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Tell Us a Gag. Please!


Shamal
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5 hours ago, Skullchewer said:

Damnit! Fuck you and your functioning memory, Tackle!

It's a rare thing given the average age on here 😏

youre-never-too-1qbyf4.jpg

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I'm not saying the bloke that runs out local Aldi is thick but, when I asked if they could open Till 3, the manager replied.. " We're already open till 10 most nights. "

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Age old question. I have just discovered a McDonald’s that does an all day breakfast menu, alongside its normal menu.  So I put in two orders, with one I ordered the egg McMuffin and for my second order I requested the Mcchicken sandwich.  I shall therefore let you know…..

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I accidentally swallowed some maggots whilst fishing today.

 

Now I'm sat in A&E waiting with baited breath. 

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I’ve got two spare tickets to the Prune Juice festival for anyone that’s not going?

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Well,stone the crows!

I’m in trouble with the RSPB again.

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Marvin Gaye kept a sheep in my vineyard. 

 

He'd herd it through the grapevine. 

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When the doctor told me that he'd messed up my operation, my heart was in my mouth.🤔

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4 hours ago, Shamal said:

When the doctor told me that he'd messed up my operation, my heart was in my mouth.🤔

I almost put a sad emoji to that one.  I laughed and then felt my heart in my mouth at the very thought for God's sake!  🤣

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Scientists have grown human vocal cords from stem cells in the laboratory.

The results speak for themselves.

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If you want to play a real life version of Pac-Man then go to DFS and try and avoid the salesman.

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I was intending to publish my book about the "Black Death" until I got accused of plaguerism

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The guys at the Christmas cracker factory are gonna be all over this thread looking for new material. 

Not joking lol 👍

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I used to work in a factory that made abacuses.

 

I found it very counterproductive.

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An actor gets out of brand new Porsche, a lorry racing by takes the door clean off. “my Porsche, my lovely Porsche”, screams the actor. A police officer arrives & says “I can't believe you, your so focused on your possessions you haven't even noticed your right arm has been ripped off". The actor looks down & screams “oh no, my lovely Rolex".

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I see that Matt Hancock is going on a reality TV show.

 

Following his example Lizz Truss is to appear on I'm a Calamity Get Me Out of Here. 

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