Tell Us a Gag. Please!

[Shamal]

 

Two hillbillies are driving a big truck. They come to an overpass marked ‘MAX HEIGHT 14’6″’

One turns to the other. “Seth,” he says, “How high is this truck?”

Seth says “You know that, Billy Jim Bob! This truck is sixteen feet tall.”

So then Billy Jim Bob says “And what does that sign say?”

Seth answers him “It says fourteen feet six inches.”

“And how tall is this truck?”

“I told you Sixteen feet!”

Billy Jim Bob looks around carefully. “Well,” he says, “I don’t see a cop in sight. I say we go for it."

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

The Institute for Unfinished Research has discovered that six out of ten people 

[Shamal]

Did you know Bugs bunny will not accept any Google files, he only wants to be sent WhatsApp docs.

[Cannonfodder]

I had a one night stand with a blind female comedian last week and when I dropped my trousers she said I had the biggest dick she'd ever felt.

 

I think she was pulling my leg

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I was unfairly sacked from my job as a fireworks coordinator today.

 

It was bang out of order.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I can control specific types of bird with my mind.

 

I have pelicanetic powers.  

[Shamal]

I can't believe my daughter is worried about me invading her privacy...well that's  according to her diary.

Edited November 6, 2023 by Shamal
Spelin

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Told a joke today and everyone in the room literally pissed themselves, even though it wasn't very funny.

 

I love working in an old peoples home sometimes.

[Shamal]

5 hours ago, Tactical Pith Helmet said:

Told a joke today and everyone in the room literally pissed themselves, even though it wasn't very funny.

 

I love working in an old peoples home sometimes.

That's completely normal in my world ?

[Shamal]

The next person that asks me for vodka, pineapple juice, cranberry juice, lemonade and a slice of orange in the same glass is gonna get a punch !

[Madhouse]

[Shamal]

If a girl looked at me when I was in my twenties it was because I was up with all the fashions.

 

If a girl looked at me when I was in my thirties it was because I was toned and muscular.

 

If a girl looked at me when I was in my forties it was because I was experienced and debonair.

 

If a girl looked at me when I was in my fifties it was because I looked distinguished and worldly wise.

 

Now I'm in my late sixties and a girl looks at me, I look down to check that I have remembered to put my trousers on. ☹️

[gavinkempsell]

Relatable... except for the the first 4 lines.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

My new snake is 3.13 feet long.  

 

It's a pi-thon...

[Madhouse]

What do you call an artist with a brown finger?

 

Picasshole

[Shamal]

17 hours ago, Tactical Pith Helmet said:

My new snake is 3.13 feet long.  

 

It's a pi-thon...

Not an adder then 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I wear Velcro shoes nowadays.

 

Why knot?

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

My friend keeps saying,  'cheer up mate, could be worse.   You could be stuck in a hole full of water.'

 

It's annoying but I know he means well.  

[Shamal]

 

A blonde woman walks into an ice cream shop and asks for a chocolate shake.

The employee says, “Sorry miss but we are all out of chocolate. We have vanilla and strawberry.”

She says, “Oh, ok then I’ll have a scoop of chocolate.”

“Sorry, but there is no chocolate. Only vanilla and strawberry.”

She thinks about it and then says, “Ok, then I’ll have a chocolate cone.”

Frustrated, the kid behind the counter tells her, “I’d like you to spell ‘van’, like in vanilla.”

V-a-n.

“Ok, now spell ‘straw’, like in strawberry”

S-t-r-a-w.

“Now, spell ‘fuck’, like in chocolate.”

She thinks about it for a second and then says, “There’s no ‘fuck’ in chocolate.”

“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you! There’s no fuckin’ chocolate.”

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Knock, knock.

 

Who's there?

 

Atilla. 

 

Oh, hi hun.  

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I draw the line at dot-to-dot books.  

[Shamal]

I was having a meal in an Indian restaurant. I was just finishing up and thinking about getting the bill when this little old lady came up to my table. She said: “You are such a lovely boy, with beautiful manners. You are a credit to your mum and dad.” Then off she toddled.

I said to the waiter: Excuse me, but who was that?

He said: Ah yes sir: that’s your complimentary nan…

[Shamal]

Seeing as a lot of people on here like gadgets I thought I would tell you about my latest gadget for the kitchen.

When you use it,it plays Nocturne number 2 in E flat major.

 

Yes it's a Chopin board.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

How do you get down from an elephant?

 

You don't.  You get down from a duck...

[Shamal]

5 hours ago, Tactical Pith Helmet said:

How do you get down from an elephant?

 

You don't.  You get down from a duck...

?