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Tell Us a Gag. Please!


Shamal
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I visited this old church the other day and noticed that the tombstones on the left were identical to the tombstones on the right. Then I realised these people were all buried in the middle of the symmetry.

 

Regards

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How many alzheimers patients does it take to change a light bulb? 

 

 

To get to the other side! 

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Just noticed two lumps on my car battery, so I have had them tested.

 

Hope it's not terminal.  

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My girlfriend's dog died, so I bought her another one that was exactly the same. 

 

You can't please her though. 

 

'What the fuck am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?' She screamed.

 

 

 

 

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I found that I’ve been much happier since I stopped drinking coffee in the morning and switched it to orange juice. 
My doctor says it is the vitamin C and the natural sugars, but personally I think it’s the vodka.🍹

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My lad came home from school with a bloody nose today.

 

'Where the hell did you get that from you fucking psychopath?' I asked him. 

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13 minutes ago, Tactical Pith Helmet said:

My lad came home from school with a bloody nose today.

 

'Where the hell did you get that from you fucking psychopath?' I asked him. 

👍

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To get by in life I have found it vitally important to live by two unwritten rules, these are:
𝟙.
𝟚.

🤔

 

Regards

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I just broke off my engagement to the local baker.  

 

Charming girl but far too kneady.  

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How many stupid people does it take to change a light bulb?

Five.

One to stand on the stool and hold the bulb, the other four to turn the stool round.

 

 

 

I went to give blood the other day. 
I'm not fricking doing it again. Just too many questions.
Where did you get it from?
Whose is it?
Why is it in a bucket?


 

 

 

 

Edited by sonofsammo
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21 hours ago, Shamal said:

So in awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, for ever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought.…
I must put a roof on this toilet 🤔🤭

 

 

LOL, I thought something similar one night back in '87, woke up looking at the stars😳

True story🤣

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19 minutes ago, Tackle said:

LOL, I thought something similar one night back in '87, woke up looking at the stars😳

True story🤣

Aah stop it you old romantic you.lol

Was that the summer of 87

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7 minutes ago, Shamal said:

Aah stop it you old romantic you.lol

Was that the summer of 87

LOL, no, October, the "great storm", fuck all great about it though 🤕

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1 hour ago, sonofsammo said:

How many stupid people does it take to change a light bulb?

Five.

One to stand on the stool and hold the bulb, the other four to turn the stool round.

 

 

 

I went to give blood the other day. 
I'm not fricking doing it again. Just too many questions.
Where did you get it from?
Whose is it?
Why is it in a bucket?


 

 

 

 

I think I posted the second gag a year ago. Still funny though 🤣

1 minute ago, Tackle said:

LOL, no, October, the "great storm", fuck all great about it though 🤕

Haha. Sounds like a story behind that 🤣

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How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they'd rather sit in the dark.

I was walking home with my wife when we saw my mother in law being attacked by 6 men.
"Aren't you going to help?!" asked my concerned wife.
"Six ought to be enough" I replied.

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I changed a light bulb on my own yesterday it was easy.

I kept the receipt so no problem...🤭

 

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How many psychoanalytic therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?

 

Two: one to enthusiastically screw the bulb, one to firmly grasp the penis, sorry, I meant ladder....

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16 hours ago, Tactical Pith Helmet said:

How many psychoanalytic therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?

 

Two: one to enthusiastically screw the bulb, one to firmly grasp the penis, sorry, I meant ladder....

 

 

How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb.
One, but the lightbulb has to really want to change...

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What do psychoanalysts wear around the house? 

 

Freudian slippers...   

 

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This is really what the mind is all about. How we process information.

 

What goes up down but not down up?

 

All the relevant information is there.🤔

 

Regards

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5 hours ago, Shamal said:

This is really what the mind is all about. How we process information.

 

What goes up down but not down up?

 

All the relevant information is there.🤔

 

Regards

A Freudian slip is actually when you say one thing, but mean your mother. 

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