Tell Us a Gag. Please!

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

My mate quit his job at BMW.

 

Of course he gave no indication he was leaving...

[Shamal]

I paid a carpenter to make me a double bed, but the con man has only gone and done a bunk.  It’s literally one thing on top of another.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

If you get a PM offering you processed pork,  gelatin and salt, don't open it.  

 

It's Spam...

[Skullchewer]

1 hour ago, Tactical Pith Helmet said:

If you get a PM offering you processed pork,  gelatin and salt, don't open it.  

 

It's Spam...

Oh fucking hell, dude.We just hit a new low, and simultaneously a new high.

[Shamal]

1 hour ago, Skullchewer said:

Oh fucking hell, dude.We just hit a new low, and simultaneously a new high.

It's good just so long as he doesn't sing it!?

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

'How's your meal sir?'

 

'This fish is dry.'

 

'That's because we had to take it out of the water...'

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I failed learning to fight with a staff. 

 

I simply couldn't stick with it

[Shamal]

17 hours ago, Tactical Pith Helmet said:

I failed learning to fight with a staff. 

 

I simply couldn't stick with it

Groan lol?

I used an electrician recently who only gave a price for wiring up live and neutral. It was ok though, because he didn’t cost the earth.

 

 

 

 

 

(Yes I know it's dangerous.

Earth should always be connected to the red one...or is it black one?)

[Cannonfodder]

On 05/08/2023 at 02:37, Shamal said:

It's good just so long as he doesn't sing it!?

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Last week I joined a nudist colony.

 

The first few days were the hardest...

[Shamal]

A man ran home from work, pulled his wife into the bedroom, threw her on the bed, and pulled the blankets over them.

She was shocked - he hadn't been like this for 20 years.

Then her husband said:

"Look! My new watch glows in the dark"

[Cannonfodder]

What gets longer when you jerk it, fits between boobs, slides into a hole and loves to be pulled?

 

 

A seatbelt you pervert 

[Shamal]

I've lost my job as a dermatologist.
They just handed me my E45.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I'm terrible at the classics.

 

It's my Hercules heal....

[Shamal]

An elderly couple, Mary and Declan, live in Cork.

Declan always wanted a pair of authentic riding boots. So seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks into the house and says to his wife ‘Notice anything different about me?’

Mary looks him over, ‘Nope.’

Frustrated, Declan storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.

Again, he asks, a little louder this time ‘Notice anything different NOW?’

Mary looks up and says, ‘Declan , what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.’

Furious, Declan yells, AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARY?

‘Nope’ she replies.

‘IT’S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!’ Declan yells.

To which Mary replies…”Shoulda bought a hat, Declan.Shoulda bought a hat".

[Cannonfodder]

My girlfriend said she'd leave me if I didn't stop making bird puns

 

Well toucan play that game 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Not saying that the UK is small, but we have to keep all the lakes in one district.  

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Got stopped by the Belfast police last night. 

 

I gave them their names and addresses and they let me on my way. 

[Shamal]

To the person who stole my glasses:
I will find you. I have contacts.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I identify as This Little Piggy.

 

My pronouns are We/We/We.

[Shamal]

 

An eminent English doctor is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full
of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness

He asks the first patient how he feels. The patient replies:

“Fair fa your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place, Painch, tripe or thairm, As langs my
airm.”

The Englishman is confused, so he just smiles and moves on to the next patient.

The patient responds:

“Some hae meat an canna eat, And some wad eat that want it, But we hae
meat an we can eat, So let the Lord be thankit.”

Even more confused, the eminent doctor moves on to the next patient, who
immediately begins to chant:

“Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty, O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie, Wi bickering brattle.”

Now seriously troubled, the eminent doctor turns to the guide and
asks, “Is this a psychiatric ward?”

“Nay,” replies the doctor, “This is the serious Burns unit"

[gavinkempsell]

As a Jock & approve of this joke.

[Shamal]

When I was younger, I said to my dad: "Can I use the lawnmower to make some extra money?"
He said: “Sure son, you go ahead".
So I sold it.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I entered the "How not to surrender" competition and I won hands down.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I got one of those Humpty Dumpty toys from Aldi for my kids. It's brilliant.

 

It comes with Aldi King's horse's and Aldi King's men.