Tell Us a Gag. Please!

[Shamal]

Creating a password... ? ? ?️ ?

cabbage

Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

boiled cabbage

Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

1 boiled cabbage

Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

50fuckingboiledcabbages

Sorry, the password must contain at least one uppercase character.

50FUCKINGboiledcabbages

Sorry, the password cannot use more than one uppercase character consecutively.

50FuckingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArse,IfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessImmediately

Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

NowlAmGettingReallyPissedOff50FuckingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArselfYou DontGiveMeAccessImmediately

Sorry, that password is already in use

[Shamal]

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that!

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

My friends are organising a joint Chinese New Year and Burns night.  It's going to be called Chinese Burns Night...

 

I don't want to go but they're twisting my arm.........

[Guest DrAlexanderTobacco]

I've been looking around for a specific torrent of an old film for years, all I could really find were shitty webrips at 720p. A friend let me know he found the file on a private tracker, but he can't upload it. He shipped it to me via cargo ship and it's taking FUCKING AGES to arrive, over 3 months now. I really don't like pier to pier file sharing.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

What do you call an Elephant that's unimportant?

 

An Irrelephant.

[Shamal]

I won 2nd prize in a competition, they gave me a map of the night sky.
It was a constellation prize

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

'Get your coat on, I'm going to the pub,' said Uncle Bob.

 

'Are you treating me?' replied Aunt Sheila.

 

'No,' said Bob, 'I'm turning the heating off.'

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

My German sister in law asked me for a gin and tonic.  

 

'Dry?' I asked her.

 

'No,' she said, 'I only want one.'

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. 

 

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day. 

[Skullchewer]

Is that why you're up at this time, ya dirty stopout?

[theSwede]

A man is in the hospital getting examined by a doctor.

 

The doctor looks at the man with a serious gaze and says 

 

”You need to stop masturbating.”

 

”Omg why?” Says the man a bit worried.

 

”Because I can’t examine you while you’re masturbating” says the doc

 

 

[Shamal]

Went to my local furniture showroom,
The sales person said

"This sofa will seat 5 people with no problems"

I am wondering where am I supposed to find
5 people with no problems?

[Shamal]

I’m off to the bank today to pay off my mortgage and all my loans and still have enough to buy a sports car afterwards.
I’m so excited I can hardly put my balaclava 

[Shamal]

Warning, never mix your metaphors. You could end up staring down the barrel of a double edged sword.

[Shamal]

I've just seen a holiday advert on the TV "Book by 31st July and your children go free".
I know the holiday industry's having a tough time, but I hardly think kidnapping kids and making televised demands like that is the way forward.

Edited July 22, 2023 by Shamal
Spelin

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I own two shirts and some neckwear that used to belong to a guy out of The Mamas & Papas.

 

All the sleeves are brown.

 

And the tie is grey.

 

 

[Smiling-Dutchman]

My mate told me he dipped his balls in glitter.

 

Pretty nuts, right?

Edited July 25, 2023 by Smiling-Dutchman

[Shamal]

My sister wasn't too pleased with the locket i bought her for her birthday.
She'll be thankful when her blocked nose clears up though.

[Skullchewer]

The funeral for the inventor of tupperware was delayed today. 

They couldn't find a lid to fit the coffin. 

[Cannonfodder]

A dog and a cat are having an argument over which species humans like most.

 

The dog says "humans like us more, they even named a tooth canine after us. Naming such an important body part after us shows dogs are the favourite"

 

The cat just smiles and says "you're really not going to win this one you know"

[Shamal]

I was always very shy as a young man, so my friend advised carrying a pebble in my pocket and squeezing it whenever the shyness took me.  
Did it work you are wondering.
Well I did feel a little boulder. 

?

[Cannonfodder]

I got sacked from my job at the bingo hall. Apparently "dinner for two with a hairy view" isn't the call for 69

[Skullchewer]

I launched a book aimed at 9 to 12 year olds.
Managed to hit one of the little shits as well!

Edited July 29, 2023 by Skullchewer

[Shamal]

My family have all gone onto a fruit only diet.

I'm fed up with it. 

The fridge and the cupboards are full of it.

It's enough to make a mango crazy!

[Skullchewer]

My friend Dave asked me if I could think of anything that could go wrong with a sentient spacecraft

I said

 "I'm sorry, Dave.  I'm afraid I can't do that."