Tell Us a Gag. Please!

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Did you know that everyone who conflates causation with correlation dies in the end?  

[Shamal]

I know what the words mean but can't form them into that punchline ☹️

[Shamal]

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile, and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.

"Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, and then kill it," shouted the murderer.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again, and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.

There was silence, and then the masochist said: "Meow

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

This salad shortage could be the tip of the iceberg!

[Shamal]

Cleanliness is next to godliness.

That's the last time I buy a dictionary from Poundland.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Mate of mine thinks that he's a chocolate orange. 

 

We're going to have him sectioned...

 

 

 

[Shamal]

One question that I have never been able to answer is how did that Penguin manage to write all those books.?

[Cannonfodder]

13 hours ago, Shamal said:

One question that I have never been able to answer is how did that Penguin manage to write all those books.?

While also having time to make all those chocolate bars

[Krisz]

How do you know if someone served in the army?

 

He's gonna tell you.

 

(Based on true story from last Sunday.)

Edited March 1, 2023 by Krisz

[Cannonfodder]

Approximately 30 members of the SAS were involved in the Iranian Embassy siege. So far I've met 1500 of them in pubs

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I wallowed in a bath full of creosote today.  

 

Just though I'd treat myself.  

Edited March 3, 2023 by Tactical Pith Helmet

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

My wife told me she’ll slam my head into the keyboard if I don’t get off the computer.
I’m not too worried.

 

I think she’s jokindkdkslalkdlkfjslfjslksdlkfjuahehwhgwdklaljdffakvjadfvjlasdjsdlsdlvdsldshvsdhovhdsoifjsdlkn cxlkvn;oi

On 01/03/2023 at 18:31, Cannonfodder said:

Approximately 30 members of the SAS were involved in the Iranian Embassy siege. So far I've met 1500 of them in pubs

I was in the SAS, but I can't tell you about it.*

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*Suffolk Agricultural Services.

[Shamal]

My wife.asked if she could have some peace and quiet while she cooked dinner.......

 

So I took the battery out of the smoke alarm!

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

My wife accused me of achieving nothing so I told her, 'Well I won the Leslie Nielson award at school.'

 

'What's that?', she said.

 

'It's a big building with kids in it.'

[Shamal]

. Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? 

 

Swarm..

 

I've lost my wifes audiobook.

Now I'm never gonna hear the end of it!

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Before the invention of the crowbar, crows had to drink at home.

[Cannonfodder]

On 05/03/2023 at 01:24, Tactical Pith Helmet said:

My wife accused me of achieving nothing so I told her, 'Well I won the Leslie Nielson award at school.'

 

'What's that?', she said.

 

'It's a big building with kids in it.'

Surely you can't be serious  

[Shamal]

A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy. “What are you drinking?” he asks the guy.

“Magic beer,” he says.

“Oh, yeah? What’s so magical about it?”

Then he shows him: He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, flies around the building, then finally returns to his seat with a triumphant smile.

“Amazing!” the man says. “Lemme try some of that!” The man grabs the beer. He downs it, leaps off the roof —and plummets 15 stories to the ground.

The bartender shakes his head. “You know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I'm throwing in the towel at running my chicken dating site business.

 

I simply can't make hens meet.   

Edited March 10, 2023 by Tactical Pith Helmet

[Shamal]

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when she asked her husband to stop the car.

There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it."

"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"

He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.”

"But what about the smell?"

"Just hold its nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I'll take any acting role, but I hate innuendo in a script.  If I see any I whip it out straight away.

[Cannonfodder]

They say laughter is the best medicine.

 

Not sure that's true for erectile dysfunction

[Shamal]

I was walking past a pet shop, the sign on the shop front said:-
"Pedigree Netherlands dogs for sale".

I didn’t believe they were from the Netherlands so I went into the shop and asked the assistant...

"How Dutch is that doggie in the window?"

 

 

[Shamal]

I often wonder if there is anybody in the record book, with a world record for holding a pint of Guinness the longest. And if so, who is the Guinness Guinness Holder World Record Holder ?

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Two Englishmen arrive at llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch and go for a bite to eat.

 

As they eat, they ask the waitress how to pronounce where they are.

 

'Buuurrrggggerrrr Kiiinnngg,' she says slowly.