Tell Us a Gag. Please!

[Shamal]

A five-year-old girl went to the office with her father on”Take Your Kid to Work Day".

As they were walking around the office,the young girl started crying and getting very cranky.Her father asked what was wrong with her.

As the staff gathered round,she sobbed loudly:”Daddy,where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?”

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I don't take anything in the newspaper seriously, except for fish and chips.

 

And even that I take with a pinch of salt.

[Shamal]

My mate rod was a fisherman. Loved it and was very good at it even though he only had one hand. 

 

Every fish he caught was always this long ✋...........

[Shamal]

So I said to Mrs shamal "my wedding ring is getting tight,I might have to take it off" 

"No you won't"she said.

"But its cutting off my circulation!"

"Well that's the point of wearing it really"she replied.🤔

 

I never knew what happiness was until I got married and then it was too late.☹️

 

 

 

[Dan Robinson]

Oooohhhh  - Just found my old "Funny Pics Folder".  Some of these go back 20 years or more.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Shamal]

Tomorrow will be mine and the wife's sixth wedding anniversary.
I remember the very first time I met her, almost 20 years ago.. teeth that wouldn't have looked out of place in a Colgate advert, sexy, gym fit waist and gorgeous bum.
I've let myself go a bit since then.

[Cannonfodder]

Cut and pasted as I'm too lazy to type it out. Apologies for the caps

 

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.
 THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.
 SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.
 THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
 THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
 THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.
 THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
 THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.
 THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL
 HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."
 HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
 THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
 "I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO."

[Shamal]

Had a game of frisbee with the dog today.

He was useless.....

I think I need a flatter dog.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Went to an abstract gallery today.

 

What a load of Pollocks...  

[Shamal]

Yeah well we went to an art gallery yesterday but had some trouble getting in. 

Apparently there was an incident with a Picasso and a Constable.

 

It seems that the Citroen had run over the coppers foot 🤔

[Shamal]

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem – how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, ‘Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane’
The farmer said, ‘Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot.’
The old lady suggested, ‘Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand’
‘Why thank you very much,’ he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says ‘Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.’
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, ‘I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?’
The farmer said, ‘Holy smokes lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?’
The old lady replied…… ‘Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens

[Shamal]

A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" the woman said embarrassingly.

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed."

He thought a minute and then said, "You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that...that phrase in no time."

"Thank you," the lady responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.

As he ushered her in, she saw his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

There was a stunned silence.

Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Bloody millleniels, walking around as if they rent the place. 

[Shamal]

Is it ok to start drinking as soon as the kids are at school....
Or am I really just a bad teacher ?

[concretesnail]

50 minutes ago, Shamal said:

Is it ok to start drinking as soon as the kids are at school....
Or am I really just a bad teacher ?

Answers to be found at the bottle of the bottle.

[Cannonfodder]

[AirSniper]

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Lizz Truss wants to outlaw wolf whistling. 

 

Yet another politician making laws about things they have no personal experience of...  

[Shamal]

I had a hen once, who could count her own eggs.

She was a mathmachicken.

 

No no I'll do it.🤦

[Cannonfodder]

[Shamal]

So I asked my boss, "What do you want me to do with this six metre roll of bubble wrap?"
He said, "Just pop it in the corner"...

4 hours it took me!

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

My new thesaurus is terrible and terrible.   

[Shamal]

I hear there may be a hose pipe ban next week, so I've just bought 10 in B & Q.

Forward thinkin eh? 😉

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

My extra sensitive toothpaste gets upset if I use another brand...

[Shamal]

My doctor prescribed me some tablets and gave me strict instructions to follow the directions on the bottle the tablets came in.  Well I did and I haven’t seen my kids for two weeks.