Tell Us a Gag. Please!

[Shamal]

A GIRLS FIRST TIME

 

As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.

He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.

He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before. His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an ease of entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible.

As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on.

He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you. After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

 

 

You filthy minded feckers ?

[Cannonfodder]

By the time a Navy pilot pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Marine pilot," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." 

"No problem," the tired Navy pilot assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning the Navy Pilot came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Navy pilot. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. 

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room, I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' ...and he sat up all night watching me."

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Just seen the footage of Rotherham in the news; burnt-out cars, broken windows, rubbish and grafiti everywhere, fence posts ripped out and strewn about the place...

 

 

And now the riots!!

[Cannonfodder]

7 hours ago, Tactical Pith Helmet said:

Just seen the footage of Rotherham in the news; burnt-out cars, broken windows, rubbish and grafiti everywhere, fence posts ripped out and strewn about the place...

 

 

And now the riots!!

Early reports suggest the rioters did thousands of pounds of improvements 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

On 06/08/2024 at 09:05, Cannonfodder said:

Early reports suggest the rioters did thousands of pounds of improvements 

They rioted in Great Yarmouth tonight and looted Shoezone.

 

Everything but the work boots were stolen. 

[Shamal]

So I got home early today and caught the wife in bed with my best friend.

I went mad and called her some bad names and told her to pack her bags and go and live with her mother and that I wanted a divorce

 

My best friend didn't get off lightly either.

I told him "Bad dog Rover,bad dog!"and made him sleep in the garden.

Edited August 8, 2024 by Shamal

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Rang the doctors today.   Said I'd had the shits for six weeks. 

 

She said not to worry,  they go back to school tomorrow. 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Gave my dog an old sneaker to chew on.

 

I tell people that he's got his own personal trainer. 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

'I've become addicted to buying old Beatles records.'

 

'You need Help.'

 

'No, I already have that one.'

 

 

Edited August 21, 2024 by Tactical Pith Helmet

[Cannonfodder]

The instructions on my new deodorant says remove cap and push up bottom

 

I'm not sure how taking my hat off will help but here goes nothing 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Won my first ever cage fight tonight. ?

 

Fucking hamster didn't know what had hit it!

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Kids today know absolutely fuck all.

 

They don't even know who Neil Armstrong is, never mind what type of trumpet he played!

[Jedi_Master]

Today I watched an old man feeding the birds in the park.  He was dead.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

My wife treats me like a god.

 

She takes no notice of my existence until she actually wants something...

[Cannonfodder]

FINALLY got to see my doctor yesterday, I showed him this painful rash I am plagued with on my balls. Couldn't believe it when he just refused to help, but continued to push his trolley around Morrisons .

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I'm one of the lucky ones who didn't get an Oasis ticket.

[DaktariT]

What's the difference between Ironman and Ironwoman?

 

One is a super hero and the other is a command.

Edited September 7, 2024 by DaktariT

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Just seen the headlines in the local paper:

 

"Graveyard targeted in the night - assailants leave cheese toasties everywhere!"

 

Police say it's likely the work of Breville worshippers...

[Madhouse]

A man's lived with his wife for 25 years and all that time he's told her never to look in the safe, but one day the wife gets curious and while he's at the pub has a look. In there she finds £40,000 in cash and three eggs.

 

Upon his return from the pub she asks him about it and he eventually agrees to tell her.

 

"Every time I've slept with another woman I take an egg from the chickens and put it in the safe"

 

Well three affairs in 25 years could be worse she says .... but what about the money?

 

"every time I get a dozen eggs I sell them"

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

'Always the bridesmaid, never the bride.'

 

A handy rule of thumb when trying to pull at weddings.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Fifty quid from the first three birthday cards today!

 

I love being a postman...

[DaktariT]

Two lawyers walk into a pub. They order a couple of drinks and take their sandwiches out of their briefcases and then they begin to eat them.

 

Seeing this, the angry publican exclaims, “Excuse me, but you can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!”

 

The two lawyers look at each other, shrug their shoulders, and then exchange sandwiches.

[Cannonfodder]

While at the gym yesterday I found a hole in my trainer big enough to put my finger in.

 

To cut a long story short, she complained and now I'm banned for life

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I for one.  Love Roman numerals...

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

My attempts to develop an artificial testicle have been shambolic.