Tell Us a Gag. Please!

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

It's sad. 9 out of 10 people who have fears about hurdles never get over them.

[Shamal]

Whenever I see a fire exit, I can't help myself, I dash out and then stand by the designated Fire Assembly Point. I suffer from premature evacuation.

[_K4MF_]

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I bought some new shoes today.

 

One of them is not right.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Masturbators Anonymous has started meeting in our village hall.

 

I was surprised at how many people came.

[Shamal]

So I said to the vicar: "This is a lovely old church vicar".
He said: "It's Norman". 
I said: "Oh right, this is a lovely old church Norman".

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I don't know.  Donate a kidney and you're a hero.

 

Donate half a dozen and the police kick your door down...

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I'm not saying Stoke on Trent is rough, but the local shops put steal by dates on all the food.

[Shamal]

I’ve started a business recycling chewing gum...

but I’m having trouble getting it off the ground.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I went to a French restaurant tonight, but the staff gave me the crepes.  

[Madhouse]

My wife and I are a match made in heaven .... I have a 9" penis and she doesn't know how to use a ruler.

[DanBow]

10 minutes ago, Madhouse said:

My wife and I are a match made in heaven .... I have a 9" penis and she doesn't know how to use a ruler.

 

I was talking to a guy who said his wife is an angel. You're lucky I said, mine's still alive!

[_K4MF_]

My Wife is mad that I have no sense of direction. I was so irritated I packed up my stuff and right.

[Shamal]

Chap knocked on the door last night asking for donations for the new local swimming pool.

I was very generous and gave him two pints of water.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Just discovered that my universal remote control doesn't control the universe at all.

 

Not even remotely!

[Shamal]

A young woman enters an overcrowded city bus.

She stands next to a middle-aged man who is sitting and asks him : “Sir, would you mind giving your seat to a pregnant woman?”

The man obliges despite the fact that she shows no obvious sign of pregnancy.

After she is seated the man asks “Pardon me young lady but how far along are you?”

She replies “About 30 minutes and I'm still quite wobbly on my feet".

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

If you hold the sole of your foot to your ear, you can hear the sound of a hip dislocating!

[Shamal]

Two people were admitted to hospital last night after eating lasagne made with 100% horsemeat.

 

A hospital spokesman said today that they were stable, although they both had the trots....

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Don't know why they call them 'sausage dogs.'  

 

They taste more like chicken to me...

[Shamal]

I made soup entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere...

It was a broth of fresh air.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

On 14/02/2024 at 20:37, Shamal said:

I made soup entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere...

It was a broth of fresh air.

FFFFFFS!!!   ?

 

The doctor's put me on an all almond diet.

 

I said to him, 'That's just nuts!'  

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

My Dad always said, 'Don't ever give up on your dreams'.

 

'Just go back to bed.'

[Shamal]

I’ve just bought some new state-of-the-art gardening equipment that makes the boundaries of my property look really neat and tidy. It uses cutting hedge technology.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

You know what really floats my boat?

 

Archimedes principle of relative buoyancy...

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

My wife asked why I keep drying grapes all over the house. 

 

I told her that I have my raisins.