Tactical Pith Helmet

Why does the Avon lady walk funny? Her lipstick.

As I get older I remember all of the people that I've lost. Maybe I should never have become a tour guide...

I like midwives. They help people out.

Two Englishmen arrive at llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch and go for a bite to eat. As they eat, they ask the waitress how to pronounce where they are. 'Buuurrrggggerrrr Kiiinnngg,' she says slowly.

I always take a holdall for food, water, bottles of BBs etc. I only run a couple of mid-caps, 500ml water bottle and one pyro usually. I top up the water bottle, my cloth BB bag, speedloader from the holdall. Unless it's a milsim on a massive site there's no way I'm carrying much more than that. Most games I don't bother with a pistol either. I can fit the lot on a battle belt with ease. One large pouch for BBs, spare mag, speedloader. One fast pouch thing for the other spare mag, and a bottle of water in a cheapo 8fields bottle holder. Themed loadout is chicom and 56 pattern bottle on a shoulder strap. There aren't even pockets in black VC PJs and we do fine. Too much weight these days and arthritic bits start to complain. I do physio, but pain killers at the start of the day help. If the joints fucked, try to strengthen the muscles around it perhaps. I did my back a few years ago. Core strengthening helped more than physio did for me.

We had the same with Toshiba in the oil industry. Their laptops were indestructible compared with everyone else's. But by God did they cost! They also did programmes for valve operation so you could buy a complete package - at a price. Given our location it was a square deal though. You IT bods rarely fancied Lagos. Thing is... that G&G M4 is my back up rif still. AND I've lent it out a fair few times to mates with less reliable gnus. Same goes for my CYMA AK underfolder too though. Many a kid has dropped that muzzle first on something hard. Then Mrs TPH monopolized it every game. Then I hurt my back and used it instead of my RPK. The Raider is in better cosmetic nick, but the CYMA been very badly treated. I've fucked over badly holding it thrice. Pre-Brexit the Raider was £130 (Zero One), the CYMA £78 (Taiwan Gun) if memory serves. No clue what they cost now though.

The reason that I didn't mention M4s is that my first rif was a Raider. I've never needed another M4 in all the time that I've played. To throw a leftfield into the arena, the Snow Wolf K98 is my most fun gun to use. It's by far the most satisfying. I imagine that as an only rifle it might send one mad though. It depends a lot on what games you attend. If WWI themed events are on the list, an M4 is not best option.

I picked up a CYMA metal bodied Ak74SU a couple of months ago for less than £200. I would go CYMA AK/M14. I'll leave the M4 recommendations to others.

I'll take any acting role, but I hate innuendo in a script. If I see any I whip it out straight away.

Given how much 36 Pattern webbing is around in sound nick, poor load carrying should be a thing of the past! I bought a Belgian BAR set of webbing last week. Still 100% useable if old fashioned. Even Indian repro WWI kit is stronger than cheap airsoft gear. Not that 'operator' to show up with a stripper kit rig though.

I'm throwing in the towel at running my chicken dating site business. I simply can't make hens meet.

People have been nicked for disassembling rifs and spreading the bits between two vehicles. As the lady from the embassy said, 'No exceptions.' You also have to resist laughing when the German plod demand your papers, ask you your name etc. They don't have much sense of humour around firearm offences and the odd Dad's Army line may result in much trouble.* *Asking a leather trenchcoated transit policeman if he models himself on the Gestapo WILL result in trouble too. Ask my mate Del....

I had similar with an RPK from Land Warrior. I told 'LW as I would want to know myself if the courier I used was crap. What really pissed me off is that the courier delivered to my house regularly, and couldn't be arsed to put the package through the open shed window due to it's size. As it was pissing it down I was extra annoyed. On a similar note... I had a chat with a chap from E-Bay last week over some missing boxing shorts. He said that items being notified as being left in a safe place not being actually being delivered at all was 90% of the complaints received. This week someone called O'Brian signed for my £120 sparring gloves. I don't have any neighbours, and my surname is not O'Brian... Fuck knows where my gloves turned up.

Before the invention of the crowbar, crows had to drink at home.

I've had two of the things, my first (bloody awful) rif, and a pistol that didn't work out of the box.

Best: G&G M4 or CYMA M14. Both just perform exactly as they should. Both accepted a few mods without shitting themselves AND actually shot even better! All the gnus I really need (we'll ignore the other dozen or so). Worst: SRC M4. Hop didn't work. Didn't feed. Slow motor speed. Bloody awful build quality. Flexible receiver anyone? or.... SRC pistol. Never even fired a shot...

SRC are crap. I wouldn't wrote Nuprol off completely. A local site uses Defenders as hire guns. A problem here is partly that QC is so loose in airsoft that one person's nightmare is another's quality buy. That said SRC are seriously crap. I'd be interested in who actually honours a warranty, rather than tries to wriggle out of one.

On mine I simply replaced the barrel and hop rubber and nub. Slightly better consistency/accuracy than standard, a few yards extra range perhaps. I set the hop and tightened the screw on the adjuster arm. Were I not a lazy toad, I would have changed the nozzle as this is key to repeatable shooting, but since mine shot OK I didn't bother. You can bugger about with them in a million ways, but passed those mods it's diminishing returns in terms of cash for positive improvements I think. That said, this is airsoft. Yours may really need a metal hop unit to get the best out of it. You may need to reshim and grease the gearbox etc. Test it beside another CYMA AK and see what it performs like in comparison perhaps. I test my modded G&G M4 beside my lad's standard one.

My wife accused me of achieving nothing so I told her, 'Well I won the Leslie Nielson award at school.' 'What's that?', she said. 'It's a big building with kids in it.'

There are post-conviction laws regarding airguns too. If you've a criminal record, possession can be a serious offence.

My wife told me she’ll slam my head into the keyboard if I don’t get off the computer. I’m not too worried. I think she’s jokindkdkslalkdlkfjslfjslksdlkfjuahehwhgwdklaljdffakvjadfvjlasdjsdlsdlvdsldshvsdhovhdsoifjsdlkn cxlkvn;oi I was in the SAS, but I can't tell you about it.* *Suffolk Agricultural Services.

I was waving a large Sabatier around once. The plod ignored me as they knew I have a City and Guilds in catering and a food hygiene certificate (which the local Environmental Health Dept. had confirmed).

I wallowed in a bath full of creosote today. Just though I'd treat myself.

I have a CYMA aep 1911 with a li-po fitted using a battery adapter that fits the standard nimh slot. It's a useful thing for CQB but bulkier than a standard gbb 1911 and heavier too. Full auto is useful but my lads G18 TM is fun and uses gas.

Mate of mine thinks that he's a chocolate orange. We're going to have him sectioned...