Tell Us a Gag. Please!

[Shamal]

A blonde was very upset and wanted to end it all.

She held a gun to her head and her boyfriend was laughing. She said to him, keep laughing you prick, you’re next.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I can't believe I've been sacked from the clock factory after all the extra hours I put in!

[Madhouse]

I'm scared of being stuck in a lift with Father Christmas.

 

I think I have Claus-trophobia.

[Shamal]

 I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts...

 

I won’t lie, it was a rocky road

Edited December 20, 2022 by Shamal

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

What's got loads of balls and fucks rabbits? 

 

 

A shotgun...

[Shamal]

Our dog kept chasing people on a bike.
So we took his bike off him.
Then he just sat in the garden and barked all day.
So we gave him his bike back.
Because his bark was worse than his bike.

[Shamal]

I'll be posting some jokes Telepathically today, So if you think of something funny, that was me.?

 

merry Christmas to all. ?‍?

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I joined a carpenters class the other day. 

 

We haven't made anything yet. 

 

We've only just begun. 

 

 

[Cannonfodder]

On valentines day whats better than roses on your piano? 

 

Tulips on your organ

[Shamal]

I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.?

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I manged to mix human and donkey DNA today.

 

I also got kicked out of the petting zoo.  

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Lifelong Liverpool supporter Yul Brynner was known to hate aftershave.

 

Yul never wore cologne. 

[Shamal]

On 30/12/2022 at 01:23, Tactical Pith Helmet said:

Lifelong Liverpool supporter Yul Brynner was known to hate aftershave.

 

Yul never wore cologne. 

?

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

My wife was born female, she identifies as female.

 

 

According to Sainsbury's Deluxe Sticky Toffee Pudding, she's a family of four.

[Shamal]

19 hours ago, Tactical Pith Helmet said:

My wife was born female, she identifies as female.

 

 

According to Sainsbury's Deluxe Sticky Toffee Pudding, she's a family of four.

I think I get it?

 

I burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night.

 

I think I should have used aloha setting.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Did you know that the leading cause of cancer in lab rats is research scientists?

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I had one of those Russian advent calendars this year. 

 

Each time you opened a window an oligarch fell out.  

[Tackle]

31 minutes ago, Tactical Pith Helmet said:

I had one of those Russian advent calendars this year. 

 

Each time you opened a window an oligarch fell out.  

Steady on comrade, I nearly had to use the "careful now" emoji ?

[Shamal]

2 hours ago, Tackle said:

Steady on comrade, I nearly had to use the "careful now" emoji ?

You have just about worn it out ?

[Shamal]

My doctor told me today that I’m a hypochondriac.  I replied, “not that as well!!”

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Go on I dare you...

[Shamal]

A man climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai and gets close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord, "God, what does a million years mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A minute."

The man then asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A penny."

Then he asks,"Can I have a penny?" The Lord replies, "In a minute

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Two Russian soldiers are whacking a bomb with a hammer.  

 

'You idiots,' shouts an NCO as he spots them, 'what if that goes off?'

 

'It's OK,' they reply, 'we've got another one.'

[Zarrin]

Oldie but a goodie:

 

Supposed transcript of a radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Ops 10-10-95.

USS Lincoln Bridge officer: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
 

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
 

USS Lincoln Bridge officer: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
 

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
 

USS Lincoln Bridge officer: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln the second largest ship in the United States' Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that YOU change your course 15 degrees north, that's one five degrees north, or countermeasures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.
 

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

[Shamal]

I was at the races and a man whispered to me, “Would you like the winner in the next race?”. I thought fool, where on earth would I keep it, I only have a small garden