Tell Us a Gag. Please!

[Skullchewer]

Just met Leo Sayer in the local pub. He said "You look like Sam from Cheers "

He made me feel like Danson!

[Skullchewer]

@Tackleyou laughed at my Leo Sayer joke. You are officially old. 

[gavinkempsell]

2 minutes ago, Skullchewer said:

you laughed at my Leo Sayer joke. You are officially old.

can't believe I never got it the first time.

[Tackle]

5 minutes ago, Skullchewer said:

@Tackleyou laughed at my Leo Sayer joke. You are officially old. 

Lol, I considered commenting on it that it would be wasted on many here??

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

It's Saint George's Day today.  Patron saint of cheap clothes in Asda.  

[Shamal]

Because of the hot weather over the next few days, my boss has said we can bring shorts to work.
Jack Daniels it is then!

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I hate being tailgated, especially when you're already doing 70 in a 30.

 

And this blokes aftermarket blue lights are bloody annoying too...

[Shamal]

Policeman said "you were  doing 75 mph sir" 

"That's a lie officer", I replied."I've only been out for twenty minutes"

 

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Yesterday I accidentally stepped on a copy of the Daily Mail and then had to spend ages hunting round to find some dog shit to wipe it off with.

[Shamal]

IM GOING TO WRITE ALL MY JOKES IN CAPITALS. THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN CARDIFF.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

There are two types of people in the world, the bad and the good.

 

The good sleep better, but the bad enjoy being awake more...

[Shamal]

I wouldn’t recommend that new steak house in town, the beef was so undercooked, it started eating the salad.

[gavinkempsell]

40 minutes ago, Shamal said:

I wouldn’t recommend that new steak house in town, the beef was so undercooked, it started eating the salad.

Awe, MANN!

 

let it go

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

A 50 year old man found dead in a local park has been named by police.

 

Bloody shame it took 50 years for someone to name him!

[Cannonfodder]

10 hours ago, Tactical Pith Helmet said:

A 50 year old man found dead in a local park has been named by police.

 

Bloody shame it took 50 years for someone to name him!

By police is a very strange name

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

When my 96 year old granddad was put into a home, it was good to see he still had his flirting game on at least.

 

He approached this old lady and said, 'I'd love to get into your pants.'

 

'Really?' she beamed back at him.

 

'Yes,' he said, 'because I just shat in mine.'

[Cannonfodder]

How do welshmen find sheep in long grass?

 

Irresistible 

[Shamal]

. A man goes to his doctor complaining of constipation. The doctor says ” take this suppositorie and call me tomorrow. “ The man calls the doctor the next day, complaining that it didn't help. The man says “ I took it with a glass of water, and nothing happened.” The doctor says “ That's not how you were supposed to take it.” Obviously upset, the man says “ What did you expect me to do? Shove it up my ass!

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

'Hell is other pirates.'

 

Long Jean Sartre

 

 

Edited May 3, 2024 by Tactical Pith Helmet

[Shamal]

53 minutes ago, Tactical Pith Helmet said:

'Hell is other pirates.'

 

Long Jean Satre

 

 

Very highbrow.lol but it's Sartre ?

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

6 hours ago, Shamal said:

Very highbrow.lol but it's Sartre ?

Thanks!  Typo edited.  Temptation to go on about great The Roads to Freedom trilogy is resisted.  

[Shamal]

4 engineers get into a car . The car wont start.

 

mechanical engineer says :

its a broken starter

 

Electrical engineer says :

dead battery

 

chemical engineer says :

impurities in the gasoline

 

IT engineer says :

hey guys i have an idea, how about we all get out of the car, and then get in again.

Edited May 5, 2024 by Shamal
Spelin

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

“Schools serve the same social functions as prisons and mental institutions- to define, classify, control, and regulate people.”

Michel Foucault

 

"I don't care, you're going anyway."

 

Foucault's Mum

[Shamal]

God saw that Adam was lonely and He said to him, “Do not be downcast. My work is not yet finished. I shall make for you a companion, and she shall have the gentle voice of an angel, the beauty of a summer sunrise, a kind heart that is sensitive to your every need before you even know you have it, and a glorious body that will be a delight to hold; and I shall call this Woman.”

“That sounds wonderful!” breathes Adam.

“Yes,” says God, “but it’s going to cost you an arm, a leg, an eye, an ear, and your right testicle.”

Adam digests this in silence and says, “Hypothetically, Lord… what could I get for just a rib?”

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I struggled with the laundry basket until I finally dropped it.  Newly laundered clothes went everywhere. My wife did nothing to help. 

 

She just watched it all unfold.