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Tell Us a Gag. Please!


Shamal
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Allotment mystery. Over the last three weeks, I’ve discovered someone has been dumping soil on my allotment.  I have tried to catch who’s doing it, but have had no joy.

 

 

 

 

 

The plot thickens.

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Dress code. I was called into my manager’s office over the weekend because of my dress code.
He told me that I wasn’t allowed to wear pyjamas for work.
So I replied “everyone else does”
To which he replied “that’s because they are patients".

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This must be a worrying time for anyone who has dumped bodies in a reservoir...

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  On 16/08/2022 at 00:21, Tactical Pith Helmet said:

This must be a worrying time for anyone who has dumped bodies in a reservoir...

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https://www.independent.co.uk/climate-change/news/lake-mead-mob-body-barrel-b2144152.html

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  On 16/08/2022 at 09:44, Cannonfodder said:
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Fuck! That's a bit of a coincidence you saying that Mr Helmet 🤔😂

Edited by Shamal
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‪When I asked what body wash they prefer to use in the shower, 8 out of 10 women said: "How the hell did you get in here!"

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Did you get the know that there's no Canaries on the Canary Islands? 

 

Its the same as the Virgin Isles,  not a single Canary there either 

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Just failed my RAF entrance exam.

 

Bomb bay doors are not an Indian tribute act apparently.

 

 

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Cloning machine. To whoever stole my cloning machine, I hope you are pleased with yourself.

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The lad came home from school with two armchairs and a sofa.

 

I clipped him round the ear for taking suites from a stranger.

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Well my boy got sent home from school yesterday because the boy sitting next to him was smoking.

I was straight up the school to confront the teacher. 

He said "To be fair,it was your son that set him alight" doh!!

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'The parking costs too much...'

 

'This coffee costs too much...'

 

'This sandwich costs too much...'

 

FFS, if they don't like it they should visit another grandparent!  

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My wife's off to a party tonight. 

 

The invite said 'dress to kill.'

 

She's gone as Rose West.    

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I went to a fancy dress party with a Durex on my nose.

The host asked what I had come as.

"Fuck knows" I replied.

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My mate slippery Sid got sent down last week for something he didn't do.......

He didn't wear gloves.

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The man who invented personalised number plates has passed away.

 

His funeral takes place at the crematorium on TUE504Y at 1pm.

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The vet just informed us our pet goat  won’t be able to have offspring.  Honestly No kidding.

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  On 26/08/2022 at 23:15, Tactical Pith Helmet said:

Thought I found the remains of a dinosaur yesterday; turns out it was a fossil arm

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I had to think hard on that for couple mins lol

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I think my chronic masterbating addiction has returned. 

 

It's ok though,  I've beaten it before and will beat it again 

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For all those that have said they don’t like my jokes, maybe it’s because all my terrible jokes are in English, here’s one in Spanish...

 

 

.....Uno

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