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Tell Us a Gag. Please!


Shamal
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53 minutes ago, Tactical Pith Helmet said:

My wife asked why I keep drying grapes all over the house. 

 

I told her that I have my raisins.  

 

 

🤦

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9 hours ago, _K4MF_ said:

What do you call a dog with no legs?

 

Doesn't matter what you call him, he's not coming.

 

Good one...it never gets old. 😉😂

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40 minutes ago, Shamal said:

Propaganda. 
Is that a good look for Londoners?

 

download (4).jpeg

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See also:

 

Jargon: a man from Norfolk running down the road in a tracksuit.

 

3 hours ago, Shamal said:

Propaganda. 
Is that a good look for Londoners?

 

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Cooking advice. Can anyone help me, I put vegetables in my multi cooker and selected the cake option.  When it was done, they were still vegetables.  So what am I doing wrong?

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28 minutes ago, Tactical Pith Helmet said:

A man has thrown milk over Greta Thunberg. 

 

How dairy!?

 

Another man threw sodium chloride on her.

 

That's assault!

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I went for a run yesterday.I didn't intend to but the fucking ice cream van wouldn't stop!

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1 hour ago, EDcase said:

Was it in front or behind you? 🤣

That actually works quite well 😄

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I talk to my plants and they grow better.  I talk to my cows and they produce more milk.

 

It's in one ear and out the udder!

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Does anyone know how long it takes to fix a hearing aid? 

 

I dropped mine off two weeks ago and I've heard nothing since!

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I saw a man going up a hill with a trolley full of horseshoes, four-leaf clovers and rabbits' feet.

 

He was pushing his luck!

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Went to the Doctors today for an examination.  'Relax and try not to become aroused Dave,' said the Dr.

 

Surprised as hell I answered, 'My name's not Dave.'

 

'I know,' said the Doc, 'I'm Dave.'

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Went to my bosses funeral today.

 

I knelt by the coffin and whispered, 'Who's thinking outside the box now then, Dave?'

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I've lost a bit of weight recently by wearing bread on top of my head.

 

It's a loaf hat diet....

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Hotpoint have decided to stop selling fridges and concentrate on freezers instead. 

They announced the news at a recent ‘staycolder’ event.

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I decided to make sure Mrs Shamal woke up with a big smile on her face this morning.

 

 

I'm not allowed to have marker pens in the house anymore.

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