Tell Us a Gag. Please!

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I still owe money to Clinton, Gates, Murray & Oddie.

 

 

I'm really struggling to pay my Bills.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Dave walked in the pub with a black eye tonight.

 

'How did that happen?' I asked.

 

'The Mrs asked if I wanted her to fix a threesome up,' he replied.

 

'How did that lead to a black eye?' I asked.

 

'I asked her to call her mum and her sister.'

[Shamal]

My mate needed a bone marrow transplant. We found a match in Argentina and the operation was a success.

Our thanks go to Diego marrow donor.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Another wooden ball!

 

Would it kill the makers of avocado to have other toys?

[Shamal]

20 hours ago, Tactical Pith Helmet said:

Another wooden ball!

 

Would it kill the makers of avocado to have other toys?

Nope. I give up?? Lol

Scientists have discovered that the first two humans were actually cocknies.
Would you Adam and Eve it?

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

5 hours ago, Shamal said:

Nope. I give up?? Lol

Think of Kinder Eggs.   

 

Uncle Bob came across a photo of his mother in law last night.

 

Aunt Alice hasn't talked to him since...

[Shamal]

17 hours ago, Tactical Pith Helmet said:

Think of Kinder Eggs.   

 

Uncle Bob came across a photo of his mother in law last night.

 

Aunt Alice hasn't talked to him since...

Can I stop thinking about kinder eggs now? It's not helping ☹️

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

4 hours ago, Shamal said:

Can I stop thinking about kinder eggs now? It's not helping ☹️

You get the same 'toy' in the avocado again and again. 

 

 

 

I've got a good joke about trickle down economics; but 99% of you won't get it. 

[Madhouse]

I hear Blacks, Millets and Go Outdoors have started a price war.

 

I think we're in for a winter of discount tents.

[Shamal]

Really regretting teaching my dog to play classical music on the piano.
All day long it's Bach, Bach,  Bach, Bach, Bach

19 hours ago, Tactical Pith Helmet said:

You get the same 'toy' in the avocado again and again. 

 

 

 

I've got a good joke about trickle down economics; but 99% of you won't get it. 

Go on then. I'll get it.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

5 hours ago, Shamal said:

Go on then. I'll get it.

Not according to economists.  ? 

[Shamal]

I got eczema, diarrhoea, gonorrhoea and haemorrhoids last week.

 

 

 

 

First time I've ever won a game of Scrabble.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Lost my job on the bins due to alcoholism. 

 

I kept falling off the wagon. 

[Shamal]

I'm wondering if acupuncture would be a cure for my pins and needles

[Shamal]

 What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.

 

 

"Dad are we pyromaniacs?"

 

"Yes we arson"

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

My Boss has threatened to sack the employee with the worst posture.

 

I have a hunch, it might be me...

[Shamal]

Never buy flowers from a monk......

 

Only you can prevent florist friars

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I've become a Jehovas Bystander.

 

It's like being a Jehovas Witness but for people who don't want to get involved. 

[Shamal]

17. Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I've been told to stop drinking milk.

 

I've tested various substitutes with tea, coffee,  custard,  muesli,  porridge, cereals and on their own.  Soya, almond, oat etc.

 

My favourite is the Bailey's. 

[Shamal]

 Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.

[Shamal]

A prison guard went into work one day, and he was surprised to see one of his friends locked in a cell. He asked his friend what he was doing behind bars.

“Well, I was out doing my Christmas shopping one morning," his friend explained, "and then the police handcuffed me and brought me here because they said I was getting it done too early.”

“Well, that doesn't sound so bad," said the guard. "I get my Christmas shopping done by the middle of November. How early did you do yours?”

His friend replied, “About three hours before the store opened"!

 

 

 

 

[Shamal]

Right.Just so everyone is clear..... I'm gonna put my glasses on..?‍?

Edited December 18, 2022 by Shamal

[Cannonfodder]

I really don't understand this new fad of miking milk and coke

 

It's far harder to snort off a stripper's arse

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I've never been any good at haggling. 

 

I've paid the price, I can tell you.