Tell Us a Gag. Please!

[Cannonfodder]

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?' 
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied. 
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said. 
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you have caused some needless embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.' 
The man replied, 'You should not ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.' The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. 
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??' 
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated loudly.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'What is wrong with your ear, Sir?' 
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

10 hours ago, DanBow said:

What do you do when a snake bites you?

 

Take anti-hissss-tamines.

Jesus wept Dan.  🤣🤣🤣

[Shamal]

 

The scene is a funeral wake. Several people have given moving tributes to the deceased, and now the grieving widow asks if anybody else would like to add anything. A man stands up.

‘May I say a word?’ he asks.

‘Of course,’ says the widow.

‘Plethora,’ says the man.

‘Thank You: that means a lot,’ replies the widow.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Just tried to change my password to beef stew.  My PC said it wasn't stroganoff

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

'My local football team are off the the south of France this weekend. '

 

'Toulouse?'

 

'Probably, they're bloody rubbish..'

Edited September 23, 2023 by Tactical Pith Helmet

[The_Roach]

It's the story of a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac.

 

He's lying awake in his bed.

 

Wondering if there is a Dog.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Just visited Argentina.  No where as hot as I'd expected.

 

Close to Chile to be honest.   

[Shamal]

I was very disappointed when the limousine I ordered, didn’t come with a driver.

I spent £400 and had nothing to chauffeur it ☹️

[Tackle]

[Shamal]

THE HELPFUL BIRD

A man was hiking through a large forest when he suddenly found himself surrounded be a huge pack of snarling wolves! Shaking uncontrollably with fear, the man said in a trembling voice,

"I'm in big trouble!!!"

But just then a little bird landed on his shoulder and said in a soft pleasant soothing voice,

"No, you are NOT in big trouble. Here's what you can do. See that large male wolf with the brown birth mark on his head? That's the leader wolf 🐺, the head of the pack. Take that branch lying on the ground beside you and stab that leader wolf with the sharp end of the branch right on that birth mark as hard as you can."

"Thank you kind bird",said the man, as he bent down, picked up the stick, walked over to the leader wolf and stabbed the sharp end of the stick with all his might right on the wolf's birthmark.

The bird then said,

"NOW you're in big trouble!"

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I had a great joke about inflation last year.

 

But it’s hardly worth it now.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I hear that Manchester is being demolished and rebuilt seventy miles south. 

 

It's cheaper than finishing HS2...

[Shamal]

I told my wife that she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

7 hours ago, Shamal said:

I told my wife that she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.

[Shamal]

5 hours ago, Tactical Pith Helmet said:

Nice 😂

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

My Wife says I am putting on a lot of weight.

 

In my defence I've had a lot on my plate recently

[Shamal]

I was told it’s fine to allow your pets to sleep on your bed.

 

But thanks to that advice, my two goldfish are now very poorly.

[Dan Robinson]

Why don't blind people go bungee jumping?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It scares the shit out of the dogs.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Man the videos this channel make are hilarious.

Edited September 28, 2023 by Dan Robinson

[Dan Robinson]

https://youtube.com/shorts/XCFssRlOJgY

Edited September 28, 2023 by Dan Robinson

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

My girlfriend set fire to all her outstanding bills.

 

Her name's Bernadette... 

[Shamal]

Apologies for this very contrived offering.

 

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was £10,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the pound as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco supermarket. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...

(You're going to hate me for this...)

'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for £1.00 @ Tesco 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

'King Penguin.

 

A particularly annoying penguin.  

[Shamal]

On 30/09/2023 at 00:59, Tactical Pith Helmet said:

'King Penguin.

 

A particularly annoying penguin.  

Please explain.my brain hurts now 😂

[Shamal]

 

Two elderly southern widows are sitting on one of their porches talking about how good their husbands had been to them.

The first woman says, “On my first wedding anniversary, my husband bought me a gold ring.”

The second woman says (with a southern drawl), “That’s niiiiiiiiiiiiiiice.”

The first woman says, “On my tenth wedding anniversary, my husband bought me a diamond necklace.”

The second woman says, “That’s niiiiiiiiiiiiiiice.”

The first woman says, “And on my twenty-fifth wedding anniversary, my husband bought me a trip around the world.”

The second woman says, “That’s niiiiiiiiiiiiiiice.”

The first woman says, “And what did your husband ever buy for you?”

The second woman says, “Well, on my first wedding anniversary, my husband bought me lessons at a school of etiquette.”

The first woman says, “Lessons at a school of etiquette? Well, why in the world would he buy you something like that?”

The second woman says, “So I’d learn how to say that’s nice instead of who the fuck cares.”

Edited October 2, 2023 by Shamal

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

4 hours ago, Shamal said:

Please explain.my brain hurts now 😂

The apostrophe!

 

It's a (fuc)'king penguin...

I quit my new job as a postman today.

 

They gave me my first letter to deliver, I looked down at the address on it and thought: "This isn't for me."

Edited October 3, 2023 by Tactical Pith Helmet