Shamal

One evening, Jesus walks into a flash restaurant with his 12 disciples following him in. The Maitre D greets him and says: “Good evening sir, how can we help you today?” Jesus responds: “Yes, we’d like a table for 26 please” The Maitre D looks confused for a second, before gathering his composure: “But sir, there are only 13 of you?” Jesus responds: “Ahh, yes…. but we’re all going to sit on one side of the table”.

I’ve just realised, I have one pair of running shoes but unfortunately I also own sixteen pairs of eating ones.

That address is on street view. It has a box trailer on drive with busfest written on it and some other writing.

What possible reason would anyone need to put tape on a frog??

All round yours for dinner then 😉

A wife sends her husband an SMS on a cold winter evening: "Windows frozen". The husband sent an answer back: "Pour some warm water over them". Sometime later husband receives an answer from his wife: "The computer is completely fucked now"

We didn't have much as kids but I remember one birthday was spent down the launderette. The highlight of the day was playing pass the Persil.

I asked this elderly man why he was using two massive frozen chips as walking sticks. He replied: “They’re McCains!”

Hi bud. Heads up. She doesn't need ukara for make up, boots or straighteners. 😉 Regards

Hi fella and welcome to the Airsoft asylum.👍🙂 I'm sure there will be some active members in your new location that may be able to help.🤞 Regards

A young man volunteers for airborne training. After one week, he phones his father. “Dad, we had our first parachute jump today, but only about half the company jumped. The others were scared.” Dad: “Well, did you jump?” Son: “No, I was scared.” A week later he calls dad again “We had our second jump today. The sergeant said that anyone who didn’t jump this time would not get a pass for this weekend. All but about ten of us jumped.” Dad: “Well, did you jump?” Son: “No, I just couldn’t”. A week later he calls dad again “We had our third jump today. The sergeant said that anyone who didn’t jump was going to spend the weekend scrubbing the latrines with a toothbrush. Only three people didn’t jump.” Dad: “Well, did you jump?” Son: “Nope. I’m still too scared.” Another week goes by and he calls dad “Today was our fourth jump. The sergeant said he was gonna bend anyone who didn’t jump over the seat and screw him up the rear.” Dad: “OK, so you jumped?” Son: “Yeah I jumped … a little … at first.”

Amazing what these marketing people come up with. Apparently there is a new range of perfumes that are supposed to make you laugh more readily. They're calling it "Scents of Humour".

Bloody hell mate that's some collection. You are either a criminal,politician or electrician. 😂 Nice display though 👍

Hi. Have you purchased the gun from a shop? Is it new? If it is then take it back to the shop. I'm wondering if the battery connector on the gun is the wrong way round. What type of connector is on the battery and gun?

That is fugly! No amount of rattle cans will make it right😂 (The views of one person is not representative of the views of others) It's still fugly.......😉 Regards 👍

A high-wire act isn’t something you can do straight away. It’s something that has to be taught.

Hi bud. Put an ad in the wanted section of the classifieds. You may get lucky 🤞 Regards

Well spotted mate. What put you on to them?

Hello. Is there anybody out there??

That's nice.🙂

Hi bud. Did you get your bloc eyepro at the n.a.e? I bought a pair from their stand but on the understanding that if they fogged they would have them back and I would have my £50 refunded. I'm like you and sweat worse than a nun in a cucumber field. However they worked and although I played hard they didn't fog👍 Regards

A man tells his friend that he has been sleeping around. The friend advises him to go and confess in church. So they go together and the man enters the confession box. Man: Father, I have sinned. Priest: What have you done, my son? Man: I have been sleeping around with married women in your congregation. Priest: Which one my son? Mary Charles? Man: No, father Priest: Patricia Jones? Man: No father Priest: Jeana Lee? Man: No, father Priest: Ok, put 5 pounds in the donation box and I shall pray to God to forgive you. The man comes out, puts five pounds in the box and walks out with his friend. Friend: So what happened? What did you get? Man: Three good leads

WHAT!! Sit down and reflect on what you have just said. 😉

I took my sausage dog back to the pet shop........ He was rubbish at cooking sausages.