Tell Us a Gag. Please!

[Shamal]

Mickey Mouse is having a nasty divorce with Minnie Mouse.

Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation.

"I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane..."

Mickey replied,

"I didn't say she was mentally insane,

I said that she's fucking goofy!"

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Decided, for the first time, to try the January sales and it's doing my head in!

 

Went to Boots, they don't sell boots..

Went to Currys, they don't sell curry..

Went to Selfridges, they don't sell fridges..

 

As for Virgin Megastore, what a let down that was!

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Binfluencer (noun): Person who puts the right bin out on the right day, letting everyone else on the street know which bin to take out.

 

Particularly useful over Christmas and New Year when no one knows what day it is.

[Shamal]

5 hours ago, Tactical Pith Helmet said:

Binfluencer (noun): Person who puts the right bin out on the right day, letting everyone else on the street know which bin to take out.

 

Particularly useful over Christmas and New Year when no one knows what day it is.

That's very true.

 

[gavinkempsell]

There's one in every street... in my street it's me. ?

[Shamal]

20 hours ago, gavinkempsell said:

There's one in every street... in my street it's me. ?

Hey don't forget about the scotch pies.

I'm getting real hungry now! ?

When you see something dangerous on tv, they often say don't try this at home, so  I thought I should warn you that I'm coming over to your house to try it.

[gavinkempsell]

3 hours ago, Shamal said:

Hey don't forget about the scotch pies.

I'm getting real hungry now! ?

When you see something dangerous on tv, they often say don't try this at home, so  I thought I should warn you that I'm coming over to your house to try it.

Not forgetting, made my first batch of 2024 yesterday... the bridies are better IMO tho.

[Shamal]

3 minutes ago, gavinkempsell said:

Not forgetting, made my first batch of 2024 yesterday... the bridies are better IMO tho.

Who? What? Bridies?

[gavinkempsell]

1 minute ago, Shamal said:

Who? What? Bridies?

Hmmm, a sassenach might call them pasties.

[Shamal]

Yeah not really interested we have enough pansies down south. Oops just re read... pasties. Sorry lol

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

My wife just asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl.

 

I didn't even know it played cricket! 

[Shamal]

We had a bit of a sad Xmas.

Our pet mouse Elvis died...yeah he was caught in a trap. 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Most people have heard of Karl Marx, but fewer know of his sister, the pioneering runner Onya. 

 

Tribute is still paid to her, and she is mentioned before each race!

[Zarrin]

An old Finnish joke about the Winter War:
 

A large group of Russian soldiers in the border area in 1939 are moving down a road, when they hear a voice call from behind a small hill: "One Finnish soldier is better than ten Russians". The Russian commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the hill where a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice once again calls out: "One Finn is better than one hundred Russians." Furious, the Russian commander sends his next best 100 troops over the hill and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence. The calm Finnish voice calls out again: "One Finn is better than one thousand Russians!" The enraged Russian commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the hill. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought... Then silence. Eventually one badly wounded Russian fighter crawls back over the hill and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men... it's a trap. There are two of them!"

[Shamal]

Sound of Music on again. Don't know how many times I've watched it. Must be 16 going on 17.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Leather is rated based on its texture. Cows with abundant water sources typically have softer hides, rated 'A'.

 

Hides from cows living in hot, dry climates are typically D-hide rated.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

On 08/01/2024 at 01:39, Zarrin said:

An old Finnish joke about the Winter War:
 

A large group of Russian soldiers in the border area in 1939 are moving down a road, when they hear a voice call from behind a small hill: "One Finnish soldier is better than ten Russians". The Russian commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the hill where a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice once again calls out: "One Finn is better than one hundred Russians." Furious, the Russian commander sends his next best 100 troops over the hill and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence. The calm Finnish voice calls out again: "One Finn is better than one thousand Russians!" The enraged Russian commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the hill. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought... Then silence. Eventually one badly wounded Russian fighter crawls back over the hill and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men... it's a trap. There are two of them!"

  'Ha hahahahahhahahah!'

[Shamal]

I've started a new exercise routine today.

Every day I do diddly-squats.

[Cannonfodder]

I was going to take one of those viking river cruises advertised on the tv, then I learned you don't actually get to loot the towns and monasteries along the way

[Shamal]

Julius Caesar and Pompey the Great were rivals for the position of First Consul of Rome. They spoke before the Senate, putting forward their cases for election to the post, by recounting their deeds in the service of Rome.

“When the Gauls attacked Rome, I defended the city,” Pompey said, “and drove them out killing 100,000 Gauls.”

“I invaded Gaul,” Caesar said, “and I too slew 100,000 Gauls.”

So the Senate gave the position to Caesar because in Europe away Gauls count double.

[Tackle]

12 hours ago, Cannonfodder said:

I was going to take one of those viking river cruises advertised on the tv, then I learned you don't actually get to loot the towns and monasteries along the way

 

[Shamal]

Apparently next week it will be constant rane,hale,thundre,litnin and frizzing colde.

 

Really bad spell of weather.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

The hole punch was invented in 1886.

 

The International Boxing Commission banned the move in 1887.

[Shamal]

A South African man wakes up in a hospital in England, dazed and disoriented. The doctors barely saved his life, and asked him what happened.

He replied:

I'm not sure. I was in a pub, which is known as a popular place to meet and get to know locals when I saw 3 really large women at the bar talking to each other. I couldn't make out everything they said, so to be friendly, I asked them ‘Are you 3 ladies from Scotland?’ They replied ‘Wales, you feckin fool!’

So I asked again, ‘Are you 3 whales from Scotland?’

Honestly, that's the last thing I remember before waking up here

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I've got some flat batteries going cheap.

 

They're free of charge...