Tell Us a Gag. Please!

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Sad news that a young chef has been admitted to hospital after accidentally rubbing herbs into his eyes.

 

Poor chap is now only parsley sighted.  

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

The window cleaner is outside the house swearing his head off.

 

He's completely lost his rag.

[Shamal]

So the last time I visited Blackpool, I went on a donkey...

 

It took fecking ages!

In hindsight I should have driven .

[Tackle]

A man applies for a job at a gorilla
sanctuary . At the interview the sanctuary
owner says to him “ I will be needing
someone to help me cull the amount of
gorillas here your reference seems ok so
what else would you require to do the
job”..
The man replies “nothing much just a
shotgun I already have a dog with me oh
and I will need you to come along for a bit
of assistance “ .
“Ok I will see you first thing in the morning
“
Next morning the two men are out in the
sanctuary and the owner says “ right
today we need to get rid of some
silverbacks there’s one in that tree we can
start there what would you like me to do”
“If you hold the gun I will sort the rest “
With that the man walks over to the tree
and shakes it and the gorilla falls out.
Suddenly the dog bolts over and shags the
gorilla to death !
“Right onto the next one” says the rather
supprised but satisfied owner “that one in
the tree there . Is there anything I can do?”
says the owner
“Just hold the gun I will do the rest“
replies the man . Same again he walks to
the tree shakes it, gorilla falls out dog
shags gorilla to death . They get to the
end of the day and the owner says “Right
last one for today, that oversized
silverback has been a problem lately so
we will finish with him are you sure there
is’nt anything I can do?“
“Just hold the gun” the man replies.
The man walks over and shakes the tree
but nothing happens! He walks back to
the owner shaking his head , taking off his
coat and rolling his sleeves up.
“What are you going to do now?” asks the
owner
“Well he won’t come down so I’m going
have to go up and wrestle him out” replies
the man
“What do want me to do?” asks the owner
“If I fall out the tree shoot the dog!!

[Shamal]

1 hour ago, Tackle said:

A man applies for a job at a gorilla
sanctuary . At the interview the sanctuary
owner says to him “ I will be needing
someone to help me cull the amount of
gorillas here your reference seems ok so
what else would you require to do the
job”..
The man replies “nothing much just a
shotgun I already have a dog with me oh
and I will need you to come along for a bit
of assistance “ .
“Ok I will see you first thing in the morning
“
Next morning the two men are out in the
sanctuary and the owner says “ right
today we need to get rid of some
silverbacks there’s one in that tree we can
start there what would you like me to do”
“If you hold the gun I will sort the rest “
With that the man walks over to the tree
and shakes it and the gorilla falls out.
Suddenly the dog bolts over and shags the
gorilla to death !
“Right onto the next one” says the rather
supprised but satisfied owner “that one in
the tree there . Is there anything I can do?”
says the owner
“Just hold the gun I will do the rest“
replies the man . Same again he walks to
the tree shakes it, gorilla falls out dog
shags gorilla to death . They get to the
end of the day and the owner says “Right
last one for today, that oversized
silverback has been a problem lately so
we will finish with him are you sure there
is’nt anything I can do?“
“Just hold the gun” the man replies.
The man walks over and shakes the tree
but nothing happens! He walks back to
the owner shaking his head , taking off his
coat and rolling his sleeves up.
“What are you going to do now?” asks the
owner
“Well he won’t come down so I’m going
have to go up and wrestle him out” replies
the man
“What do want me to do?” asks the owner
“If I fall out the tree shoot the dog!!

Mmm. What breed of dog was it please?

Was this in England?

 

Regards

[Tackle]

7 minutes ago, Shamal said:

Mmm. What breed of dog was it please?

Was this in England?

 

Regards

Why ?, you feeling horny ?

[Shamal]

4 minutes ago, Tackle said:

Why ?, you feeling horny ?

Haha. I just knew as I typed that exactly what you would say. And I was right. ??

 

Regards

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Our local bakery is expanding and hiring more staff.

 

They have many roles that need filling.

[Shamal]

Well there is a bakery somewhere near me that sell the most wonderful bread. It's location is kept secret to all but a few. Its on a knead to dough basis. ?

[Adolf Hamster]

must admit, some of these bread jokes are a bit stale.....

[Shamal]

31 minutes ago, Adolf Hamster said:

must admit, some of these bread jokes are a bit stale.....

Ouch! ?

[Adolf Hamster]

11 minutes ago, Shamal said:

Ouch! ?

 

Just because it came up when meme fishing;

 

What do you call a broken can opener?

 

A can't opener.....

[Shamal]

2 hours ago, Adolf Hamster said:

 

Just because it came up when meme fishing;

 

What do you call a broken can opener?

 

A can't opener.....

That's actually quite good 

[Shamal]

I went greyhound racing last night.

 

Wow those things are fast....I lost every race.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

15 hours ago, Adolf Hamster said:

must admit, some of these bread jokes are a bit stale.....

I'm going to eat different types of bread all week.

 

Roll on Friday!

[Jedi_Master]

What do you call an Irish baker?

A ginger breadman.

[Adolf Hamster]

a scientist at the lhc managed to get caught in the cooling system, when they got to him his body temperature had dropped to -273.15°C

 

fortunately he was 0k

[Shamal]

Carrying on the science thing.... A neutron walks into a pub and asks how much for a beer. The landlord replies, “For you, no charge.” ?

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

The best part about being a scientist is having your hard work and research questioned by people who spent every science class peeling glue from their hands.

[Shamal]

Got the wife a new fridge for her birthday.

 

You should have seen her face light up when she opened it.?

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I really struggled with my helium addiction.

 

No one took my cries for help seriously.  

[Shamal]

Funnily enough I've been reading a book about helium. I just can't put it down.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Bloody cyclists...

 

 

 

 

 

I've created a few I can tell you.  

[Shamal]

I was looking out of the lounge window yesterday and I saw a wolf.

 

I called Mrs shamal "come quick there is a wolf in the garden" she came dashing in at her usual slow crawl,looked and said "where?"

I said "no it's a normal one"

 

Regards 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Caught the lad messing about with live electricity again. 

 

I've grounded him until he learns to conduct himself properly.