Tell Us a Gag. Please!

[Shamal]

My mate fell off a walkway at the factory he works at, into a vat of strawberries, sugar and pectin. Amazingly he was unhurt. He is so jammy!

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I thought I'd hate this program about serious D.I.Y. blunders, but I'm literally glued to the TV...

[Shamal]

Devon and Cornwall have cancelled their planned joint '60s & '70s retro music festival after a row over whether to put The Jam or Cream on first...

[Shamal]

Update...

It's just been announced that the doors will open this event....

[Shamal]

I signed up to an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothes.

 

If I had any loose fitting clothes I wouldn't have signed up for an exercise class.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I used to be addicted to swimming.

 

I'm happy to say that I've been dry now for six months...

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Just started an engraving course.

 

First lesson, we barely scratched the surface...

[Shamal]

I had a Continental breakfast this morning.

Those tyres taste disgusting.

[Shamal]

I’ve come to the conclusion that Baby Changing Stations are the biggest con.

I’ve seen parents use them and they always come out with the same kid.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

3 hours ago, Shamal said:

I’ve come to the conclusion that Baby Changing Stations are the biggest con.

I’ve seen parents use them and they always come out with the same kid.

I'd prefer changing a baby for a dog myself...

 

Being embarrassed about her anal bleaching session, my sister told everyone that she was just changing her ring tone.  

[Shamal]

Please note April is officially Procrastination Awareness month!

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I've just made a car entirely out of magic mushrooms.

 

Might go out for a trip in it later.

[Shamal]

This works best when told to someone. Young children are best if they don't know what repeat means.?

 

Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell out. Who was left.

 

Pete and Repeat were in a boat.

Pete fell out. Who was left.

 

Pete and Repeat were in a boat..............

 

I'll get me coat....

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Just saw the neighbourhood burglar kicking his own front door in.

 

He must be working from home again.

[Shamal]

I've always preferred wet shaving to using an electric shaver.  
I guess that's just the way I was razed.

[DaktariT]

My girlfriend just came downstairs from her beauty sleep. I sent her back to bed.

Edited May 20, 2024 by DaktariT

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I was looking at a shirt in a shop today and the sales woman asked me if I wanted to try it on. So I told her she had nice tits and asked if she fancied a drink after work.

[Shamal]

I got Swine Flu last week, so I rubbed myself all over with salt, and now I'm cured.

[DaktariT]

My Ex-girlfriend was hit by a bus near my house. And I said to myself “That could've been me!!”

 

Then I remembered - I can't drive a bus.

[DanBow]

20 minutes ago, DaktariT said:

My Ex-girlfriend was hit by a bus near my house. And I said to myself “That could've been me!!”

 

Then I remembered - I can't drive a bus.

 

Isn't it funny how the meaning of "I'd hit that" changes after a break up!

[Cannonfodder]

Millie Cyrus licked a hammer and danced around in her underwear and was praised for it.

 

So why is it when I do it I get banned from B&Q?

[Shamal]

I staggered into the doctor's yesterday.

Doc said ' Oh dear,drunk again Mr Shamal'

 

I said ' ok doc I'll come back when you're  sober'

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I've just watched a film called "Star Wars XXX".

 

Well, what can I say..?  It's definitely a departure from the first twenty-nine films.

[Cannonfodder]

I was watching Masterchef Australia last night. Someone made a meringue and everybody cheered.

That's strange I thought, in Australia they usually boo meringue 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

'You're home early Dear.'

 

'Boss told me to 'go to hell' so here I am.'