Tell Us a Gag. Please!

[Tackle]

5 hours ago, Skullchewer said:

Damnit! Fuck you and your functioning memory, Tackle!

It's a rare thing given the average age on here ?

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I'm not saying the bloke that runs out local Aldi is thick but, when I asked if they could open Till 3, the manager replied.. " We're already open till 10 most nights. "

[Shamal]

Age old question. I have just discovered a McDonald’s that does an all day breakfast menu, alongside its normal menu.  So I put in two orders, with one I ordered the egg McMuffin and for my second order I requested the Mcchicken sandwich.  I shall therefore let you know…..

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I accidentally swallowed some maggots whilst fishing today.

 

Now I'm sat in A&E waiting with baited breath. 

[Shamal]

I’ve got two spare tickets to the Prune Juice festival for anyone that’s not going?

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

A bad electrician charges the earth.

[Shamal]

Well,stone the crows!

I’m in trouble with the RSPB again.

[Skullchewer]

So what if I can’t spell Armageddon, it’s not the end of the world.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Marvin Gaye kept a sheep in my vineyard. 

 

He'd herd it through the grapevine. 

[Skullchewer]

Did blindfolded archery the other day, you should try it, you don't know what you're missing!

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

My therapist says that a problem shared is a hundred quid.  

[Shamal]

When the doctor told me that he'd messed up my operation, my heart was in my mouth.?

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

4 hours ago, Shamal said:

When the doctor told me that he'd messed up my operation, my heart was in my mouth.?

I almost put a sad emoji to that one.  I laughed and then felt my heart in my mouth at the very thought for God's sake!  ?

[Skullchewer]

I told my girlfriend there’s only one thing that scares me about Halloween, she said “which is?” I said exactly!

[Shamal]

Scientists have grown human vocal cords from stem cells in the laboratory.

The results speak for themselves.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

If you want to play a real life version of Pac-Man then go to DFS and try and avoid the salesman.

[Skullchewer]

Astronomers got tired of watching the moon go around the earth, after 24 hours they decided to call it a day.

[Shamal]

I was intending to publish my book about the "Black Death" until I got accused of plaguerism

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Elvis my pet mouse has died.

 

He was caught in a trap. 

[Madhouse]

When poor dolphins die they're given a porpoise funeral.

[Tackle]

The guys at the Christmas cracker factory are gonna be all over this thread looking for new material. 

Not joking lol ?

[Adolf Hamster]

34 minutes ago, Tackle said:

Not joking lol 

 

Tbf, neither is anyone else in this thread.....

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I used to work in a factory that made abacuses.

 

I found it very counterproductive.

[Shamal]

An actor gets out of brand new Porsche, a lorry racing by takes the door clean off. “my Porsche, my lovely Porsche”, screams the actor. A police officer arrives & says “I can't believe you, your so focused on your possessions you haven't even noticed your right arm has been ripped off". The actor looks down & screams “oh no, my lovely Rolex".

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I see that Matt Hancock is going on a reality TV show.

 

Following his example Lizz Truss is to appear on I'm a Calamity Get Me Out of Here.