Tell Us a Gag. Please!

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Whenever I think of the 80s I think of boomboxes. 

 

But that's just a stereotype.   

[Shamal]

After a traumatic illness my doctor referred me to a peer support group.

I didn't realise it would involve standing in the sea holding up a jetty.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Relatives of Jack Sonni were approached today by an Egyptian undertaker offering the recently deceased Dire Straits guitarist a complimentary funeral - all for gratis.

 

He said you get your mummy for nothing, get your crypts for free.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

'You never take me out.'

 

'I don't date married women.'

 

'But I'm married to you.'

 

'I can't make an exception.'  

[Shamal]

A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breastfeed her baby.

The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us”.

Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here”.

A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out:

"Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago"

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

'Can I get a hamburger with cheese?'

 

'Sorry, we only accept cash or card.'

[Madhouse]

The seven dwarfs were in a Catholic church. They were sitting near the rear and as the priest was speaking, they whispered and giggled amongst themselves, causing quite a disturbance.

All of a sudden, Dopey stands up and says, “Father, are there any midget nuns in the church ?”

“No,” said the priest, “There are no midget nuns in the church.”

A little time passed and the dwarfs were again whispering and giggling amongst themselves causing quite a disturbance and noticeably angering the priest. Soon, Dopey stands up again and asks, “Father, are there any midget nuns in the city?”

“No, my son, there are no midget nuns in the city or in the church.” says the priest. Again the dwarfs resume their annoying giggling to the dismay of the priest.

Once again, Dopey stands up and asks “Father, are there any midget nuns in the state?”

“No, my son, there are no midget nuns in the state, in the city, and no midget nuns in the church.” exclaimed the priest, obviously upset.

The dwarfs continue their interference.

Dopey stands up and asks, “Father, are there any midget nuns in the country?”

The priest, totally angered, exclaims “No, my son, there are no midget nuns in the church, in the city, in the state, no midget nuns in the country, there are no midget nuns in the whole world!!! Now sit down!!!”

Soon afterwards, a chant can be heard from the rear of the church ...

“Dopey fucked a penguin. Dopey fucked a penguin. Dopey fucked a penguin.”

[Shamal]

I thought it would be easy to balance a bottle of tippex on my head.

I stand corrected.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Cats are like stripers, they sit on your lap and pretend to love you.

[Cannonfodder]

A man is working in the fruit and veg department of his local supermarket when an old lady taps him on the shoulder and says "excuse me I can't find the broccoli, where is it?"

He replies "sorry madam we've sold out but there should be another delivery tomorrow" and she walks away. 

A few minutes later the same old lady taps him on the shoulder and asks again "where's the broccoli?". Again he tells her they've sold out but the should be a delivery tomorrow.

Another few minutes go by and once again she taps him on the shoulder and asks "where's the broccoli?" Getting annoyed he replies "can you spell cat, as in catastrophe?"

"C A T" she answers so then he asks her.

"Can you spell dog, as in dogmatic?"

"D O G" she replies.

"Now can you spell fuck, as in broccoli?" He asks.

Confused she says 

"But there's no fuck in broccoli" to which he replies

"That's what I've been telling you for the past 10 minutes"

[Madhouse]

What's the fear of giants called?

 

Feefifobia

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I don't know why there is such a fuss over aerated concrete in schools at the moment.

 

 

I remember being served it on a daily basis in the school canteen.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their arse with an iPad.

[Shamal]

PADDY'S LAST WILL -

Paddy was on his deathbed and knew the end was near.

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in Belfast.

He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.

When all is ready he begins to speak:

"My son Seamus, I want you to take the houses in Cultra."

"My daughter Geraldine, you take the apartments over in Malone Road."

"My son Patrick Junior, I want you to take the offices in the City centre."

"Bridget, my dear wife, please take all the residential properties on the Upper Lisburn Road ."

The nurse and witnesses are blown away. They did not realize the extent of Paddy's wealth. As he slips away, the nurse says to his wife, " Mrs O'Shaughnessy, my deepest condolences. Your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property"..

"Property?”, his wife replies. “The bastard  had a window cleaning round.

[Madhouse]

I think my wife has been pouring glue on my Airsoft kit.

 

She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.

[Cannonfodder]

What do dark humour and unvaccinated kids have in common?

 

 

They don't get old 

[Shamal]

BEWARE!!!! 

I caught a couple of guys stealing my gate last night. 

I didn't say anything to them in case they took a fence.

[Shamal]

[Shamal]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his:

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out. "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said. "Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked. “What’s your Business at this convention?"

“Lecturer." She responded. "I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

“Really?” He said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well.” She explained. “One popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. "I’m Sorry." She said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name."

"Tonto." The man said. "Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba." ..........

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

The new VW Passat can go from Berlin to Warsaw in just one tank.

 

Nothing to shout about really.  My Great Uncle Hans did the same thing about eighty years ago!

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Can anyone remember that joke that I told you about the chiropractor?

 

I told it about a weak back...

 

 

[Shamal]

Talking about alternative medicine.Im wondering if accupuncture is any good for pins and needles.🤔

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

A lorry load of Vics has crashed on the  M25.

 

Luckily it's not caused any congestion 

 

[Shamal]

 

There was a fierce battle between the Cowboys and Indians. The Indians captured one of the Cowboys and took him to their village. The Indian Chief greeted the Cowboy and told him, “You must die in three days, but you get one wish per day. What is your first wish?” The Cowboy said, “Can you bring my horse?” The Indians brought the Cowboy’s horse, and the Cowboy whispered into the horse’s ear. The horse ran off to town and came back with a beautiful blonde. The Cowboy took the blonde in a teepee and made love to her.

On the second day, the Chief told the Cowboy he must die in two days and asked what his second wish was. The Cowboy asked if they could bring his horse again. The Cowboy whispered in the horse’s ear again; the horse ran off to town and returned with a voluptuous redhead. The Cowboy took the redhead in a teepee and made love to her.

On the third day, the Chief told the Cowboy you must die today and asked him what his third wish was. The Cowboy requested his horse again. The Chief whispered under his breath, “Crazy White Man.” The Cowboy grabbed the horse by his ears, looked straight into the horse’s eyes, and said, “Read my fucking lips; I said bring Posse!”

[DanBow]

What do you do when a snake bites you?

 

Take anti-hissss-tamines.