Jump to content

Tell Us a Gag. Please!


Shamal
 Share

Recommended Posts

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My friends are organising a joint Chinese New Year and Burns night.  It's going to be called Chinese Burns Night...

 

I don't want to go but they're twisting my arm.........

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest DrAlexanderTobacco

I've been looking around for a specific torrent of an old film for years, all I could really find were shitty webrips at 720p. A friend let me know he found the file on a private tracker, but he can't upload it. He shipped it to me via cargo ship and it's taking FUCKING AGES to arrive, over 3 months now. I really don't like pier to pier file sharing.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I won 2nd prize in a competition, they gave me a map of the night sky.
It was a constellation prize

Link to comment
Share on other sites

'Get your coat on, I'm going to the pub,' said Uncle Bob.

 

'Are you treating me?' replied Aunt Sheila.

 

'No,' said Bob, 'I'm turning the heating off.'

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My German sister in law asked me for a gin and tonic.  

 

'Dry?' I asked her.

 

'No,' she said, 'I only want one.'

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. 

 

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A man is in the hospital getting examined by a doctor.

 

The doctor looks at the man with a serious gaze and says 

 

”You need to stop masturbating.”

 

”Omg why?” Says the man a bit worried.

 

”Because I can’t examine you while you’re masturbating” says the doc

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Went to my local furniture showroom,
The sales person said

"This sofa will seat 5 people with no problems"

I am wondering where am I supposed to find
5 people with no problems🤔

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I’m off to the bank today to pay off my mortgage and all my loans and still have enough to buy a sports car afterwards.
I’m so excited I can hardly put my balaclava 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Warning, never mix your metaphors. You could end up staring down the barrel of a double edged sword.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I've just seen a holiday advert on the TV "Book by 31st July and your children go free".
I know the holiday industry's having a tough time, but I hardly think kidnapping kids and making televised demands like that is the way forward.

Edited by Shamal
Spelin
Link to comment
Share on other sites

My sister wasn't too pleased with the locket i bought her for her birthday.
She'll be thankful when her blocked nose clears up though.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I was always very shy as a young man, so my friend advised carrying a pebble in my pocket and squeezing it whenever the shyness took me.  
Did it work you are wondering.
Well I did feel a little boulder. 

🤦

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My family have all gone onto a fruit only diet.

I'm fed up with it. 

The fridge and the cupboards are full of it.

It's enough to make a mango crazy!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
 Share

×
×
  • Create New...