Tactical Pith Helmet Posted December 11, 2023 Share Posted December 11, 2023 'We found him sacrificed on an alter made of antlers Sir.' 'Dear God! Sergeant.' 'That's our guess too Sir...' Shamal 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted December 12, 2023 Author Share Posted December 12, 2023 It's been so cold in our house just lately that the toilet duck has flown south for the winter. faunskull and Tactical Pith Helmet 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Skullchewer Posted December 12, 2023 Popular Post Share Posted December 12, 2023 How do you get a country girls attention? A tractor. Shamal, faunskull, Tactical Pith Helmet and 2 others 1 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Shamal Posted December 14, 2023 Author Popular Post Share Posted December 14, 2023 I ended a long term relationship today......I'm not too bothered,it wasn't mine. DanBow, Cannonfodder, faunskull and 3 others 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jellybeans Posted December 15, 2023 Share Posted December 15, 2023 On 12/12/2023 at 20:27, Skullchewer said: How do you get a country girls attention? A tractor. What did the farmer say when he couldn't find his tractor? "Wheres my tractor?!" 🚜 Shamal and Tactical Pith Helmet 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted December 16, 2023 Share Posted December 16, 2023 Named my Christmas tree Amy Winehouse this year. Well, it's going to die and leave needles all over the place... Shamal and Cannonfodder 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cannonfodder Posted December 16, 2023 Share Posted December 16, 2023 8 hours ago, Tactical Pith Helmet said: Named my Christmas tree Amy Winehouse this year. Well, it's going to die and leave needles all over the place... Mine is called Kim Kardashian as it's mostly plastic Tactical Pith Helmet and Shamal 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted December 17, 2023 Author Share Posted December 17, 2023 I’ve not been able to get an appointment at the surgery for six months, but I saw my doctor on Tuesday and showed him my haemorrhoids. However, he just ignored me and continued pushing his shopping trolley.🤪 Cannonfodder, gavinkempsell and Tactical Pith Helmet 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cannonfodder Posted December 18, 2023 Share Posted December 18, 2023 My lesbian neighbours have got me a Rolex for Christmas. All because I said i wanna watch RostokMcSpoons, Tactical Pith Helmet and Shamal 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted December 18, 2023 Author Share Posted December 18, 2023 Just got a new job as a waiter, it’s not great, but it puts food on the table. Tactical Pith Helmet 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted December 18, 2023 Share Posted December 18, 2023 My wife wants a 'spa-day' for Xmas. I'll tell her it's pronounced 'spade' when she unwraps it next week. Shamal and Jedi_Master 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted December 19, 2023 Share Posted December 19, 2023 I just read about a way to make cheese and wine parties much more appealing. Apparently you do away with the cheese, and the guests! Jedi_Master, Shamal and Cannonfodder 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted December 20, 2023 Author Share Posted December 20, 2023 While booing and jeering is encouraged at a pantomime, I discovered it's not encouraged at a nursery school nativity ☹️ Jedi_Master and Tactical Pith Helmet 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted December 21, 2023 Share Posted December 21, 2023 The Proclaimers own two pet dogs; 500 Miles and 500 More. Shamal and Cannonfodder 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted December 23, 2023 Author Share Posted December 23, 2023 Well I thought it was good 🙂 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Shamal Posted December 24, 2023 Author Popular Post Share Posted December 24, 2023 Bit long but persevere lol. Merry Christmas everybody An Aussie named Bazza wanted to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a for sale' sign on it. The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in mint condition. He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. 'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain', and he hands Bazza a jar of Vaseline. That night, his girlfriend, Shazza, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. Just before they enter the house, Shazza stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the FIRST person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes. ' No problem,' he says… And in they go. Bazza is shocked. Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks. Dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Bazza decides to take advantage of the situation. He leans over and kisses Shazza. No one says a word. He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and takes her, right there in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mum horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mum. She's got a great body too. Bazza grabs mum, bends her over the table, pulls down her knickers, and turns her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table. She has a big orgasm, & Bazza sits down. His girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, & mum is beaming from ear to ear. But still....Total silence. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.. Bazza remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.. Suddenly the father shouted. 'I'll do the bloody dishes!!" Madhouse, Tactical Pith Helmet, Jedi_Master and 2 others 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted December 25, 2023 Share Posted December 25, 2023 I hate Christmas. Whoever invented it should be nailed to a bloody cross... DJsnipe, DanBow, RostokMcSpoons and 1 other 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted December 27, 2023 Share Posted December 27, 2023 Got a great book about shipbuilding for Christmas. It's riveting. Shamal and RostokMcSpoons 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Cannonfodder Posted December 27, 2023 Popular Post Share Posted December 27, 2023 I bought some new bed sheets which says on the packaging it helps you sleep like a baby and they weren't wrong. Last night I shit myself and woke up screaming every 3 hours John_W, Shamal, gavinkempsell and 2 others 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted December 29, 2023 Share Posted December 29, 2023 In this season of celebration, Jesus was born weighing exactly 8lbs 6oz. How did they know that? Because they had a weigh in a manger. DanBow and Shamal 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cannonfodder Posted December 30, 2023 Share Posted December 30, 2023 (edited) A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely, Are my test results back?" Edited December 30, 2023 by Cannonfodder Tactical Pith Helmet and Shamal 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted December 31, 2023 Share Posted December 31, 2023 I went to Poland on holiday. Bloody useless. Not a Tellytubby in sight! Cannonfodder 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted January 1 Author Share Posted January 1 When I woke up this morning I burst out laughing. I think I must have slept funny. Tactical Pith Helmet 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted January 1 Share Posted January 1 Went to a New Years party dressed up as a load of breadcrumbs. The birds were all over me! Shamal 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cannonfodder Posted January 2 Share Posted January 2 Ask Google to translate "sharp knife" from English to Latvian Shamal and Tactical Pith Helmet 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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