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Tell Us a Gag. Please!


Shamal
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I hear Alec Baldwin is acting in another film.

 

Shooting begins soon.

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What’s Forrest Gump’s password?

1Forrest1

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I made a right dog's dinner of a meal today.

 

Then I remembered that I work in a pet food factory....

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What do you call a bee 🐝 that can't make up it's mind.....

 

......a maybe.

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Cigarettes are like weasels.

 

Both are completely harmless until you put them in your mouth and set fire to them.

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Feeling rather sad today as my clothes horse has finally broken beyond repair after I've had it 25 years....Its the end of an Airer.

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My granddad remembers, 'Fighting them on the beaches.'

 

Lovely man, but a very short fused deckchair attendant.

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I recently bought a new toilet brush.

Long story short; I'm going back to paper.

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The Daleks: horrible beings devoid of all emotions but hate.

 

They're like Piers Morgan on wheels.

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Unfortunately this years charity Pantomime for the local Paranoia Society has been cancelled.

 

During the first performance proceedings descended into chaos when somebody shouted, 'He's behind you.......'

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They’re now employing bouncers at Greg’s, I suppose it’s to keep out the unsavory’s.

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I won a competition for Heston Blumenthal to cook at my house using only ingredients I had at home.

 

It was amazing, we had a fantastic Vietnamese coconut curry with lime and coriander foam, mint and teatree jelly, cocoa shea butter sabayon and finished with a frozen lemon and ginseng tea.

 

In the morning the wife said all her toiletries had gone and one of the cats was missing.

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Solar power is the future...

But, it won't happen overnight.

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What's green and fuzzy, with four legs, and can kill you if it falls from a tree?

 

A pool table.

 

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A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that!!??"

“Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

“Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."

“I can understand that" replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce, it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infinities and Lexuses in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim? " asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

“Ours is prettier," she replies.

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Uncle Bob went on a blind date last night,

 

It didn't start that way...

 

But she had pepper spray

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A skeleton walks into a pub and asks the barman for a pint of lager and a mop.

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Paul Simon has opened a cat sanctuary.

 

Its called 'Feline Groovy.'*

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*I know, I'm really sorry(ish) 🤣

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A pair of Peruvian owls have been introduced at Marwell zoo.  They had to have two of them due to them hunting in pairs, that’s because they’re Inca hoots.

On 19/03/2024 at 23:41, Tactical Pith Helmet said:

Paul Simon has opened a cat sanctuary.

 

Its called 'Feline Groovy.'*

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*I know, I'm really sorry(ish) 🤣

That's wasted on the young 😂

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