Tell Us a Gag. Please!

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

That's the last time I go on a blind date.

 

Her bloody dog wouldn't let me go near her.

[Stratton Oakmont]

Did you hear about the man who was so bored whilst riding on the London underground he decided to teach his dog how to play the trumpet.

He went from barking to tooting in under an hour.

[Shamal]

1 hour ago, Stratton Oakmont said:

Did you hear about the man who was so bored whilst riding on the London underground he decided to teach his dog how to play the trumpet.

He went from barking to tooting in under an hour.

Hey copyright.lol

I think I done that one months ago ??

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

[AirSniper]

Maggi Thatchers Statue ... again....

 

[Shamal]

A quick grammar lesson for a few of you on here.

A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:

Jane ate her friend’s lunch.
Jane ate her friend’s colon.?

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Uncle Bob is completely bald, but still carries a comb with him.

 

He just can't part with it...

[Shamal]

54 minutes ago, Tactical Pith Helmet said:

Uncle Bob is completely bald, but still carries a comb with him.

 

He just can't part with it...

See the old ones are priceless?

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Here's a 21st Century one...

 

What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students?

 

A PDF file

[Shamal]

I just called the sea-life centre and when they answered the telephone, the person at the other end asked me to say "do a back-flip’, then to say; ‘jump through a hoop’." 

Apparently all calls are recorded for training Porpoises

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

 

I took the shell off of my snail to make it lighter and faster.

 

If anything, it's now more sluggish.

[Shamal]

The Police have announced that they are investigating why the plaque on the wall outside the Colgate head office keeps disappearing..?

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

There's something I have in common with my Tazer.

 

After last night's incident, we're both going to get charged.

[AirSniper]

[Shamal]

In the betting shop, my friend told me to put all my money on a horse named Landfill...

I’m fuming now as it turns out it was a rubbish tip...

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

R Kelly has been given 30 years.

 

Should have listened to me when I said, 'Don't be a daft booger and let thee sen get caught.'  

 

(Apologies to any forum members from Yorkshire)  

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Grandad never threw anything away, couldn't bear to.

 

That hand grenade made a right mess of him...

[Dan Robinson]

I got sacked from my job because l kept asking my customers whether they would prefer Smoking or Non-smoking. 

 

Apparently the correct terms are cremation and burial.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower'  

 

I think I might have florets

[Shamal]

I was sacked from my job at a nightwear factory for using too much material in my nightgowns. I got fired for gross negligee.

[Shamal]

It was another one of those hot days yesterday, so to cool down I’ve taken all my clothes off and opened all the windows.

I felt so much better, although the other people on the bus didn’t seem that pleased.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

On 01/07/2022 at 21:07, Dan Robinson said:

I got sacked from my job because l kept asking my customers whether they would prefer Smoking or Non-smoking. 

 

Apparently the correct terms are cremation and burial.

'I can see ground-breaking procedures ahead of you Mr Jones' I told my patient.

 

I didn't tell him that I meant a burial.  

[Floperator]

On 29/06/2022 at 23:44, Tactical Pith Helmet said:

R Kelly has been given 30 years.

 

Should have listened to me when I said, 'Don't be a daft booger and let thee sen get caught.'  

 

(Apologies to any forum members from Yorkshire)  

It's taken 4 days but I just got it

[Cannonfodder]

Doc: you really need to stop masterbating 

 

Me: why? 

 

Doc: because this is the waiting room and you're upsetting the receptionist 

[Shamal]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.