanBow 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted April 10 Share Posted April 10 I was told I could look at the eclipse through a colander. I tried it but it strained my eyes... Shamal 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Shamal Posted April 11 Author Popular Post Share Posted April 11 A teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: 'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom? 'Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.' The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?' Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.' 'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?' Johnny said 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.' The teacher fainted Leo Greer, DanBow, Tackle and 3 others 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Tactical Pith Helmet Posted April 12 Popular Post Share Posted April 12 A Russian wife turned to her husband and asked, "What's this special military operation our glorious leader keeps talking about?" Her husband replied, "It's a war to stop America and NATO." "Oh, right” she says “How's it going?" “Well” he replied “so far we have lost over 20 generals, over 315,000 troops killed or wounded, 3000 tanks, 300 aircraft, hundreds of helicopters, countless armoured vehicles, artillery and trucks, our flagship along with other naval ships, our army is being defeated in most areas and we have had to resort to conscripting 500,000 Russians including murders and rapists to replace our losses”. “Wow” replied the wife “what about America and NATO”? “They haven’t turned up yet” Jedi_Master, Cannonfodder, Leo Greer and 3 others 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leo Greer Posted April 12 Share Posted April 12 10 hours ago, Shamal said: Johnny said 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.' The teacher fainted I'm gonna have to tell this one to my father... Shamal 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted April 12 Author Share Posted April 12 I had a lovely date last night. Tomorrow I'm going to have a fig. Tackle and Tactical Pith Helmet 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted April 12 Share Posted April 12 People think grass don't be wet in the morning. But it dew. DanBow and Shamal 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted April 13 Share Posted April 13 I used to have a loving family, a nice house, and good car until I got involved with drugs. Now I have my own island and a yacht. Cannonfodder, Shamal and EDcase 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cannonfodder Posted April 13 Share Posted April 13 What do cancer and Costco have in common? OJ in a box Shamal and DanBow 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted April 14 Author Share Posted April 14 A man is walking through the woods when he sees a bear charging at him. He knows he can't outrun a bear for long, so he starts praying, "Dear Lord, I beseech thee. Please, o Lord, please let this bear be a Christian!" The bear catches up to him, knocks him down on the ground, then gets on its knees and says, "Dear Lord, thank you for this food I am about to receive. Tactical Pith Helmet 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted April 15 Share Posted April 15 WTF is an acronym Shamal and Tackle 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted April 15 Author Share Posted April 15 (edited) 6 hours ago, Tactical Pith Helmet said: WTF is an acronym Lol An elderly man rear-ended a guy driving an expensive European sports car. Enraged, the guy hops out and confronts the old man. He yells, "Look what you did to my car! You're going to give me $10,000 right now or I'm going to beat you to a pulp!" "Oh my…" the old man said nervously. "I don't have that kind of money. Let me call my son.” he said with hope. “He trains dolphins and he will know what to do." "Dolphins!" the other driver huffed, while rolling his eyes. The old man pulled out his phone, dialed his son, and just as his son answered, the irate man snatched the phone away from the old man. "So, YOU'RE a dolphin trainer, huh?” The irate man yelled, “Well, your old man here just rear-ended my car and I need TEN GRAND right now, or I'm going to beat you AND your old man to a pulp!" "I'll be there in 10 minutes." says the voice calmly on the other end. Exactly 10 minutes later, a Jeep pulls up and a guy hops out and proceeds to pulverize the bully, leaving him in a heap on the side of the road. When he finished, he walked over to his father and said, "For the last time dad, I train Seals… Navy Seals. NOT dolphins!” Edited April 15 by Shamal Tactical Pith Helmet, Cannonfodder, Jedi_Master and 1 other 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Tackle Posted April 16 Moderators Share Posted April 16 Tactical Pith Helmet, Shamal, Cannonfodder and 1 other 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cannonfodder Posted April 16 Share Posted April 16 So the mrs walked out of the shower, winked at me and said "I've just shaved down there, you know what that means?" I looked up and replied "yeah, the bloody drain is blocked again" It's lucky the sofa is comfy Shamal, The Waco Kid, Tackle and 1 other 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Madhouse Posted April 16 Share Posted April 16 Had a chameleon once that couldn’t change colour. Turns out it had a reptile dysfunction. Tactical Pith Helmet, Shamal and DanBow 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted April 16 Author Share Posted April 16 I gave up bread to lose weight, but it didn't work out because I'm lack toast intolerant... Tactical Pith Helmet and Cannonfodder 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted April 17 Share Posted April 17 A great way to lose weight is to eat while you are naked and standing in front of a mirror. Restaurants will always throw you out before you can eat... Cannonfodder, Shamal and DanBow 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted April 17 Author Share Posted April 17 A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door "Is your dad or mum home?" said the farmer. "No, they went to town." "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" "No, he went with Mum and Dad." The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,and mumbling to himself. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message." "Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant". The boy thought for a moment... "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges £500 for the bull and £50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard" Cannonfodder, Tactical Pith Helmet and The Waco Kid 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Waco Kid Posted April 17 Share Posted April 17 It is with great sadness I have to announce the death of West Yorkshire’s former Chief Olympic hide and seek coach. Matthew Donovan was forced to retire from the role several years ago after a training exercise involving the teams rising star went seriously wrong, leading to his imprisonment for kidnapping. In recent times he had made something of a comeback in the “Vampire Dairys”. A story of pioneering work done raising the worlds first meat eating cattle. He was always in the shadow of his more illustrious brother Mike “big V” Donovan who led the successful resistance against the space Lizard invasion. RIP Dickhead. Tactical Pith Helmet and Shamal 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted April 18 Author Share Posted April 18 If you don't know the difference between "there", "their" and '"they're" then your an wally DanBow and Tactical Pith Helmet 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted April 19 Share Posted April 19 Just quit my job at the circus. My boss was a fucking clown... Shamal 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Madhouse Posted April 21 Share Posted April 21 What’s the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping tom? One snatches your watch and the other watches your snatch. Tactical Pith Helmet, DanBow and Shamal 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted April 21 Share Posted April 21 I asked the man in the shop "Have you got any Bulldog clips?" He replied "No, but I've got a nice video of a Jack Russell" Shamal and Tackle 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted April 22 Author Share Posted April 22 A lady walks into a fancy jewellery shop.She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet, and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a salesperson doesn't pop up right now. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may not have been there at the time of her little "accident!" she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?" He answers, "Madam if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price. Tackle, gavinkempsell and Tactical Pith Helmet 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted April 23 Share Posted April 23 If anyone has any ideas how to fix the terrible condensation problem that we have in our house, please feel free to pop round anytime... the kettle’s always on. Shamal and DanBow 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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