Shamal Posted March 15, 2023 Author Share Posted March 15, 2023 Midwife for sale.... Can deliver. Tactical Pith Helmet and Tackle 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted March 15, 2023 Share Posted March 15, 2023 1 hour ago, Shamal said: Midwife for sale.... Can deliver. I like midwives. They help people out. Shamal 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted March 15, 2023 Author Share Posted March 15, 2023 7 minutes ago, Tactical Pith Helmet said: I like midwives. They help people out. Nice.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted March 16, 2023 Author Share Posted March 16, 2023 A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much." The driver replied, "Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver – I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years Tactical Pith Helmet and Jedi_Master 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted March 17, 2023 Share Posted March 17, 2023 As I get older I remember all of the people that I've lost. Maybe I should never have become a tour guide... Tackle, Shamal and EDcase 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted March 17, 2023 Share Posted March 17, 2023 Why does the Avon lady walk funny? Her lipstick. Jedi_Master, The Waco Kid, Shamal and 1 other 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted March 19, 2023 Author Share Posted March 19, 2023 You know it’s so lazy when people write “Congrats” just because they can’t spell Congrajlashins! Tactical Pith Helmet and EDcase 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted March 20, 2023 Share Posted March 20, 2023 Just got the sack as a gravedigger. They said they can never find where I've been working. I think they've lost the plot tbh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cannonfodder Posted March 20, 2023 Share Posted March 20, 2023 Was in bed with the mrs and she seductively said you can put it wherever you want. Apparently in her sister wasn't an option Jedi_Master, Tactical Pith Helmet and Shamal 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted March 20, 2023 Author Share Posted March 20, 2023 Well sometimes, if I'm feeling like a challenge, I'll whisper to the wife"this is how your sister likes it best" Then I see how long I can stay in for! Jedi_Master, Cannonfodder and Tactical Pith Helmet 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted March 20, 2023 Share Posted March 20, 2023 How many perverts does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one, but it takes a whole medical team to remove it. Cannonfodder and Shamal 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted March 21, 2023 Author Share Posted March 21, 2023 I melted an ice cube just by staring at it this morning. Took a bit longer than I thought it would Tactical Pith Helmet 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted March 23, 2023 Share Posted March 23, 2023 Bought some Oxo cubes -£9.70!!! Stock market has gone mad Enid_Puceflange and Shamal 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted March 23, 2023 Share Posted March 23, 2023 Money won't buy you happiness, but you do get more pleasant misery. Shamal 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted March 23, 2023 Author Share Posted March 23, 2023 I went for a job interview yesterday and the Job interviewer apparently asked me where do you see yourself in 5 years? To which I responded, I would say my biggest weakness is listening rj1986 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Supporters Adolf Hamster Posted March 24, 2023 Supporters Share Posted March 24, 2023 14 hours ago, Tactical Pith Helmet said: Money won't buy you happiness, but you do get more pleasant misery. It is true, money can't buy you happyness, but it can buy you bacon and that's pretty damn close..... Tackle, Tactical Pith Helmet, Cannonfodder and 1 other 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cannonfodder Posted March 24, 2023 Share Posted March 24, 2023 3 hours ago, Adolf Hamster said: It is true, money can't buy you happyness, but it can buy you bacon and that's pretty damn close..... Tryptophan is an amnio acid used by the body to make serotonin and pork is high in tryptophan. Therefore bacon really is the key to happiness Tactical Pith Helmet and Adolf Hamster 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Supporters Adolf Hamster Posted March 24, 2023 Supporters Share Posted March 24, 2023 26 minutes ago, Cannonfodder said: Tryptophan is an amnio acid used by the body to make serotonin and pork is high in tryptophan. Therefore bacon really is the key to happiness This, right here, is why the internet is awesome Cannonfodder 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted March 24, 2023 Author Share Posted March 24, 2023 . I'll stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers. Tactical Pith Helmet 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cannonfodder Posted March 25, 2023 Share Posted March 25, 2023 I used to have a serious hokey jokey addiction but luckily I managed to turn myself around Shamal, Tackle and Tactical Pith Helmet 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted March 26, 2023 Share Posted March 26, 2023 Changed the ringtone on my alarm to the Hokey Cokey. Took me 20-minutes to get out of bed. Shamal 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted March 26, 2023 Author Share Posted March 26, 2023 Talking of beds... I got myself a microwave bed.now I can get eight hours sleep in 15mins. 🤦 Tactical Pith Helmet 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted March 26, 2023 Share Posted March 26, 2023 Gave my wife a bucket on a rope for her birthday. It went down well. Tackle and Shamal 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted March 27, 2023 Author Share Posted March 27, 2023 During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director what the criterion was that defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a room with or without a view?” Tackle, Tactical Pith Helmet and Cannonfodder 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cannonfodder Posted March 27, 2023 Share Posted March 27, 2023 In bed with the mrs she told me if I turn the light off I can put it in her arse Probably should've let the bulb cool down first Tactical Pith Helmet and Shamal 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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