Tell Us a Gag. Please!

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

A lorry load of ballroom dancing equipment has been spilled all over the M3.

 

Police are advising drivers to go slow, slow, quick, quick,  slow.  

[AirSniper]

I was at my tenis club the other day when a young man came over and said to me "I'm a ball boy" to me...

I said "I'm a tit man myself, but whatever floats your boat..."

[Shamal]

Have you recently been hit by a rhythm stick?  If you have you could be entitled to compensation through a personal Ian Dury claim.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

What's got fifty legs and flies?

 

 

 

The bins behind our local vets...

[Shamal]

I went Linedancing last night. Did some really original moves.

However, I was told the police call it a 'Roadside sobriety test'

[AirSniper]

Have you heard the news about Subway?

They're releasing a new sandwich called "The Titan"

 

Its 5 different meats smashed together in a sub.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Saw the terrible news story about the man who drowned in a giant vat of coffee today. 

 

Apparently it was instant. 

[Shamal]

I asked my german friend 'why have you got a piece of meat in the boot of your car' he replied 'that is my spare veal'

[gavinkempsell]

courtesy of reddit...

 

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good Grief, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?", Ole demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."

The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she too, is wearing no undies.

"You woman of mine! You've no knickers on. Why not?", asked Patrick.

She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."

Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too, is naked under it.

"Fur Jake's sake, Aggie! Where the friggin hell are yer drawers?", Duncan inquired.

She too explains, "You dinnae give me enough money tae be able tae afford any."

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fur the love 'o decency, here's a comb... Tidy yerself up a bit."

[AirSniper]

[Shamal]

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the British, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: “American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British”.

One week later, Australia’s Northern Territory Times reported the following: “After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Tennant Creek, Northern Territory, Knackers Johnson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely bugger-all. Knackers has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless".

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Russia:

 

2021 - 2nd best army in the world

2022 - 2nd best army in Ukraine

2023 - 2nd best army in Russia

[Shamal]

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an open buggy one cold, blustery January day. The daughter said to the mother, "My hands are freezing cold."

The mother replied, "Put your hands between your legs, the body heat will warm them up." So the daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

A few days later, the daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend. The boyfriend said, "My hands are freezing cold."

"Put them between my legs," she said, "they'll warm up."

The next day, the young couple is riding in the buggy again when he says, "My nose is freezing cold."
The daughter figures to use the same method as yesterday and says, "Put it between my legs, it will warm up." He did, and his nose quickly warmed up.

Again, the next day, they were driving and he told her, "My penis is frozen solid."

She once again, gave her standard advice. Later that day, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her Mother.

She asked, "Mother, have you ever heard of a penis?"

The slightly concerned Mother replied, "Sure, but why do you ask?"

The daughter answered, "Well, I just wondered......do they always make such a big mess when they thaw out?"

[Skullchewer]

I’ve had trouble sleeping lately, all I do is sit up all night eating snacks, went to the docs about it and I’ve been told I’ve got insomnomnomnomnomnia

[AirSniper]

I have decided to put my money into a new venture,
it's a company that makes coffins and condoms.

 

The company slogan will be "We got you covered,

whether you're cumming or going..."

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Bumped into Elvis today in B&Q.

 

He returned a sander. 

[Shamal]

6 hours ago, Tactical Pith Helmet said:

Bumped into Elvis today in B&Q.

 

He returned a sander. 

Took me a few mins lol

[Shamal]

I did 6 pints yesterday and I got home in a bit of a state.  My wife saw what I was like and yelled at me, ”if you can’t do it in moderation you need to stop giving blood.

[Madhouse]

What are you if you drive a Subaru backwards?

 

U r a bus

 

 

 

Why isn’t there a pregnant Barbie doll?

 

Because Ken came in a different box.

Edited June 30, 2023 by Madhouse

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

16 hours ago, Shamal said:

Took me a few mins lol

'Uh huh!'  😉

 

 

A native American looks after my kitchen these days.

 

He's my Sioux Chef...

 

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the bartender delivers it, the cowboy looks around and notices the bar is completely deserted other than himself and the bartender...

"Where is everybody? This place is usually packed this time of day," the cowboy says. The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?" "Brown Paper Pete," says the bartender.

"What kind of name is that? Why do they call him Brown Paper Pete?" the cowboy asks. "Well," says the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."

"Weird guy," says the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?" "Rustling," says the bartender.....

 

 

Edited July 1, 2023 by Tactical Pith Helmet

[Shamal]

I’m writing down a list of all the things I want to do, it’s my oughtobiography.  Which then got me thinking, do florists do the same and have a bouquet list?

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

When parents say to kids "Go to your room & think about what you've done," it's really good practice for what you'll do every night as an adult.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I went out with a girl who had one leg called Wendy.

 

No idea what she called the other one.

[Shamal]

7 hours ago, Tactical Pith Helmet said:

I went out with a girl who had one leg called Wendy.

 

No idea what she called the other one.

🤦