Tell Us a Gag. Please!

[Shamal]

People are far too judgemental these days!

I can tell by just looking at them..

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

My attempts to combine nitrous oxide and Oxo cubes made me a laughing stock.

[Shamal]

44 minutes ago, Tactical Pith Helmet said:

My attempts to combine nitrous oxide and Oxo cubes made me a laughing stock.

Like it!

[Shamal]

I put a bet on yesterday, a treble, which the manager of the betting shop tipped me.
Sunshine 10-1
Good Times 7-2
Moonlight 9-4
I put £50 on, and they all lost.
But I can't blame it on Sunshine, can't blame it on Moonlight, can't blame it on Good Times, I blame it on the Bookie

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

My new girlfriend saw me stacking washing powder on the shelves at the supermarket.

 

"You told me you were a stunt pilot "she said.

 

"I told you I was a member of the Aerial display team" I replied.

[Shamal]

Having made a ouija board entirely out of probiotic yoghurt pots, a friend asked me if I was dabbling in the Yakult.?

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

My wife said she thought it would be very romantic if when she dies she could be buried in her wedding dress.

 

I said, 'You'd better hope you die of some kind of wasting disease.'

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

It's embarrassing when you have visitors and your dog wants to bury its nose in their groin.

 

I mean my dogs a chihuahua, so I have to lift him up so he can reach.   

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I always wanted to be a Gregorian monk, but I never got the chants.     

[Shamal]

STAY AWAY FROM WEYMOUTH

I witnessed some terrible behaviour by the seafront from a couple arguing in front of a load of kids.  It started off as an argument but soon escalated to violence. The police attended the situation, the lead police officer tried to placate the couple but had no choice but to use his baton on the bloke, but the bloke managed to snatch the baton and started hitting the police officer and the woman with it. Then a crocodile turned up and stole all the sausages.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Went to a pole dancing club tonight.  

 

Bit rubbish really.  Every dance was a polka.

[Madhouse]

One from the boy today:

 

How do you get Pikachu on a bus …

.

.

.

.

.

.

… Poke-him-on 

[Shamal]

I went back to Sainsbury’s, asking for a refund on a Winebox I bought.
It says 'Once opened will last for 6 weeks’
It was empty after 2 days?‍?

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

5 hours ago, Shamal said:

I went back to Sainsbury’s, asking for a refund on a Winebox I bought.
It says 'Once opened will last for 6 weeks’
It was empty after 2 days?‍?

Glad to hear you're cutting back on the booze a touch!

 

Does anyone know the amount of calories burnt whilst swimming in debt?  

Edited February 14, 2023 by Tactical Pith Helmet

[Shamal]

20 hours ago, Tactical Pith Helmet said:

Glad to hear you're cutting back on the booze a touch!

 

Does anyone know the amount of calories burnt whilst swimming in debt?  

I don't know about calories but I'm having trouble keeping my head above water! 

 

I went to a pub in Yorkshire and brought home some of their souvenirs.
I bought a beermat, a glass, a box of matches and serviettes.
A lot of Ilkley Moor Bar tat.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I'm in the hospital after being diagnosed with bad camouflage disease.

 

 

They've just moved me to ICU.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Watched that Iranian remake of Rocky tonight.  Good film, but the theme songs stuck in my head.

 

I can't stop humming Ayatollah of the Tiger.   

[Shamal]

I've just renamed my WiFi network to "police surveillance van #1”
That should keep the neighbours on their toes for a while! 

[Shamal]

I was at the beach and saw a man out past the breakers flapping his arms about and yelling "HELP! SHARK! HELP!"  And I chuckled to myself, "There's no way that shark is gonna help him!"

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I spent the weekend learning to meditate.

 

It beats sitting there doing nothing. 

[Shamal]

3 minutes ago, Tactical Pith Helmet said:

I spent the weekend learning to meditate.

 

It beats sitting there doing nothing. 

Nice.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Just read an incredible 13th Century account of a feudal uprising where a duke’s son was killed by rebels who used a trebuchet to knock him off the battlements with the only available ordnance: a peasant’s decapitated head.

 

Apparently it was the first serf-face-to-heir missile.

[Tackle]

26 minutes ago, Tactical Pith Helmet said:

Just read an incredible 13th Century account of a feudal uprising where a duke’s son was killed by rebels who used a trebuchet to knock him off the battlements with the only available ordnance: a peasant’s decapitated head.

 

Apparently it was the first serf-face-to-heir missile.

 

[Shamal]

7 hours ago, Tackle said:

 

Haha. No to be fair it was well contrived?

[Shamal]

I've just checked my home insurance policy, and apparently if my duvet is stolen in the middle of the night, l'm
not covered.☹️