Tell Us a Gag. Please!

[Shamal]

8 hours ago, Tactical Pith Helmet said:

A Freudian slip is actually when you say one thing, but mean your mother. 

Yes I know that.,?

 

 

[Jedi_Master]

On 03/04/2022 at 20:57, sonofsammo said:

How many cognitive behavioural therapy practitioners does it take to change a lightbulb?

Somewhere between 1 and 10.

 

Only one, whilst the remainder just bullshit about non-sensical stuff and charge too much for it.

[Shamal]

At the local zoo, I spotted one cage with just a ham roll in it.  Slightly confused, I asked the zoo keeper if this was deliberate. They told me it was and that it was bread in captivity.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Just lost my job as a massage therapist. 

 

My boss said I rubbed people up the wrong way.   

[Guest]

I was going to make a joke about sales posts and users with numbers at the end of their names, but decided on discretion ??

[Shamal]

37 minutes ago, rocketdogbert said:

I was going to make a joke about sales posts and users with numbers at the end of their names, but decided on discretion ??

Haha. 

C'mon let's hear it ?

 

Regards

[Guest]

42 minutes ago, Shamal said:

Haha. 

C'mon let's hear it ?

 

Regards

two more independent votes

 

[AirsoftTed]

Two tampons are walking down the street. Which one of them says hello to you first?

Neither, they're both stuck up c**ts!

[Shamal]

I was just viewing a woman's profile on a dating website,
'Blonde 33 Great Personality 5ft  3 Green Eyes.'
Don't get me wrong, I’ve got nothing against short women, but, 3 green eyes?
No wonder she's single! ?

[TheAkimboSteak]

Saw my next door neighbour over the fence she told me that she was having a problem, someone has been stealing clothes off her washing line

 

I nearly sh1t her pants...

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I was told that I have my mother's eyes today.

 

Strangest will I've ever heard!  

[Shamal]

I bought one of those dna genealogy tests for my pet frog the other month and we got the results back today.  Apparently he’s a little bit French, part Scottish & a tad Pole.?

[Tackle]

1 hour ago, Shamal said:

I bought one of those dna genealogy tests for my pet frog the other month and we got the results back today.  Apparently he’s a little bit French, part Scottish & a tad Pole.?

Talking of frogs ?

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Uncle Bob was at the opticians. 

 

'I got some semen in one of my pupils last week, will it cause me any harm?'

 

Rather shocked the optician stammers out, 'Oh no, I'm sure that you'll be fine. '

 

'Thank fuck for that,' says Bob,  'her parents were going to go to the school and the police. ' 

Edited April 8, 2022 by Tactical Pith Helmet

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I asked my friend John if being deaf held him back as a gynaecologist. 

 

'No,' he replied, 'I'm dead good at lip reading.'  

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

After weeks of trying to get an appointment, the doctor finally had a look at the annoying rash on my bollocks.

 

I couldn't believe it.   He just pushed his trolley away and carried on shopping! 

[Skullchewer]

What does Jeff Beezoss do before bed? 

 

Puts his pajamazon

[Shamal]

French Navy coming to Portsmouth. The French Navy will be visiting Portsmouth and unveiling their new motto ‘To the water, it’s there’ or as the French would say it ‘A l’eau, c’est la'

 

 

 

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

2 hours ago, Shamal said:

French Navy coming to Portsmouth. The French Navy will be visiting Portsmouth and unveiling their new motto ‘To the water, it’s there’ or as the French would say it ‘A l’eau, c’est la'

 

 

 

 

Jesus wept!  ? 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

For years I've given £5 each month to cats protection.

 

I only missed two payments and the swine have come round to my house and broken my cats legs!  

[John_W]

Chuck Norris is hosting the Oscars next year. When he tells jokes about their wives, husbands will slap themselves.

[Skullchewer]

 

14 hours ago, John_W said:

Chuck Norris is hosting the Oscars next year. When he tells jokes about their wives, husbands will slap themselves.

I laughed so hard I dropped my phone.

But it was on Aeroplane mode so it landed safely.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

What do you call a man without a dog?

 

 

 

Dogless...

[Skullchewer]

10 hours ago, Tactical Pith Helmet said:

What do you call a man without a dog?

 

 

 

Dogless...

Oh, we're going there are we?

 

What do you call a man with shovel in his head?

Dug.

[Tackle]

In that case, meet my mate Hamed