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Tell Us a Gag. Please!


Shamal
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Whenever I see a fire exit, I can't help myself, I dash out and then stand by the designated Fire Assembly Point. I suffer from premature evacuation.

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So I said to the vicar: "This is a lovely old church vicar".
He said: "It's Norman". 
I said: "Oh right, this is a lovely old church Norman".

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I don't know.  Donate a kidney and you're a hero.

 

Donate half a dozen and the police kick your door down...

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I'm not saying Stoke on Trent is rough, but the local shops put steal by dates on all the food.

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I’ve started a business recycling chewing gum...

but I’m having trouble getting it off the ground.

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I went to a French restaurant tonight, but the staff gave me the crepes.  

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Chap knocked on the door last night asking for donations for the new local swimming pool.

I was very generous and gave him two pints of water.

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Just discovered that my universal remote control doesn't control the universe at all.

 

Not even remotely!

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young woman enters an overcrowded city bus.

She stands next to a middle-aged man who is sitting and asks him : “Sir, would you mind giving your seat to a pregnant woman?”

The man obliges despite the fact that she shows no obvious sign of pregnancy.

After she is seated the man asks “Pardon me young lady but how far along are you?”

She replies “About 30 minutes and I'm still quite wobbly on my feet".

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Two people were admitted to hospital last night after eating lasagne made with 100% horsemeat.

 

A hospital spokesman said today that they were stable, although they both had the trots....

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I made soup entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere...

It was a broth of fresh air.

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  On 14/02/2024 at 20:37, Shamal said:

I made soup entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere...

It was a broth of fresh air.

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FFFFFFS!!!   🤣

 

The doctor's put me on an all almond diet.

 

I said to him, 'That's just nuts!'  

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I’ve just bought some new state-of-the-art gardening equipment that makes the boundaries of my property look really neat and tidy. It uses cutting hedge technology.

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You know what really floats my boat?

 

Archimedes principle of relative buoyancy...

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My wife asked why I keep drying grapes all over the house. 

 

I told her that I have my raisins.  

 

 

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