Tell Us a Gag. Please!

[Tackle]

[Shamal]

Allotment mystery. Over the last three weeks, I’ve discovered someone has been dumping soil on my allotment.  I have tried to catch who’s doing it, but have had no joy.

 

 

 

 

 

The plot thickens.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Went to the bulimia clinic today. 

 

It was heaving.   

[Shamal]

Dress code. I was called into my manager’s office over the weekend because of my dress code.
He told me that I wasn’t allowed to wear pyjamas for work.
So I replied “everyone else does”
To which he replied “that’s because they are patients".

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

This must be a worrying time for anyone who has dumped bodies in a reservoir...

[Cannonfodder]

9 hours ago, Tactical Pith Helmet said:

This must be a worrying time for anyone who has dumped bodies in a reservoir...

https://www.independent.co.uk/climate-change/news/lake-mead-mob-body-barrel-b2144152.html

[Shamal]

9 hours ago, Cannonfodder said:

https://www.independent.co.uk/climate-change/news/lake-mead-mob-body-barrel-b2144152.html

Fuck! That's a bit of a coincidence you saying that Mr Helmet ??

Edited August 16, 2022 by Shamal

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I have the right to remain silent, capiche?  

[Shamal]

‪When I asked what body wash they prefer to use in the shower, 8 out of 10 women said: "How the hell did you get in here!"

[Cannonfodder]

Did you get the know that there's no Canaries on the Canary Islands? 

 

Its the same as the Virgin Isles,  not a single Canary there either 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Just failed my RAF entrance exam.

 

Bomb bay doors are not an Indian tribute act apparently.

 

 

[Shamal]

Cloning machine. To whoever stole my cloning machine, I hope you are pleased with yourself.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

The lad came home from school with two armchairs and a sofa.

 

I clipped him round the ear for taking suites from a stranger.

[Shamal]

Well my boy got sent home from school yesterday because the boy sitting next to him was smoking.

I was straight up the school to confront the teacher. 

He said "To be fair,it was your son that set him alight" doh!!

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

'The parking costs too much...'

 

'This coffee costs too much...'

 

'This sandwich costs too much...'

 

FFS, if they don't like it they should visit another grandparent!  

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

My wife's off to a party tonight. 

 

The invite said 'dress to kill.'

 

She's gone as Rose West.    

[Shamal]

I went to a fancy dress party with a Durex on my nose.

The host asked what I had come as.

"Fuck knows" I replied.

[Shamal]

My mate slippery Sid got sent down last week for something he didn't do.......

He didn't wear gloves.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

The man who invented personalised number plates has passed away.

 

His funeral takes place at the crematorium on TUE504Y at 1pm.

[Shamal]

The vet just informed us our pet goat  won’t be able to have offspring.  Honestly No kidding.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

What the fuck is it with hedgehogs?

 

Why can't they share the damn hedge?

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Thought I found the remains of a dinosaur yesterday; turns out it was a fossil arm

[Shamal]

17 hours ago, Tactical Pith Helmet said:

Thought I found the remains of a dinosaur yesterday; turns out it was a fossil arm

I had to think hard on that for couple mins lol

[Cannonfodder]

I think my chronic masterbating addiction has returned. 

 

It's ok though,  I've beaten it before and will beat it again 

[Shamal]

For all those that have said they don’t like my jokes, maybe it’s because all my terrible jokes are in English, here’s one in Spanish...

 

 

.....Uno