Tell Us a Gag. Please!

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

My wife's been invited to a reggae night.

 

'Will you help with my hair?' She asked.

 

TBH I'm dreading it.  

[Shamal]

Well my wife was getting ready for a party and asked me "does my bum look big in this"

I replied "yes, but to be fair, it is a small bathroom" 

?‍?

[BigBell1987]

Man walks into a pet shop and approaches the clerk.

"I wanna buy a wasp"

 

Clerk responds

"We don't sell wasps"

 

Man replies

"But you have one in the window"

[Shamal]

I have just been watching a Christmas Carol with Patrick Stewart.

…. But I’ve got no idea how he got into my house ?

[Shamal]

Present. I bought my friend a present of an elephant for his room.  He thanked me for the gift, but I told him “not to mention it”.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Just played football with the little lad next door.

 

My neighbour screamed at me to buy a proper ball.  

[Shamal]

If you boil a funny bone for two hours you will get a laughing stock.

[Shamal]

100 years ago nearly everyone had a horse and cars were for the rich.

 

Today nearly everyone has a car and horses are for the rich.

 

My how the stables have turned. ?

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I'm absolutely knackered from my French self-defence class last night.

 

I've never run so fast in all my life.

[Cannonfodder]

Just wait till you get to level 2, collaborate 

[Shamal]

Somebody rang me earlier, sneezed a couple of times then hung up.
These cold calls are really annoying.

[Shamal]

Went swimming the other day and had a cheeky pee near the deep end. The lifeguard blew his whistle so loud I nearly fell in!!

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Aunt Doris didn’t have sex at all, not a thing until she was 67.

 

And that was cos she'd no small change for the window cleaner.

[AirSniper]

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Stayed up all last night trying to remember if I had insomnia or amnesia.

[Shamal]

I went to my Doctor and asked for help because I’m getting married soon and I can’t get over my fear of wedding vows, I was hoping he would know of a cure.

He replied with “I can’t say I do”

And I thought “oh no, not him as well!”

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Two flies are playing football in a saucer.

 

One says to the other: “Make an effort, we’re playing in the cup tomorrow."

[Shamal]

9 hours ago, Tactical Pith Helmet said:

Two flies are playing football in a saucer.

 

One says to the other: “Make an effort, we’re playing in the cup tomorrow."

Omg! Barrel,scraping,bottom. ???

[Cannonfodder]

A blonde wslks into an electronics shop and says to the salesman "I want to buy this tv". The salesman replies "I'm sorry but we dont serve blondes". Upset she leaves and comes back the next day with her hair dyed brown, but once again the salesman sends her away saying they don't serve blondes. The third day she comes back with her hair dyed black. Again the salesman tells her that they don't serve blondes. Confused she asks how the salesman knew that she was blonde to which he replies "because that tv is a microwave" 

[Shamal]

Two ants on top of a cornflakes box.

One is running like the clappers around the top.the first ant stops him and says "what the hell are you doing" the other ant replies" well it says tear around dotted line"

 

From the same era as the flies in a saucer.????

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I wish that fat people had an easier time of it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I mean, they've got a lot on their plates.

[RostokMcSpoons]

55 minutes ago, Tactical Pith Helmet said:

I mean, they've got a lot on their plates.

 

 

... not for long! 

[Shamal]

20 hours ago, Tactical Pith Helmet said:

I wish that fat people had an easier time of it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I mean, they've got a lot on their plates.

Had me scratching my head all day.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Didn't realise there was more. ?

[Shamal]

Stopped off at the pub on way home tonight for a quick pint of peroni.

 

The barman put it on counter and I took a big swig and said "I shouldn't really be drinking this with what I've got"

Barman said "I'm sorry to hear that,what have you got?"

"£0.80 pence" I replied.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Your call is important to us...

 

But not important enough for us to employ a sufficient number of staff to answer it.