Cannonfodder Posted April 16, 2023 Share Posted April 16, 2023 A man finishes work on Friday then goes to the pub with his mates and doesn't come home till Sunday evening. Naturally his wife isn't happy and asks how he would like it if he didn't see her for 3 days. "Fine by me" he replies Monday he didn't see her, Tuesday he didn't see her then Wednesday evening the swelling round his eyes went down Tactical Pith Helmet, Shamal, Tackle and 1 other 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted April 17, 2023 Share Posted April 17, 2023 Much as I love my wife, I never know where I am with her. Lovely woman, terrible map reader. Tackle, Shamal and rj1986 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cannonfodder Posted April 19, 2023 Share Posted April 19, 2023 I'm currently in A&E. I won't bore you with the details, but the "Dyson ball cleaner" is a dangerously misleading product name rj1986, Tactical Pith Helmet, Shamal and 1 other 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted April 19, 2023 Share Posted April 19, 2023 I've just had a prostate examination. Got the thumbs up from the doctor. Tackle, Shamal and Cannonfodder 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted April 19, 2023 Author Share Posted April 19, 2023 (edited) 12 minutes ago, Tactical Pith Helmet said: I've just had a prostate examination. Got the thumbs up from the doctor. Haha. So did I recently. Just how anyone finds it pleasurable I do not feckin know! 😵💫 Had a job interview this morning and they asked me if can perform under pressure. I said no, but i managed to pull off a cracking rendition of bohemian rhapsody though. Edited April 19, 2023 by Shamal Punk Tactical Pith Helmet 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted April 22, 2023 Share Posted April 22, 2023 It's incredible how many French words are now used in the English language. There's 'Hors D'oeuvres' for starters. Shamal 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted April 22, 2023 Author Share Posted April 22, 2023 Well talking about French things.... I phoned the French Animal Rescue people for no particular reason... I just wanted a chat RostokMcSpoons, Tactical Pith Helmet and Tackle 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Tackle Posted April 23, 2023 Moderators Share Posted April 23, 2023 On 19/04/2023 at 19:34, Tactical Pith Helmet said: I've just had a prostate examination. Got the thumbs up from the doctor. That's a sore subject....... Literally 😵 Tactical Pith Helmet and Shamal 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted April 23, 2023 Author Share Posted April 23, 2023 So last night the wife suddenly shouts out "and you never listen to me" I thought,'that's a strange way to start a conversation' 🤔 Tactical Pith Helmet, Cannonfodder and Tackle 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted April 24, 2023 Author Share Posted April 24, 2023 At the superhero gathering Superman is looking glum. His buddy, Batman asks him what’s up. Superman: I really screwed up today, what a disaster! Batman: What happened? Superman:well I was zooming in over Metropolis when my supervision spotted Wonderwoman, buck naked lying on her roof patio, legs splayed & arms up invitingly! Batman; Holy Moley! lucky you Superman;Well I shot down , decelerating to the required length at the last minute, if you know what I mean. Batman: WOW! She must have got a big surprise! Superman; Not half as big a surprise as the bloody INVISIBLE MAN got! Cannonfodder and Jedi_Master 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted April 26, 2023 Author Share Posted April 26, 2023 It turns out that 60's rocker Steppenwolf was an assumed name. He was born Toby Wild. Jedi_Master, Cannonfodder and Tactical Pith Helmet 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted April 27, 2023 Share Posted April 27, 2023 Played a group of lads from the local quarry at football today. We beat them on aggregate. RostokMcSpoons and Shamal 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cannonfodder Posted April 29, 2023 Share Posted April 29, 2023 A recent study has revealed the most common sexual position for married couples is doggy style He'll sit up and beg while she'll roll over and play dead Shamal and Tactical Pith Helmet 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SBoardley Posted April 29, 2023 Share Posted April 29, 2023 2 hours ago, Cannonfodder said: A recent study has revealed the most common sexual position for married couples is doggy style He'll sit up and beg while she'll roll over and play dead 2nd Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted May 1, 2023 Author Share Posted May 1, 2023 I'm making a lemon meringue pie for Mrs shamal. The recipe says to separate two eggs. I've put one in the shed and the other out by the front gate. Do you think that's enough? Oh and how long should they stay apart? 🤔 Tactical Pith Helmet 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted May 2, 2023 Share Posted May 2, 2023 Broken quiz machine for sale. No questions asked... Shamal 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted May 2, 2023 Author Share Posted May 2, 2023 I saw a man going up a hill with a trolley full of horse shoes, 4 leaf clovers and rabbits feet. I thought, "wow, he's pushing his luck" Tactical Pith Helmet and rogerM 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted May 4, 2023 Share Posted May 4, 2023 Damn hard to concentrate on writing a text message when these cyclists keep bouncing off the windscreen... Shamal, Cannonfodder and Skullchewer 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted May 4, 2023 Author Share Posted May 4, 2023 I've found that nowadays most people don't like holding hands in public. Especially if you don't know them. Tactical Pith Helmet 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted May 5, 2023 Share Posted May 5, 2023 I used to see a girl called Barb Dwyer. We never really got that close. Shamal 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted May 6, 2023 Share Posted May 6, 2023 Told a joke on Zoom and noone laughed. It wasn't remotely funny. EDcase and Shamal 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted May 6, 2023 Author Share Posted May 6, 2023 Local cartoonist has been burgled Details are sketchy... Police have not been able to draw any conclusions. EDcase and Tactical Pith Helmet 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Enid_Puceflange Posted May 7, 2023 Share Posted May 7, 2023 What’s the difference between a Chick Pea and a Lentil? I wouldn’t pay £50 for a Lentil on my chest!! 🥴 Shamal, Cannonfodder and Tactical Pith Helmet 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted May 7, 2023 Author Share Posted May 7, 2023 An elaborate ceremony like the coronation of Charles and Camilla takes months of careful planning - it's not just throne together. Tactical Pith Helmet 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted May 8, 2023 Share Posted May 8, 2023 There's a monkey who works in our local chip shop. Apparently he's a frymate. Shamal 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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