Tell Us a Gag. Please!

[Tackle]

1 hour ago, Shamal said:

Well spotted mate.

What put you on to them?

 

I'll pm you?

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

If I got a pound for every time I was paranoid, I'd wonder who was paying me and why?

[Shamal]

A high-wire act isn’t something you can do straight away. 

It’s something that has to be taught.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

My lad got zero for his geography and history homework, even after I helped him with it.

 

Seriously, that school is like the Swedish Inquisition!  

[Shamal]

Amazing what these marketing people come up with. Apparently there is a new range of perfumes that are supposed to make you laugh more readily. They're calling it "Scents of Humour".

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

1971:  A man goes into a tailor's shop in Birmingham to buy a new suit.  After going through all the usual choices, he settles on a nice single breasted two-button charcoal grey one with a single vent and three buttons on each sleeve.

 

The salesman then persuades him to add a shirt, one with a complementary stripe and then he asks, how about we finish it all off with a nice kipper tie? 

 

'That would be lovely,' replies the man, 'milk and two sugars please.'

[Madhouse]

Asked my girlfriend why she broke up with me. She said there were 14 reasons, plus my obsession with tennis.

 

I said that's 15, love.

[Tackle]

On 16/10/2023 at 23:54, Tactical Pith Helmet said:

My lad got zero for his geography and history homework, even after I helped him with it.

 

Seriously, that school is like the Swedish Inquisition!  

Kids today, they're just not expecting the swedish inquisition ?

[gavinkempsell]

2 hours ago, Tackle said:

Kids today, they're just not expecting the swedish inquisition ?

But NOBODY, expects the Swedish inquisition.

 

& for the younger members...

 

 

Edited October 20, 2023 by gavinkempsell

[Shamal]

 

A young man volunteers for airborne training. After one week, he phones his father.

“Dad, we had our first parachute jump today, but only about half the company jumped. The others were scared.”

Dad: “Well, did you jump?” Son: “No, I was scared.”

A week later he calls dad again “We had our second jump today. The sergeant said that anyone who didn’t jump this time would not get a pass for this weekend. All but about ten of us jumped.”

Dad: “Well, did you jump?” Son: “No, I just couldn’t”.

A week later he calls dad again “We had our third jump today. The sergeant said that anyone who didn’t jump was going to spend the weekend scrubbing the latrines with a toothbrush. Only three people didn’t jump.”

Dad: “Well, did you jump?” Son: “Nope. I’m still too scared.”

Another week goes by and he calls dad “Today was our fourth jump. The sergeant said he was gonna bend anyone who didn’t jump over the seat and screw him up the rear.”

Dad: “OK, so you jumped?” Son: “Yeah I jumped … a little … at first.”

[Shamal]

I asked this elderly man why he was using two massive frozen chips as walking sticks.

He replied: “They’re McCains!”

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

My local shop is selling a natural plant based alternative to vapes.

 

They're called cigarettes.   

[Shamal]

We didn't have much as kids but I remember one birthday was spent down the launderette.

The highlight of the day was playing pass the Persil.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Went to a restaurant called Karma last night. 

 

Good food but limited menu.

 

They do just desserts...

[Shamal]

A wife sends her husband an SMS on a cold winter evening:

 

"Windows frozen".

 

The husband sent an answer back:

 

"Pour some warm water over them".

 

Sometime later husband receives an answer from his wife:

 

"The computer is completely fucked now"

[Cannonfodder]

2 middle aged women are having lunch and discussing ways the beat the aging process. One says "I'm having a boob job"

 

The other says "I'm getting my arsehole bleached"

 

The first replies "really? I can't imagine your husband as a blonde"

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Albert Einstein was a genius. 

 

His brother Frank was a monster. 

[Shamal]

I’ve just realised, I have one pair of running shoes but unfortunately I also own sixteen pairs of eating ones.

[Shamal]

 

One evening, Jesus walks into a flash restaurant with his 12 disciples following him in.

The Maitre D greets him and says:

“Good evening sir, how can we help you today?”

Jesus responds:

“Yes, we’d like a table for 26 please”

The Maitre D looks confused for a second, before gathering his composure:

“But sir, there are only 13 of you?”

Jesus responds:

“Ahh, yes…. but we’re all going to sit on one side of the table”.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I was going to tell you all a joke about UPS deliveries.

 

You won't get it though...

[Shamal]

I went to a charity bash organised by the R.N.L.I. today.

It was amazing.

They certainly know how to push the boat out 

[Cannonfodder]

I'm going to write a book about all the things I should've done with my life

 

It'll be my oughtabiography

[Shamal]

Little known fact that bees were the last to emerge from Noah's ark, because he kept them in the ark hives.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Addicted to seaweed?

 

Seek kelp.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I now identity as a donkey.

 

My pronouns are he/haw.