Tell Us a Gag. Please!

[Cannonfodder]

I think my ex is missing me. While on a walk in the local cemetery she texted me and told me she wished I was there too

[Shamal]

A man received the following text from his neighbor:

"I am so sorry Bob. I'm riddled with guilt and I have to confess.”

I have been tapping your wife for many weeks now.

I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse.

I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again"

The heartbroken man, enraged, went into his bedroom, grabbed his wife, and threw her out the back door. Then he locked the door.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

– Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

To err is human. 

 

To blame others shows management potential. 

[Shamal]

My weight loss goal is simple.  I just want to lie on the beach without marine biologists pouring buckets of water over me.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

My friends and I are having a competition between us, to see who can steal the most from our local pet shop.

 

This week I managed to take the lead.

[Shamal]

I dig

You dig

We dig

He dig

She dig

They dig

 

It's not a beautiful poem but it's very deep

[Cannonfodder]

My girlfriend is always finding things to complain about. Yesterday she said when peeing at night I should aim for the side of the bowl to keep the noise down

 

Today she's saying her cornflakes taste funny

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Bought one of those Welsh motorbikes today. 

 

It's a Rhondda 500. 

[Shamal]

Went to a building supplies store to buy some new roofing materials.  On arrival I discovered their stock was low.  All-in-all a rather few tile journey

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Got a new job at the wheel factory.  Got elected as the shop steward too.

 

I'm now the official spokesperson.  

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I heard a rumour that Cadbury's is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. 

 

Could be a Chinese Wispa.

[Shamal]

An elderly couple was just settled down for bed when the old man realized he left the lights on in the garage in the backyard.

Then they heard voices.

Three men had broken into the garage

Scared, they called the police.

The dispatcher replied he would send an officer as soon as one became available as they were all out on calls.

The old man waited for a few minutes and called Dispatch again.

He told Dispatch, "Don't worry about sending an officer, I shot the robbers and now the dogs are eating their bodies!"

In no time at all, police were all over the place and captured the robbers red-handed!

One of the cops asked the old man, "I thought you said you shot the robbers and your dogs were eating them.

"The old man replied, "I thought you said, there weren't any officers available."

[Shamal]

I went for a walk in the woods, late evening and saw this wise looking bird.  But as I got nearer, it told me to clear off.  I think it must have had irritable owl syndrome

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I spent the whole morning building a time machine – that’s four hours of my life I’m definitely getting back.

[Shamal]

Boy: "I got an F in arithmetic."

Father: "Why?"

Boy: "The teacher asked 'How much is 2×3?' and I said '6'"

Father: "But that's right!"

Boy: "Then she asked me 'How much is 3×2?'"

Father: "What's the fucking difference?"

Boy: "That's exactly what I said

[TacticalWaifu]

Octopus 🐙: [holding a gun in each arm]

 

Cat 🐈‍⬛: You're one short, buddy 😼

[Shamal]

I've just bought a book on how to overcome kleptomania. Well, I say bought....

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.

 

Give a man a poisonous fish, and he eats for a lifetime!

[Shamal]

I read that taking your bike to work is good for the environment.
So I thought, why not?
I'm not using that roof rack for anything else....

[Shamal]

Since my friend started working at the grease factory, it's been really difficult trying to get hold of her.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Male bees die after mating.

 

That's it.  Their whole life. 

 

Honey

 

Nut

 

Cheerio...

[Shamal]

An old woman is riding in a lift in a very lavish London building when a young and beautiful woman gets into the lift, smelling of an expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and say arrogantly, "Romance, by Ralph Lauren, £150 an ounce!" Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the lift, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No 5, £200 an ounce!" About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get out of the lift. Before she exits, she looks at both beautiful women, bends over slightly, passes wind and says, "Broccoli, 49 pence a pound.

[Cannonfodder]

Often people are shocked when they find out I'm not a qualified electrician 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I've just bought a young Eastern European frog.

 

He's a bit Bulgarian, a bit Russian and a tad Pole.  

[Shamal]

 

1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.

4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"

11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

13. I run like the winded.

14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.

15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"

16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."

19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.

20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb."