Tell Us a Gag. Please!

[Cannonfodder]

You know when you run out of toilet paper and have to do that pants down waddle to get another? 

 

Well I'm nearly at tesco 

[Shamal]

This just in..

Rare Picasso sells for £106 million.

 

 

 

Who on earth would pay that much for a Citroën?

 

?

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Sad news from the Nestle factory today.  A worker was crushed at the warehouse.  His cries for help were ignored.

 

Each time he shouted, 'The Milky Bars are on me,' everyone just cheered. 

[Shamal]

Watch out

Polce have toay ssue a warnng to be on the lookout for i.d thefts

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

One has to be careful these days.  You can have monkeypox and not know that you are a carrier.  

 

You may be achimptomatic.  

[Shamal]

15 hours ago, Shamal said:

Watch out

Polce have toay ssue a warnng to be on the lookout for i.d thefts

The I's and D's are missing 

[Shamal]

Ok try this one.

I went to a fancy dress party and the host said, "what have you come as", I said "a Harp", he said "you're too small to be a Harp", so I said "are you calling me a Lyre"?

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

16 hours ago, Shamal said:

The I's and D's are missing 

I thought you'd got pissed and mashed the keyboard lol.  ?  Turns out my brain had quit for the evening...

 

Anyhow...

 

My doctor told me to take up an activity that gets me out of the pub.

 

So I've started smoking.

[Shamal]

I just got some anti gloating cream from the doctor...

 

I can't wait to rub it in 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Two years of Covid and some chap called Depp gets Heard immunity at last.

[Shamal]

11 minutes ago, Tactical Pith Helmet said:

Two years of Covid and some chap called Depp gets Heard immunity at last.

Nice

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

The tools were late being delivered onsite today.  It took the boss three hours to get them to us!

 

For three hours we had to lean on each other instead!

[Shamal]

My favourite teacher back in school was Mrs Turtle.

Funny name, but she tortoise well.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

 

In medieval times, people used to attach a lamp to a horse when riding at night.

 

This is the earliest known form of saddle light navigation.

[Shamal]

9 hours ago, Tactical Pith Helmet said:

 

In medieval times, people used to attach a lamp to a horse when riding at night.

 

This is the earliest known form of saddle light navigation.

?

[Shamal]

Someone told me that if you hold up a Shell, you can hear the sea.
I didn’t, instead I got 5 years for armed robbery.

 

 

 

P.s not really though ?

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

A woman purchases a parrot for only £5.

 

“Well, I must confess, it was brought up in a brothel,” says the shopkeeper. “And, to put it politely, it has quite an extensive vocabulary.”

 

“Never mind,” says the woman. “At that price, I’ll take it.”

 

So she takes the parrot home, puts its cage in the living room and takes the cover off.

 

“New place – very nice,” says the parrot.

 

Then the woman’s two daughters walk in.

 

“New place, new girls – very nice,” says the parrot.

 

Then the woman’s husband walks in, and the parrot says, “Oh hello, Keith!”

[Shamal]

Hippo advice. It is a known fact that hippos can run faster than humans on land and that in water they can swim faster than humans too. Which means the bicycle is your only chance of beating a hippo in a triathlon.??

[Shamal]

I bought a 12 year old whisky today...

 

 

...His parents weren't very happy!

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

According to this book I read, the Mongol Empire was established one steppe at a time!

 

 

 

  

 

[Cannonfodder]

A Boeing 777 was on its way across the Atlantic when all of a sudden a USAF F35 pulled up along side. 

"Boring flight huh?" the fighter pilot said over the radio. "Watch this". 

The fighter then accelerated away, breaking the sound barrier before performing loops and rolls, then returning alongside the passenger jet. "What do you think of that?" the fighter pilot called over the radio. 

"Not bad, watch this" comes the reply from the 777

A few minutes go by and the big jet continues to fly dead straight and level. Finally the radio crackles to life "Well, what do you think?" 

"About what? You didn't do anything" asks the confused fighter pilot. 

 "Yes I did" comes the reply "I got up, went for a piss, made a coffee and arranged a date with a stewardess in a 5* hotel, that's paid for by the airline" 

Edited June 7, 2022 by Cannonfodder

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I pulled a nose hair out today, to see if it hurts as much as people say it does.

 

Judging by the way the man beside me on the bus reacted, it really does.  

[Shamal]

If agoraphobia is real, why have I never met anyone who has it ?

[Shamal]

I’ve decided to start searching for my birth mother.

 

I realise that I run the risk of never actually finding her, but that’s the risk I took when I drove her to Ikea.

[Druid799]

Man walking down the street sees another man walking towards him with a ladder under his arm . 
he stops the man and says “excuse me is that your own long ladder ?” And the 2nd man says “yes it’s my long ladder , why do you ask ?” 
and the 1st man replies with a sad look on his face “when I was a child I didn’t have a long ladder of my own , I only had a step-ladder”