Popular Post Tactical Pith Helmet Posted August 2, 2023 Popular Post Share Posted August 2, 2023 My mate quit his job at BMW. Of course he gave no indication he was leaving... Cannonfodder, Shamal, Skullchewer and 2 others 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted August 3, 2023 Author Share Posted August 3, 2023 I paid a carpenter to make me a double bed, but the con man has only gone and done a bunk. It’s literally one thing on top of another. Skullchewer, Tactical Pith Helmet and Tackle 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted August 4, 2023 Share Posted August 4, 2023 If you get a PM offering you processed pork, gelatin and salt, don't open it. It's Spam... Skullchewer and Shamal 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skullchewer Posted August 5, 2023 Share Posted August 5, 2023 1 hour ago, Tactical Pith Helmet said: If you get a PM offering you processed pork, gelatin and salt, don't open it. It's Spam... Oh fucking hell, dude.We just hit a new low, and simultaneously a new high. Shamal and Tactical Pith Helmet 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted August 5, 2023 Author Share Posted August 5, 2023 1 hour ago, Skullchewer said: Oh fucking hell, dude.We just hit a new low, and simultaneously a new high. It's good just so long as he doesn't sing it!😉 Tactical Pith Helmet and Skullchewer 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted August 7, 2023 Share Posted August 7, 2023 'How's your meal sir?' 'This fish is dry.' 'That's because we had to take it out of the water...' Shamal 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted August 8, 2023 Share Posted August 8, 2023 I failed learning to fight with a staff. I simply couldn't stick with it Shamal 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted August 9, 2023 Author Share Posted August 9, 2023 17 hours ago, Tactical Pith Helmet said: I failed learning to fight with a staff. I simply couldn't stick with it Groan lol😉 I used an electrician recently who only gave a price for wiring up live and neutral. It was ok though, because he didn’t cost the earth. (Yes I know it's dangerous. Earth should always be connected to the red one...or is it black one🤔) Tactical Pith Helmet 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cannonfodder Posted August 9, 2023 Share Posted August 9, 2023 On 05/08/2023 at 02:37, Shamal said: It's good just so long as he doesn't sing it!😉 Tactical Pith Helmet 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted August 11, 2023 Share Posted August 11, 2023 Last week I joined a nudist colony. The first few days were the hardest... Shamal, concretesnail and Cannonfodder 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted August 11, 2023 Author Share Posted August 11, 2023 A man ran home from work, pulled his wife into the bedroom, threw her on the bed, and pulled the blankets over them. She was shocked - he hadn't been like this for 20 years. Then her husband said: "Look! My new watch glows in the dark" Cannonfodder, Jedi_Master and Tactical Pith Helmet 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cannonfodder Posted August 12, 2023 Share Posted August 12, 2023 What gets longer when you jerk it, fits between boobs, slides into a hole and loves to be pulled? A seatbelt you pervert Shamal and Tactical Pith Helmet 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted August 14, 2023 Author Share Posted August 14, 2023 I've lost my job as a dermatologist. They just handed me my E45. Tackle and Tactical Pith Helmet 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted August 17, 2023 Share Posted August 17, 2023 I'm terrible at the classics. It's my Hercules heal.... Shamal and Cannonfodder 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted August 17, 2023 Author Share Posted August 17, 2023 An elderly couple, Mary and Declan, live in Cork. Declan always wanted a pair of authentic riding boots. So seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife ‘Notice anything different about me?’ Mary looks him over, ‘Nope.’ Frustrated, Declan storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time ‘Notice anything different NOW?’ Mary looks up and says, ‘Declan , what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.’ Furious, Declan yells, AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARY? ‘Nope’ she replies. ‘IT’S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!’ Declan yells. To which Mary replies…”Shoulda bought a hat, Declan.Shoulda bought a hat". Cannonfodder, RostokMcSpoons, Tactical Pith Helmet and 1 other 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cannonfodder Posted August 17, 2023 Share Posted August 17, 2023 My girlfriend said she'd leave me if I didn't stop making bird puns Well toucan play that game Shamal and Tactical Pith Helmet 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted August 18, 2023 Share Posted August 18, 2023 Not saying that the UK is small, but we have to keep all the lakes in one district. Shamal 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted August 19, 2023 Share Posted August 19, 2023 Got stopped by the Belfast police last night. I gave them their names and addresses and they let me on my way. Adolf Hamster and Shamal 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted August 19, 2023 Author Share Posted August 19, 2023 To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts. Tactical Pith Helmet 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted August 20, 2023 Share Posted August 20, 2023 I identify as This Little Piggy. My pronouns are We/We/We. Jedi_Master, Shamal and Tackle 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted August 21, 2023 Author Share Posted August 21, 2023 An eminent English doctor is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness He asks the first patient how he feels. The patient replies: “Fair fa your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain o the puddin race, Aboon them a ye take yer place, Painch, tripe or thairm, As langs my airm.” The Englishman is confused, so he just smiles and moves on to the next patient. The patient responds: “Some hae meat an canna eat, And some wad eat that want it, But we hae meat an we can eat, So let the Lord be thankit.” Even more confused, the eminent doctor moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant: “Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty, O the panic in thy breasty, Thou needna start awa sae hastie, Wi bickering brattle.” Now seriously troubled, the eminent doctor turns to the guide and asks, “Is this a psychiatric ward?” “Nay,” replies the doctor, “This is the serious Burns unit" gavinkempsell, Tackle and Tactical Pith Helmet 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gavinkempsell Posted August 21, 2023 Share Posted August 21, 2023 As a Jock & approve of this joke. Tactical Pith Helmet and Shamal 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted August 23, 2023 Author Share Posted August 23, 2023 When I was younger, I said to my dad: "Can I use the lawnmower to make some extra money?" He said: “Sure son, you go ahead". So I sold it. Tactical Pith Helmet 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted August 25, 2023 Share Posted August 25, 2023 I entered the "How not to surrender" competition and I won hands down. Shamal 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted August 26, 2023 Share Posted August 26, 2023 I got one of those Humpty Dumpty toys from Aldi for my kids. It's brilliant. It comes with Aldi King's horse's and Aldi King's men. Shamal and Blackshadow5354 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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