Tell Us a Gag. Please!

[Cannonfodder]

A man finishes work on Friday then goes to the pub with his mates and doesn't come home till Sunday evening. Naturally his wife isn't happy and asks how he would like it if he didn't see her for 3 days.

"Fine by me" he replies

 

Monday he didn't see her, Tuesday he didn't see her then Wednesday evening the swelling round his eyes went down

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Much as I love my wife, I never know where I am with her.

 

Lovely woman, terrible map reader.  

[Cannonfodder]

I'm currently in A&E.

I won't bore you with the details, but the "Dyson ball cleaner" is a dangerously misleading product name

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I've just had a prostate examination. 

 

Got the thumbs up from the doctor.   

[Shamal]

12 minutes ago, Tactical Pith Helmet said:

I've just had a prostate examination. 

 

Got the thumbs up from the doctor.   

Haha. So did I recently. Just how anyone finds it pleasurable I do not feckin know! ?‍?

 

 

Had a job interview this morning and they asked me if can perform under pressure.
I said no, but i managed to pull off a cracking rendition of bohemian rhapsody though.

Edited April 19, 2023 by Shamal
Punk

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

It's incredible how many French words are now used in the English language.

 

There's 'Hors D'oeuvres' for starters.

[Shamal]

Well talking about French things....

 

I phoned the French Animal Rescue people for no particular reason...

 

I just wanted a chat

[Tackle]

On 19/04/2023 at 19:34, Tactical Pith Helmet said:

I've just had a prostate examination. 

 

Got the thumbs up from the doctor.   

That's a sore subject....... Literally ?

[Shamal]

So last night the wife suddenly shouts out "and you never listen to me"

 

I thought,'that's a strange way to start a conversation' ?

[Shamal]

At the superhero gathering Superman is looking glum. His buddy, Batman asks him what’s up.

Superman: I really screwed up today, what a disaster! Batman: What happened?

Superman:well I was zooming in over Metropolis when my supervision spotted Wonderwoman, buck naked lying on her roof patio, legs splayed & arms up invitingly!

Batman; Holy Moley! lucky you

Superman;Well I shot down , decelerating to the required length at the last minute, if you know what I mean. Batman: WOW! She must have got a big surprise!

Superman; Not half as big a surprise as the bloody INVISIBLE MAN got!

[Shamal]

It turns out that 60's rocker Steppenwolf was an assumed name.

He was born Toby Wild.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Played a group of lads from the local quarry at football today. 

 

We beat them on aggregate. 

[Cannonfodder]

A recent study has revealed the most common sexual position for married couples is doggy style 

 

He'll sit up and beg while she'll roll over and play dead

[SBoardley]

2 hours ago, Cannonfodder said:

A recent study has revealed the most common sexual position for married couples is doggy style 

 

He'll sit up and beg while she'll roll over and play dead

2nd

[Shamal]

I'm making a lemon meringue pie for Mrs shamal.

 

The recipe says to separate two eggs.

 

I've put one in the shed and the other out by the front gate. Do you think that's enough? Oh and how long should they stay apart? ?

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Broken quiz machine for sale.

 

No questions asked...

[Shamal]

I saw a man going up a hill with a trolley full of horse shoes, 4 leaf clovers and rabbits feet.
I thought, "wow, he's pushing his luck"

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Damn hard to concentrate on writing a text message when these cyclists keep bouncing off the windscreen...   

[Shamal]

I've found that nowadays most people don't like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don't know them.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I used to see a girl called Barb Dwyer.

 

We never really got that close.   

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Told a joke on Zoom and noone laughed.

 

It wasn't remotely funny.  

[Shamal]

Local cartoonist has been burgled 

Details are sketchy... 

Police have not been able to draw any conclusions.

 

[Enid_Puceflange]

What’s the difference between a Chick Pea and a Lentil?

 

I wouldn’t pay £50 for a Lentil on my chest!!

?

[Shamal]

An elaborate ceremony like the coronation of Charles and Camilla takes months of careful planning - it's not just throne  together.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

There's a monkey who works in our local chip shop. 

 

Apparently he's a frymate.